"His mom's, you mean," he corrected.
I shrugged that off, because the difference didn't really matter. "Well, yeah. I just mean..." I paused as we reached a pair of wooden chairs, claiming the one on the right. "Tanner, I looked at my bank account yesterday."
"And?" he asked.
I took a sip of my coffee, debating whether or not saying this would be bad. "Um, I kinda have to have a sit down with Dad after finals. He told me going to finals counts, but after that, he's calling in our deal."
"Deal?"
I looked over to see him cradling his own cup against his chest, looking more relaxed than I'd ever seen him before. The breeze ruffled his strawberry blonde hair, and I was pretty sure there were a few freckles across the bridge of his nose. Pale, and not easy to see under the fluorescent lights, but they were visible in the sunlight.
"Dad made me promise that when I earned a million dollars, we'd sit down and talk about what came next. See, I told him I wanted to prove myself, and he pointed out that I already had. He said it's easy to get caught up in doing more and more until I end up breaking myself and losing it all."
"Yeah, it is," he agreed.
"So, once I got a million, we'd talk about when it would be enough. What my next step was. That sort of a thing. He didn't say a million was the goal. Just the point for us to reevaluate."
Tanner looked over with a sweet little smile on his lips. "And you have a million now?"
"No!" I huffed. "Not yet, but I mean..." I looked back down to my cup. "I will. Like, there's no way I won't make it. Even if I spend it all, I'll still have made it, and that's our deal. My partial season with the PBR will be enough for me to make more money than I can even understand."
"Nice," he breathed. "So, are you quitting after finals then?"
I sat there for a long minute, thinking about that. Part of me didn't want to. I wanted to shove it in everyone's face that I - a woman - could do this. I wanted to win a gold buckle of my own. I'd had all these dreams, and I still longed to actually accomplish them, but they'd all pointed at the same end goal.
I'd reached that goal: making enough money to buy myself a chance at a different life. I didn'thaveto do the others, but I wanted to. I also hated the way the PBR felt right now. I was so tired of being pissed about one thing or another. I despised the way my boyfriends were being treated just because of who they loved. I was sick of that shit, and wanted to say "fuck it," but I couldn't exactly do both.
"Cody?" Tanner asked when I was quiet for a little too long.
"I don't know," I finally admitted. "I mean, I love bull riding. I also don't want to end up like J.D., you know? I don't want to limp for the rest of my life. I don't want..." I paused, watchingthe sunlight ripple across the pond before us. "I always imagined chasing after my kids. Riding horses. Working the cattle, or the equipment. Farming, basically. Granted, it's also the only thing I've ever known."
"I grew up in a city," he reminded me. "I had to work hard to get a taste of this country life. To me, it feels like a dream. The pace is slower. The work is easy and hard at the same time. The sort of thing you can keep doing without getting bored of."
"Yeah, it kinda is," I agreed.
"And I'm ok with not going back," he said softly.
Which made me look over quickly. "You're done fighting bulls?"
He made a little noise and canted his head. "Not really? I mean, I love that too. I do, Cody, and if I can do it again, I definitely will. But this little break they made me have? I just..." He swallowed hard. "Cody, it's no longer the most important thing to me."
"Yeah," I breathed. "I know what you mean. Retiring from it, settling down, and starting the next stage doesn't sound as bad as I'd thought it would."
"Exactly!" he said, sitting up and turning sideways in his chair so he was facing me. "And I get that you and J.D. are still going places. All I'm saying is I'm fine with being the guy you leave at home. I do know how to cook and clean. I'd actually be pretty happy cutting hay or feeding cows." Then he chuckled once. "I also can't afford to do it on my own."
"Ok?" Why would he need to do it on his own?
"Cody, I'm saying I'd make a damned good house husband," he told me. "My panic about not working? It's because Idon'twant to work in a mail room. I hate the idea of an office job. But farming? That requires land, and land isn't cheap. It requires cattle, tractors, and a whole lot of shit that's not cheap. It requires money, but you and J.D. make money. I mean, I couldhandle things while you're on the Tough Enough series tour, and then when you two retire, we'd already have it all set up."
"Yeah?" I asked, feeling my heart doing some silly things in my chest. "Like, you'd want to keep doing this when we're not in a different city every week?"
"I would," he breathed. "I..." His hazel eyes found mine. "This thing we have? Cody, I like it. Fuck, Iloveit. I like how the three of us never seem to step on each other. I can't get enough of how our fights - if you can call them that - don't pull us apart. It's never me against my partner. It's me and you and J.D. There's always a middle ground, and in all the time we've been together, though all the shit we've already handled, neither of you have done a single thing to make me wonder if this is the right place for me."
"I know what you mean," I agreed. "And Isabella said something when we got here. I've been thinking about it since. It's like..." I pressed my lips together, trying to put this big feeling into simple words. "She asked me what was more important, basically. Bull riding or J.D. Now, she was testing me, but I immediately thought of both of you - and I couldn't pick."
"Between us and bull riding?" he asked.
I nodded. "If I had to choose, Tanner. If the PBR makes me pick between one of my boyfriends - either one of you - and it? The PBR is losing. I made the money. I can have the life I'd always dreamed of. I'mnotstuck anymore. And sure, I'd like to have more money, because a million dollars doesn't buy a lot of land, not to mention cattle. But... I mean, it's not just me."
