Mark wasn’t sure just what to say, andapparently he thought for too long, because Cain stepped backward,obviously believing his presence was unwelcome.“I moved out.Youshouldn’t have to change jobs just to stay away from me.That’s notright.”
“But where will you go?”
“I’ll figure something out.”Cain’s smile wasforced, an easily seen-through illusion of confidence, and therewas something about it that make Mark want to cry.
“It was my fault.”Mark had talked to Terryabout this, and they’d decided that Mark shouldn’t confess to Cain,not yet.It was an unneeded burden on the younger man, an actiondesigned to make Mark, not Cain, feel better.But Mark couldn’tstand there in front of the bruised and battered man and not tellhim the truth.“The assault.Your friends came by the house, and Itold them…I don’t know why…” But that wasn’t true.If Mark wasgoing to do this, he should do it all the way.“Because I wanted tohurt you.I made them think you were gay, because I wanted to hurtyou.I never thought it would go so far, but I shouldn’t have letit happen at all.I’m sorry.”
“No.”Cain sounded confused.“No, youshouldn’t be sorry.Not after what I did.And it doesn’t matterwhat you said to them.I could have told them differently.Theywanted to believe me.At least, Sean did.He would have forgottenthe whole thing, if I’d let him.”
“If you’d let him?What do you mean?”
“He asked me if it was true.I could havesaid no.”
Mark’s head was spinning.“And he would havebelieved you?”Cain nodded, and Mark said, “So why didn’t you?Whydidn’t you deny it?”
Cain had been looking at the floor, but aftera moment he brought his gaze up to meet Mark’s and for the firsttime his green eyes didn’t seem cold or impersonal—they seemedhonest.“Because it’s true.Because I’m tired of hiding it, andbecause I knew what they would do.I deserved what they woulddo.”
Mark sank into the pew, his hand gripping itsstrong wooden back.“You what?It’s…it’s true?You’re gay?”
For the first time there was a trace ofdefiance in Cain’s bruised face.“It’s a big sin, right?One moreblack mark on my record with God.”
“What?”Mark wished he’d gotten more sleepthe night before.This was all far too much for him.“No.It’snot…I don’t think it’s a sin.The church—thischurch—wedon’t think it’s a sin.But what did you mean, when you said youdeserved the beating?”
It might have been better if Mark hadn’tlooked at Cain just then.Better for his peace of mind, and for hisability to continue thinking of Cain as an unfeeling brute.ButMark looked, and he saw the guilt, the pain, and underneath it all,the confusion of a little boy who knew he’d done wrong and couldn’tfigure out how to make it better.“That guy…your brother…Jimmy.Jimmy Webber.He died.And I spent a few years in jail?That’s all?I can’t…” And the confusion was on the surface now, the little boytrying to piece together a toy and slowly realizing that it hasbeen broken beyond repair.“I can’t change it.I can’t do anythingabout it.It’s over.He’s gone.”Cain looked up as if rememberinghis audience, and his face hardened with resolve.The little boywas remembering that he was supposed to be a man.“I can be ‘sorry’until the end of time, and you still won’t have your brother.Right?Getting pushed around a little?Yeah, I deserve it.Ideserve it every day until the end of my life, and I’ll still bebetter off than the guy I killed.”
“My brother is with the Lord.”Mark had triedto use the idea to comfort himself in the past, but it had neverworked.Maybe it would be more effective with Cain.“No one isbetter off than him.You’re still down here, trying to work yourway through all the pain and suffering of the mortal world, butJimmy’s at peace, now.”
Cain squinted at Mark.“So why’d you do it,then?If you believe that.If you think your brother’s better offand I have nothing to feel bad about, why’d you tell Sean I wasgay?You said you wanted to hurt me.That’s because you knew I wasguilty.You knew I deserved it.”
Again, Mark wished he’d had more sleep.Therewas a way to answer this question, a smooth, proper approach thatwould befit a man of the cloth.But Mark couldn’t find it.Instead,he said, “I was wrong.Weak.”And because he couldn’t look at thebattered face before him and the altar not far away and be anythingbut truthful, he added, “I sinned.Against you, against myself,against God.I need to ask you and God for forgiveness, and I needto work on forgiving myself.”
Cain’s face contorted as if he were in pain.“You need to ask me for forgiveness?Are you…” He broke off andtook a step backward, his hands raised before him, palms facingMark.“I can’t do this.I can’t…” He stopped again, unable to evenname the challenge he found so daunting.A deep breath, and then hetook another backward step.“I’m sorry,” he blurted out.“Foreverything.I’m gone, I promise.”He turned and started for thedoor, saying, “It was a mistake.I’m not ready for this.”
Mark should have been quicker.But he wasn’tsure he was ready for any of it himself, and by the time he brokeout of his daze and strode to the door of the church, Cain was outof sight.As he’d promised, he was gone.
ChapterFifteen
It was several blocks before Lucas’s batteredbody wore through the strange rush of adrenaline that had poweredhis escape from the church.He slowed from the near-jog he’d beentraveling at and sagged against the brick wall of the neareststore.The priest was crazy.
No, that was disrespectful.The priest washoly, or something.Something pure, something better than Lucas.Much better.And Lucas had corrupted that purity by his merepresence, making the priest do something he regretted.Somethingtotally natural, something Lucas totally deserved, but the priestwas beating himself up about it.
“Lucas?”The voice was as familiar as theregret and concern it was laced with.“Lucas, honey, what happenedto you?”Mrs.Gage had appeared from somewhere and was staring athim like he was the walking dead.She’d never been much forrespecting personal space, and now she reached out to prod Lucas’sforehead, turning his face to display the damage.She frowned.“Ithought…Sean said you didn’t help in the fight.He said youabandoned him!”
“I did,” Lucas said.There was no point intrying to explain the subtleties of the situation.Sean hadinherited his black-and-white world view from his mother, althoughshe tended to see a bit more white and a bit less black than hedid.“This is from something else.”
She clucked in disapproval.“I asked Dave togive you the week off work so you and Sean could cool down, not soyou could go out and get in a fight with someone else!”
A week off.Not a full refusal, just a timeout.But Lucas had burned that bridge, now.Dave was no more likelyto want a fag on his crew than Sean.Still, it was nice to knowMrs.Gage hadn’t totally washed her hands of him.Not that itreally mattered—it wasn’t like Sean was going to forgive andforget.Lucas said, “Sorry.Sometimes…sometimes things justhappen.”
“Now you sound like Sean!”Mrs.Gage shookher head.“He was so excited about you coming home, Lucas.I don’tthink I’ve ever seen him so worked up, even if he did try to hideit.I think it was just too much, you know?Nothing could live upto that build-up!”She smiled softly.“And you’ve changed.”She sawLucas’s grimace and hastened to add, “Not in a bad way!Just in away that’s going to take Sean a while to get used to.That’sall.”
“Mrs.Gage.”Lucas stopped.He didn’t thinkhe could withstand any more of the woman’s well-meant optimism, buthe didn’t want to hurt her, either.“I think it’s a bit bigger thanthat,” he said carefully.“I think I’m…I didn’t change, not really.I just couldn’t hide it anymore.”
“Couldn’t hide what, Lukey?”
Lucas took a deep breath as if preparing tospeak, but he knew he couldn’t do it.Couldn’t say the word.And itwasn’t like that was the whole problem, really.It was part of it,obviously.A big part.But not all.“I’m not who Sean thought Iwas.”But that wasn’t quite true.“He thought we had an agreement,or something.And I didn’t keep up my end.”Didn’t keep lying aboutwho he was, or, more terrifying for Sean, about whotheywere.
Mrs.Gage frowned at him.“You need to sortit out between you,” she said firmly.“You’ve been too close fortoo long to throw it all away.And he’s too miserable withoutyou—he’s been a total asshole for the last couple days.”She smiledas she stepped backward.“So you need to make it better.Need to dowhat it takes to make my boy happy again.And to make you happytoo.You can do that, can’t you, Lukey?”
