“You know I can’t.”Lucas waited, and finallyMark’s fingers unclasped.
“I know,” Mark said softly.
“I wish I could.”
“Yeah.I know that too.”Finally, Marksmiled.“But I’ll see you tomorrow, right?I want to go to churchin the morning, but in the afternoon?At the farm?”
“No,” Lucas said slowly.“We need to talkabout that at some point.But short version: we need to cool itaround Alex.”He ran his fingers across Mark’s kiss-plumped lips.“And I don’t think I can manage to be cool around you.”
“Alex,” Mark said slowly.“You told him?”
“He knew.Elise too.I guess we’re not assubtle as we thought.”
“Might be because I couldn’t stop staring atyour ass.”
“Yeah, that might be part of it.”Lucasheaved himself off the bed.“Okay, last chance to stare at it forthe night as I’m walking out the door.You shouldn’t come to thefarm tomorrow.Not on weekends, and not on weekdays when Alex isaround.He’s got two more weeks of school, so you can come outduring school hours on weekdays.Does that work?”
“I guess it has to.Can you come over afterwork tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”Lucas smiled.“I’d like that.”Hestepped toward the door.“And it might be nice if you cooked medinner.Not burned it, not forgot it.Cookedit.”
“I’ll consider the possibility.Here, wait,I’ll walk you out.”
“No,” Lucas said quickly.“Stay there.”Hesmiled.“I like thinking of you there, all warm and peaceful.”Allfucked out, he thought, but he didn’t want to use the words outloud.They seemed like maybe they’d be a jinx of some sort.He wasalready pushing his luck making plans for the next evening.Who thehell knew what could go wrong between now and then?But somethingabout Mark seemed to make him willing to take a chance on a littleoptimism.“About five thirty?Tomorrow?That’ll give me time to gohome and shower before I come over.”
“You could shower here,” Mark said with alittle waggle of his eyebrows.
“Yeah, I guess I could.I’ll see you then.”Lucas let himself out of the apartment and made his way down to thestreet.By the time he hit the sidewalk he was whistling, and hedidn’t stop for the whole drive home.
PartThree
ChapterForty-Two
Lucas did come over the next night, and theone after that, and after that.Mark went to the farm when hecould, visited his father, and found that as the rest of his lifeshaped up he had more time to worry about the church and his placein it.More time to worry, but still no conclusions to reach.Terrycounseled patience and was always ready to pray with Mark, but itreally wasn’t enough.
“I’m not worried about myself anymore,” Markconfessed at one of their meetings.“Does that make sense?I usedto be.But not anymore.I’ll be fine.I know that.I’m stillworried that whoever is deciding all this will get it wrong, butthat would be bad because it would hurt the church, not because itwould hurtme.”
Terry looked at him questioningly.
Mark nodded at the other man’s uncertainty.“I know, it’s not how I usually talk.I’ve spent my whole life as abeliever.In God, of course, but also in the Anglican church.Ibelieved that we’d found the right answers to so many of thequestions.I liked the balance between innovation and tradition.Weweren’t hiding away behind centuries-old rules, but we kept aspectsof our history that had value.”He leaned forward in his chair,eager to find an audience for his ideas, someone who could help himmold them into something that would actually give him guidance inhis life.“I love the rituals, the ceremonies—they’re familiar andmagical, and they comfort me.But what I’m asking myself lately is,shouldI be comforted?Should I becomfortable?Ithink that my comfort should come from knowing that I have servedGod to the best of my ability, not from the words or songs orfabrics that I’ve known all my life.”
Terry smiled.“So if the church decideswrong?”
“I’ll still serve God.Maybe I’ll serve Himbetter somewhere else.But the church will have lost…” He shrugged.“One person.One loyal servant.That’s not a big deal.But they’llhave lost a chance, as well.An opportunity to be an earthlyexample of God’s love and acceptance.To courageously lead the wayand right past wrongs.”
Terry nodded slowly and thought for quite awhile before he said, “It’s good to see you passionate again.Youseem happy, Mark.”
Mark tried not to blush as he thought aboutone of the main reasons for his happiness, but there was somethingin Terry’s gaze that suggested the older man might know a littlemore about that than he was acknowledging.“I think I am,” Markadmitted.“It’s been a hard fight, but…yeah.I am.”
“Sometimes when things seem to be fallingapart, they’re actually falling together.”The older priest kepthis face serious for a moment before it cracked into a grin.“Iread that on Facebook.”
Mark smiled back at him and it seemed like agood note to end the meeting on.“Thank you,” he said as he stoodand reached for the other man’s hand.“And please understand…Istill want to fight.I still love the church and I want a place init.I’ve just come to realize that either way, however this turnsout, I’ll be fine.”
“I was going to ask if you’d like to praywith me, but I don’t think you need to.You seem to have foundserenity somewhere else today.”Another twinkle in Terry’s eye madeMark want to sit back down.He hadn’t been able to talk to anyoneabout Lucas, hadn’t been able to share the excitement and joy of itall with anyone who could possibly understand, but Terry… Terry wasa good friend and a good listener.
But he was also Mark’s boss.He was a servantof the church and expected to make decisions that were in thechurch’s best interests.And Mark couldn’t deny that from theoutside, his relationship with Lucas would probably look like onemore example of Mark’s impulsiveness and poor judgment.It wassomething the church’s lawyers and bean counters could probably useto make Mark look unsuitable for the priesthood.Which meant itwould put Terry in an awkward spot if he had confirmed knowledge ofthe relationship.He’d have to choose between his loyalty to Markand his loyalty to the church.It wouldn’t be fair to put him inthat position.
Besides, Mark thought as he left the church,it was almost five o’clock.Lucas would be at the apartment soon,and as exciting as it would have been to spend time talking aboutLucas, it would be much, much more satisfying to spend timeactually with Lucas.
