“You’re not that old.”Alex squinted at him.“Not old at all, really.When I first met you, I thought you werecute.You just act old.Cool old, not like I thought a priest wouldbe.But older than you really are.”
“Okay, thanks for the analysis.”It was timefor this conversation to be over, and Mark stepped toward the door.“I’m glad you’re happy, Alex, and…” And what?It wasn’t a big dealif the man of Alex’s dreams was a convicted killer?“I’d like it ifyou’d keep talking to me about this.You know, the old ‘keep me inthe loop’ game.”Because if everything went badly, the kid wouldneed someone to help him pick up the pieces.If everything wentwell…Mark would just have to deal with that if it happened.
“You want all the details, huh?”Alex waggledhis eyebrows.“That’s called living vicariously, right?”
“Not details, no.But I care about you, Alex,and I want to be sure you’re doing okay.That’s all.”
“I’m going to be way better than okay,” Alexpromised.“I’m going to be great.”And now he was the one ready forthe conversation to end, covering the distance to the exit in onejoyful bounce.He waved merrily, yelled, “Thanks,” as he washalfway out the door, and then he was gone.
Mark was left staring after him.Was itself-centered to imagine that there was some peculiar pattern atwork, drawing Lucas Cain back into Mark’s life over and over again?It was a small town, after all.There weren’t that many people init, and certainly not that many attractive gay men for Alex to havecrushes on.Cain being sent to the halfway house Mark ran?Again,there weren’t many facilities of the sort in town, so it was hardlyagainst the odds for Cain to end up where he did.Mark making oneof his rare trips to a bar on the same night that Cain was releasedfrom prison?Considering that Cain’s release was the reason Markhadwanteda drink, it didn’t seem too improbable.So yes,Mark was being self-centered.This wasn’t all about him.
But of course there was a plan.God alwayshad a plan.Mark might not understand it.He might find the currentpattern disturbing.But there should be a level of comfort inknowing that God was in charge, and things were happening as Hewilled.“I just wish I could figure out what You’re looking for,”Mark muttered into the air.He waited a moment for a response, thenshook his head at his foolishness.“But it’s never that easy, isit?”
He straightened his shoulders and made hisway out the door to the parking lot.He was supposed to beshowering and resting, saving his energy for the needs of hisfamily.Alex had made it very clear that he didn’t want Mark’sadvice, and that had to be respected.So Mark should just stay outof it.He should stop wondering if he truly was old before histime, and stop trying to remember the last time he felt anythingeven approaching the excitement Alex felt.
I want to get carried away.The wordsechoed in Mark’s mind.Alex was living.He was the star of his ownlife, and he was shining brightly.What was Mark doing, exactly?Itwasn’t a question he could think about, not right then.But maybehe needed to find some time for it.Maybe he needed to find sometime for it soon.
ChapterTwenty-One
Things at the farm were going well, and itmade Lucas nervous.He liked the animals, the chores, thepeople—the whole job.He spent most of his time with Elise, nottalking much, just slogging through the hard work of looking afterall the different animals.She wasn’t exactly bubbling over withfeedback but he was pretty sure he was doing an okay job.She’dstarted trusting him with some of the more delicate procedures,which seemed to be a good sign.And she’d let him start tinkeringwith an old truck she’d stashed away in the drive-shed.She’d saidhe could have it for a couple hundred dollars and he was prettysure that by the time he had the truck running he’d have that muchmoney saved up.It would sure beat riding one of the halfwayhouse’s bikes way out to the farm and back each day.
And Alex was a regular feature of the place.Lucas was supposed to work an eight hour day starting at fivethirty in the morning, so technically he should have been long goneby the time the kid got there, but he usually stayed late.Itwasn’t like he had anywhere better to go.But that wasn’t the onlyreason, if he was being honest with himself.He stayed because heliked spending time with Alex.The kid was…it seemed wrong,somehow, but the kid was a friend, and Lucas hadn’t realized howmuch he’d needed one of those.Even on a rainy day like this one,Lucas was happy to be outside, happy to be working, and happy to bewith Alex.
“Did you do anything fun this weekend?”thekid asked as he struggled at the other end of the plank the twowere carrying, the wet wood slippery beneath their cold fingers.“Go out or anything?See anybody?”
“Not really.”Lucas had worked on Saturday.On Sunday he’d fed the squirrel, read a book, watched some TV, andwaited impatiently for Monday—that had been Lucas’s weekend, but heknew Alex was hoping for something more exciting.“How aboutyou?”
“I did some reading, actually.”And there itwas, the strange undertone that had been slipping out ever sinceAlex had arrived that day.Nothing too obvious, but enough to makeLucas apprehensive.Was this finally going to be the thing thatruined his new life?But reading?What could Alex have read thatwould cause trouble?
“Put it over there, on the ledge,” Lucasdirected, and Alex obediently dragged his end of the plank in thatdirection.“Watch the mud.”
“I’m not afraid of a little—” Alex started,but that was as far as he got before his rubber boots skiddedacross the sodden clay.There was a moment when it looked like hewas going to catch himself, using the plank for balance, and Lucasgripped his end more tightly, hoping to provide support.
But it wasn’t enough.Alex’s feet abandonedhim entirely, slipping out in two different directions, and he fellheavily to the mucky ground, his end of the board following himdown and landing somewhere near his face.
Alex yelled, in surprise or pain or somethingelse, and Lucas dropped his own end of the plank and scrambled overto his fallen friend.“Alex?Shit, Alex, are you okay?”
There was a moment when Lucas wasn’t sure.The boy’s face was twisted, but was it pain, or…
“Oh, my God!”Alex laughed.“You looked sofunny!Like a…a mud crab, or something, skittling over here!”Hepropped himself up on his elbows.“You’ve got more dirt on you thanI do!”
Lucas looked down at himself and tried toremember his movements.He hadn’t wanted to fall, but it had beenimportant to move fast, so he’d lowered himself to the ground, and…“A mud crab, huh?”He tried to take a deep breath but his chest wasstill tight with fear.“You’re okay?The board didn’t hit you?Youdidn’t pull anything when you fell?”
“You’re not going to get in trouble if I gethurt, Luke.I signed a bunch of waivers, and my dad did too.Besides, it was totally my fault.”Alex was more serious now.
“I wasn’t…well, okay, yeah, it would havesucked if you’d been hurt.I mean, I was the one who told you toput the board there.It was kind of my fault.But I wasn’t worriedthat I’d get in trouble.”
“No?”Alex sat up, bringing his face levelwith Lucas’s.Level, and close.“So whywereyou worried?”His voice was soft.“Because you care about me?”
“Of course I care—” Lucas started, but hedidn’t get any further.Alex was quick, his hand darting behindLucas’s head and tangling in his hair, pulling himself forward,into Lucas.Into a kiss.
A kiss.Alex was kissing Lucas.He was…hewas…kissing?They were kissing!Lucas’s brain finally kickedinto gear and he scrambled backward.Alex gripped a little tighterfor a quick moment, then jerked his hand away and leaned back, hiseyes as big and round as Lucas was sure his own were.
Alex was the first to speak.“I’m sorry!Icaught you by surprise!”
“By surprise?”Maybe that was the right word,but it didn’t seem nearly strong enough.“Jesus, Alex!You kissedme!”
“Yeah.I…I…” Alex’s eyes grew even moreimpossibly wide.“Oh my God, you’re not gay!I thought…”
