“What?I’m…that doesn’t matter, Alex!It’snot about being gay, it’s…I’m way too old!I’m nothing, nobody!Imean…” Okay, Lucas needed to settle down.It had been a kiss, not aproposal.Alex was just generous with his affections, that was all.Or looking for a little action, maybe, and Lucas was just handy.This didn’t have to be a big thing.This didn’t have to wreckanything.Lucas forced a laugh out of his tight throat.“Yeah, yousurprised me!”
“But it was okay?”Alex edged forward alittle, scooting on his butt through the mud until his thigh waspressed against Lucas’s knee.And then he put his hand on Lucas’sleg.“Now that the surprise is over?”
Lucas was in no way prepared for this.Everything was happening way too fast, and he struggled to findwords that would slow it all down.“It’s okay, like, it’s okay thatit happened that one time.But I don’t think it should happenagain.”Yeah, that was good.This wasn’t a big thing, but it had tobe dealt with.He was on the right track.“I mean, if somebody sawthat, they’d get a totally wrong idea, you know?”
“Wrong idea?”It was as if the confusion wasdraining out of Lucas and climbing right into Alex.“What do youmean?What idea would they get?”
Okay, apparently there was enough confusionfor them both to have a full serving.“Well, you know.They mightthink we were…”
“In love?”
Lucas almost choked.“I was going to say…Idon’t know.‘Involved.’‘Going out’, even.But, no, I don’t thinkanyone would assume we were—”
“I love you,” Alex said, his eyes blazinginto Lucas’s.“I do.And I know about what happened.When I saidI’d been doing some reading this weekend?I was reading on theinternet, old news stories.I saw Father Mark last week and he toldme your last name, and I looked you up.I know what happened.Iknow where you’ve been.And I still love you.”
Jesus Christ.Lucas thought back longingly tothat time only moments before when he’d thought he was so confused.That time had been nothing, not compared to this.“Father MarkWebber?He knows I’m working with you?And you know…you know what Idid.You’re okay with it?”Everything was too much.Lucas tried tofind the one stable thought in his mind, the one thing that hewould never, ever let himself forget or manipulate into somethingother than what it was.“I did it, Alex.”That was the simpletruth, and saying it made everything more clear.Terrible, butclear.Lucas tilted his face into the falling rain so he wouldn’thave to make eye contact as he said, “I killed a man.FatherWebber’s brother.There’s no misunderstanding, no loophole oramnesia or whatever else you might want to try.I did it.I killedhim.A man was alive, and then I hit him, and he wasn’t.I’m akiller.”
But Alex wasn’t running away like he should.Instead, he took his hand from Lucas’s leg and found his handinstead.Their fingers were cold, but there was warmth in thecontact.“I read about it,” Alex said slowly.“And it freaked meout, I admit it.But you were drunk.And you don’t drink now, youtold me that.It was a mistake.I understand.”
“Do you?”The words came out more like a sob.How could this innocent kid understand something that Lucas hadbeen completely unable to puzzle out himself?“No.It wasn’t amistake.I did it on purpose.I didn’t mean to kill him, I guess,but I was mad, and I wanted to hurt him.I did it.”
“And now you’re sorry.You did your time,and…and Father Mark seemed to forgive you.I mean, he was weirdabout it, and I was kind of…I was a bit of an asshole to him,maybe.But he didn’t freak out.He didn’t seem mad at you.”
“He’s a priest.He’s like Jesus or something,all gentle and forgiving.He’s not a normal person.A normal personwould still be mad.”Maybe it was time for Alex to get a littlemore reality, here.“Normal peoplearestill mad.This isthe only job I could get, and I only got it because Father Grobanhelped me out.After months of looking, nobody would hire mebecause they knew what I did.And they were right not to.Ishouldn’t be able to just walk away from all that like it neverhappened.You shouldn’t look to Father Webber to understand howpeople react.You need to look at everyone else.”
“I’m too busy looking at you.”And the kidleaned in again, slower this time, thankfully, but his intentionscrystal clear.
Lucas was tempted to stay still.He wasn’tattracted to Alex, but that didn’t really matter.It would be niceto have some comfort, some physical contact.More than nice.Itwould be like a warm blanket after a night alone in the arctic.Andgoing along, doing what Alex wanted, whatever he wanted…that wouldmaybe let them stay friends.Maybe Lucas could keep his whisper ofhappiness for just a little bit longer.
But of course he couldn’t.Alex was young andpure and Lucas would lose what little self-respect he’d managed tosalvage if he dragged the kid down just to give himself somecompany.So he forced himself to scramble away from Alex, slippingand sliding through the wet clay until he reached the grass andmanaged to stand.“This isn’t a good idea.”His voice was steadierthan his shaking hands.“It’s not a good idea at all.You need tofind someone—”
“I’ve found someone.”It was amazing howmature and dignified the kid could sound while sprawled out in themud.“I’ve found you.I want you.If you don’t want me back, Iguess I have to accept that.But you have to say it.And you haveto mean it.For you, not for what you think I want, or what youthink is best for me, or any of that.For you.What doyouwant?”
“A time machine.”It was stupid, but it wastrue.If he was playing make believe, if he could have anything inthe world, that’s what he’d want.“So I could go back to that nightin the bar and do things differently.Or I could have stayed home,and quit drinking then, before it happened.Or maybe before that,even.Maybe I’d go back to high school, so I could…so I could bemore like you.Honest, and not…not confused and angry all the time.And then maybe now I’d be someone who could take a chance with ayounger guy, because the age difference would be the only realproblem.But I don’t have a time machine.I never will.This is mylife, and there’s no way I’m dragging you into it.No way.”Lucasshook his head in frustration.“Fuck, if I could just go back fiveminutes and make all this not have happened…”
“Zaa-aap,” Alex said.The sound wasincongruous, but he didn’t seem to be worried about that.Instead,he did his own crab-walk out of the mud and then stood.“That lastone.I can give you that.Not a real time machine, but good enough,right?This never happened.If that’s what you want, then I canmake it true.”His smile was sad and made him look much older thanhe was.But the familiar twinkle was back in his eye as he edged alittle closer, treading carefully because of the slippery groundand maybe because he thought Lucas needed to be handled gently.“But I can’t guarantee that I won’t try again.’Cause I don’t careabout any of that other stuff, your history or your age or any ofit.I can’t stop…I’m sorry if you don’t like the word, but I can’tstop loving you.I don’t want to make you unhappy, but I don’t wantyou to give up on the chance that we could make each other reallyhappy.You know?”He paused for a moment, and then he waggled hiseyebrows.“You know what I’m talking about, there, Lukey?When Isayreally happy?You getting that?Catching my subtleinnuendo?”
Lucas snorted in surprise.Was it reallygoing to be this easy?They could just go back to joking around?“Yeah, it was pretty subtle, but I think maybe I caught it.”
“That’s the kind of connection we have, man!Our brains are running on the same wavelength.”Alex grinned, thesame smile Lucas had seen so many times before, and for the firsttime he realized that Alex’s cheerfulness wasn’t an easy, naturalthing.It was something the boy had to work at, and maybe even fakesometimes, but he did it because it was how he wanted to be.He wasbeing strong and determined, but sometimes he probably needed alittle help.Or maybe he didn’t need it, but that didn’t mean hedidn’t deserve it.So Lucas should try to give it to him.“I’m notsure I want to be on the same wavelength as you.Is there a dialsomewhere I could use, maybe find a clearer signal?”
“Oh, I could show you how to use your dial,Lukey.”Another brow waggle, then Alex slapped himself in theforehead.“No!Bad!That’s not respecting the time machine,right?”
“I don’t think the ‘make each other reallyhappy’ was respecting the time machine either, to be honest.”
“How about no time machine, then?”Alexlooked at Lucas earnestly.“’Cause honestly, I don’t want to forgetgetting to kiss you, even if it didn’t last all that long.”He bentover to pick up the non-muddy end of the board as if this was alljust another easy conversation, but when he glanced up at Lucasthere was an unfamiliar tentativeness in his expression.“How aboutI back off, but you think about it.Just…just think it over.Okay?I’ll shut up and stop pushing, and I’ll stop spraying you with thehose all the time so you take your shirt off.I’ll back off as faras I can make myself.But you’ll think about it.Okay?”
As if Lucas was going to be able to thinkabout anything else.So he said, “Okay,” and he grabbed the plankabout half-way down its length.“Let’s see if we can get it set upfrom here.We obviously need to have a gangway over that mud.”Hewas proud that his voice was level.Then he turned and squintedback at Alex.“And you were spraying me on purpose?I just thoughtyou had the world’s worst aim with a hose.”
“Ah, Luke,” Alex said loftily.“You are soinnocent.”
Lucas just shook his head and turned back tohis work.The familiar churning of anxiety in his gut had shiftedand tightened, but nothing had exploded.It didn’t seem like hisworld was going to collapse around him just yet.
ChapterTwenty-Two
Mark had only been back at work full time fora few days and he was having trouble getting back in the swing ofthings.Nothing serious, but he was certainly needing more breaksthan usual, slipping away to the empty pews for a few moments ofpeace and prayer before returning to the pile of paperwork that hadbuilt up in his absence.He was on one of these breaks when heheard an angry voice from the vestibule and turned to see two men,one gripping the other by the arm…
Not two men.A man and a boy.A man and Alex.The man wasn’t quite dragging Alex but his grip was firm andcommanding.He spotted Mark and growled something at the teen, whonodded reluctantly, then started to speak.But the man just jerkedthem both forward.
