Well, that was a terrible idea.And the kidwas smart enough to have already figured that out for himself.Still, Lucas probably should have found a better response than, “Ijust planted the garden here.The carrots are coming up.”
Alex didn’t look impressed.“You can gardenanywhere, Luke.”
Not wanting to leave the squirrel behind wasLucas’s next-best argument, so it was just as well that Alex didn’tleave him time to say anything.
“But it’s not the garden, is it?It’s me.Youdon’t want to live with me.”
Lucas wished he was better with words.“Ican’tlive with you, Alex.I’m on parole, and it’s harder toget busted than I thought, but moving in with a runaway minor withan angry dad?That would do it, for sure.”And he probably shouldhave left it there, but there was something about this kid thatinspired Lucas to try for his own feats of honesty.“And I need tostay here.For me.”I need somewhere I feel safe, somewhere Iknow the routines and the people and the rules.It doesn’t matterif I like them, I just need to know them.“I’m not as brave asyou are.”
Alex frowned at him.“So you just…you justkeep your head down and put up with it, day after day?You neversay anything?”
The kid seemed to have gone off on a bit of atangent.“I’m not putting up with much, not here.It’s a prettygood place.”
“But before.Before…you know.Jail, andeverything.You never asked for what you wanted?Never demandedthat people treat you right?”He squinted thoughtfully.“You nevertold anybody about being gay, did you?You still don’t, really.Imean, the only reason I think you are is because you’ve never saidyou aren’t!”
Lucas had no idea how the conversation hadmoved in this direction, but he was pretty sure he wanted to moveit back where it belonged.“Okay, but the point is, you need tofind another roommate, or some other option.We need to figure thisout.”
“I’m not going home, so if that’s what youmean by the ‘other option,’ you can forget it.”
“So, what then?You’re going to live on thestreets?Or in a shelter, taking a place from a kid who really didget kicked out of his house, or who had to leave to keep them frombeating the shit out of him?”This was turning into a fight,somehow, and that wasn’t going to do any good.Lucas tried to pullhimself back.“Do you have any friends you could stay with?”Thathad worked for him, after all.
But Alex gave him an incredulous look.“Whothe hell is going to take me in?I don’t have any guy friends—theymade tracks even before I officially came out.And the girls?Theirparents aren’t going to let a boy move in with their princesses,even if he does say he’s not interested.”
“Well, I veto the streets.No way, not evenin a small town in the summer time.It’s not safe.Not anoption.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.You think you have aveto.”
“You’re damn right I have one.You justpretty much admitted that I’m your only friend, buddy.That givesme at least one veto.I think maybe I get two.”
“If you were my boyfriend, you’d getthree.”
“But I’d use one of them to veto me beingyour boyfriend, so we’d be right back where we started.”On thesurface, it felt like any other joking conversation between the twoof them, but there was something different this time.Somethingdisturbing.Lucas’s past had made him familiar with masks ofbravado or aggression, not cheerfulness, but he could stillrecognize the desperation pulsing beneath the surface.Alex was onthe edge of something serious, something bad, and he’d been stupidenough to come to Lucas for help.Just another sign of howdesperate the kid was, obviously.Lucas sank down onto the top ofthe battered picnic table at the edge of the garden.He had to atleast try.“Okay, let’s think it through.Relatives?Your mom?”
“She travels a lot for work.That’s why Ilive with Dad.Besides, she does whatever he says.The only timeshe ever stood up to him was the day she left him.Us.”
That was a trauma for another day.Theyneeded to focus on the current issue right then.So Lucas asked,“Grandparents?Aunts or uncles?”
“None in town.”
“Out of town, then.Alex, come on.You aren’tgoing to get everything you want.If you don’t want to live at homeand youdowant to live somewhere safe, you might have toleave town.”
“I couldn’t move in with you here?There’s nospace?”
“Wow, that’s a great idea.A few extra steps,though.First, you’ve got to go commit a crime.A felony, I think.Then you’ve got to serve your time.Then, yeah, come on out andlive here.Perfect.”
“I’m brainstorming!You’re not supposed to bemean about someone’s ideas when they’re brainstorming.”Again, thejoking tone was almost normal, but not quite.There was a tremor inAlex’s voice and his eyes were wild.Still, Lucas didn’t know whatto do other than go along with the charade and hope that eventuallyillusion would become reality.
So he swatted Alex’s shoulder and said, “Yourbrain should storm some better ideas, and then I wouldn’t have tobe mean.”
Neither of them spoke for a while.Alexsounded much calmer when he finally said, “I’m not being a spoiledlittle kid.I know that’s what you think, and I guess compared tostuff you might have gone through, maybe I am spoiled.But thisisn’t…he’s asking me to pretend to be someone I’m not.Because he’sashamed of who I really am.I’m not angry because he’s telling meto quit volunteering—it’s the reasons why he’s doing it.That’swhat I can’t live with.I feel like if I let him tell me that who Ireally am isn’t good enough, then the next time it comes up, I’lllet someone else tell me the same thing.I feel like it’s a bigstep down a bad path.”
Lucas let the words sink in, then slid downoff the table until he was resting on the bench with Alex.“Yeah,”he said softly.“Okay.”
“Okay…okaywhat, though?”The calm,reflective tone was gone, and all it left behind was a scaredkid.
“I have no idea.But there must be someonewho does.Someone who could help.What about Father Groban?Thepriest who runs this place.He’s a good guy.”
“He’s the one my dad was yelling at, and allhe wanted to do was calm my dad down.He practically agreed that Ishouldn’t go to youth group anymore.He’d just tell me to go homeand be an obedient son.”
