But I didn't know how to say that. I still tried. "I don't love neither of you because you fuck me." I had to lick my lips because my mouth was trying to go dry, and my palms felt clammy. "I love you because of who you are. I love that we can talk about all the things. I know Cody's only dated a guy or two. Well, you know what I mean. And maybe someone flirts and it feels nice. Or maybe Ty's not a dick, right? And Tanner, maybe you change your mind and decide to play all nice and straight."
"With Cody!" Tanner huffed.
"Unless we fuck that up," I countered. "And I don't want you to. I don't want shit to go wrong, but it does. It always fucking does, and I just don't care about that shit. Hell, if you pick up some guy, Tanner, I'll be right there cheering you on. Same for Cody. I'm just saying that this? The way you make me feel?"
Cody was looking at the table, chewing on her lower lip. "What if you end up with someone, J.D.?"
"Shit," breathed. "Cody, I'm too fucking broken for that shit."
"Ok, but let's say you have to because of your sponsors or something. And kissing, not fucking," she pressed, refusing to let me get out of it. "Tanner, would you leave him?"
"But it'd be fake," Tanner said.
Cody just nodded, but her eyes were still on the wood, locked on some thought she was working through. "Yeah, but what if it's not? The two of you were ok with me and Ty. Why's it different?"
"Oh." And now Tanner was staring at nothing, his eyes unfocused.
"Yeah," I breathed. "I don't want us to be about who we do. I want us to be love. I want us to be the place we can always come back to. I want us to be more than rules and expectations, because the three of us? Well, we're a real bad couple."
And finally, Tanner nodded. "Yeah, that is a good point. It's also an odd number, and I do kinda want some couple time."
"With him?" Cody asked.
"And you," Tanner said. "Little less performance and more one-on-one. Not always, but sometimes."
"Yeah," she breathed. "And I don't want to feel like doing something wrong means I end up with nothing."
"That!" I said, pointing at her. "I don't want it to be a choice. I don't want walking away to even be on the table. I want this to be..."
"Real," Tanner said. "So, open it is." Then he breathed out a soft laugh. "I'm good with open. I just don't want secrets."
"Exactly," I agreed, because that was the part I'd been trying to say. "I trust both of you. I love both of you. I don't ever want you to doubt it, and we're gonna go burn the world, so let's not hold back."
"At all," Cody agreed.
Chapter 38
The week offwas starting to drag. On the upside, my phone had been going wild lately. Mostly, that was Peter keeping me in the loop, but it wasn't like there was anything for me to do. I'd tried contacting the local news stations about this mess. They hadn't been interested.
I'd been told rather bluntly that they'd run a segment last week when the death had occurred, but the news cycle had already moved on. So now, I was sitting in my hotel room with a bad movie playing, a case of beer on the table, and one sitting unopened beside me.
It was Friday. I should be getting cleaned up to head to the bar, but I honestly didn't want to. I'd been drunk enough times that it didn't hold any appeal. Yeah, maybe there'd be some women there, but my mind was on this mess - and fixing it.
Someone thumped hard on my door, snapping me out of the pity party I was trying to keep from falling into. Pushing out a heavy sigh, I made my way over, but when I opened the door, the first thing I saw was a pair of boxes. The smell of fresh pizza made my stomach growl. And holding all of it?
Jake.
"Hello, arch neblesis," he said, tipping his head at my room. "I have food. Wanna share?"
So I pulled open the door. "I have beer. Will trade."
"Deal," he said, pushing past me. "Is it Canadian?"
"Shit, no," I said around a laugh. "It's Bud."
Jake put the pizza down on the table, then turned one of the bottles. "Lime? Isn't that Cody's drink?"
"Fuck off. She got me hooked on it because it hides the water taste."
