"So don't run this time," I told him.
"I will." He pushed out a breath. "That's why I want to talk to Kindle. I want to prove that I can do it. I want to stop running, Violet, and I want to figure out how to do this. How to just be happy without always waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"Ok," I agreed. "You still love that man?"
"Not at all," he assured me. "I honestly want to do this for me, but Luke fucking hates it. I don't know how to explain this to him. Me, the shrink, and I am at a loss for words."
"It's different when it's your mess and not theirs, though," I pointed out. "Ash and I can talk to Luke. You do what you need to. Just know that we're not ok with Kindle. The three of us agree that we have no interest in a cheater. We do not want to bring in someone who lied to you."
"And is still lying," he said. "No, I'm honestly not thinking that way. He said it wasone time. I know Jonathan was at his place constantly for months. He said he couldn't find me. He never left a voicemail. Blocked or not, he still can. Just won't ring on my side. He's here for something, and I'm willing to guess that he lost his job and needs a sugar daddy, but I'm not it. No, I'm not interested in getting back together with him. I just want..." He reached for his bottle, paused, but didn't lift it. "I want closure."
I reached over to rest my fingers on his wrist. "Cy, that's ok. And so long as you talk to us, we'll always be on your side. I promise."
"I wanted to be Luke's friend first."
The words were almost under his breath, but I still heard them. I also heard the pain and confusion wrapped around them. Cy was struggling with something, but I wasn't sure what.
"Before you had sex?" I asked.
He nodded. "Don't get me wrong, I wanted him. Oh, I've daydreamed about that man for a while. And when he asked me to do that? Vi, he asked me to fuck him, and I know that takes some balls. There was this rush of pride, because he askedme, not Ash. And there was a whole lot of lust going on. He's a gorgeous man, and I want to do a lot of bad things to him. The problem is that I had it all worked out in my head how I was going to make this work."
"How's that?" Because I wanted to keep him talking.
"Well," Cy said, turning his hand so he was holding mine. "We're supposed to be good for a month. I was going to get a plan for the cabins, then ask Luke to help me with them. We'd use some power tools, paint some walls, and shore up some floors. We'd talk while we worked. We'd crack a few stupid jokes, and talk about this woman we're both into. Maybe this guy we're fucking. I'd make it clear that I'm proud of him for accepting it. He'd smile at me a few times. Maybe a stolen kiss here or there, but we'd be friends first."
"How does this change any of that?" I asked.
"Doesn't," he admitted. "It just changed the plan, and I'd been hanging onto that plan for dear life. It was how I would keep from fucking this up. It was how I'd prove to all three of you that I'm in this for real, and that I'm not going anywhere."
"And now you're having to change gears in your mind," I realized. "Push in the clutch, let things spin for a bit, and then find a new gear."
He glanced over to the field, then laughed. "Is he trying to do a doughnut?"
I followed his eyes, and then laughed. "I think that's more of a circle. And you know Luke's crazy for the guy if he's letting Ash tear up the hay."
"Don't let me push them away?" Cy asked. "Don't let me screw us up again?"
"Younever screwed us up," I insisted. "Not once. We were kids, and we made mistakes. Ash should've apologized, but he was too proud. I should've made you two talk, but I wasn't strong enough back then. You should've called, but you were scared of making things worse. All completely understandable mistakes. Not a single one counts as screwing us up. We each bear part of that blame, Cy. And if it happens again, I am strong enough to make you fix it. Same for Ash, or Luke." I gripped his hand, making him look at me. "Or even me. This town is not going to tear us apart. It's what made us, and we're going to figure it all out."
"It'll be messy," he warned me.
I nodded. "Oh, yeah. It'll also be beautiful. We're going to break all the rules, Cy. We're the Shades of Trouble, which means we're used to getting into it. There's no reason to be scared just because things are good. You're allowed to enjoy this. Hell,Iam! I love seeing those two playing around. I can't get enough of you and Luke pretending to be just pals. I love how Faith has accepted all of us, and I know she can feel that we're close, but it doesn't matter to her how close."
"I really like that kid," he admitted.
"Me too. I'm so proud of her, and that's the only reason I'm spending my nights with just Luke."
"Still hard," he pointed out.
I nodded. "It is. I want to have all of you fall into my bed together, climb in the middle, and wake up wrapped in men."
He laughed. "Oh, I bet you do. Can't really say I'm opposed, either. How we gonna handle this once Luke gets custody?"
"Slowly," I decided. "We'll have to talk to Faith, and I think this is something Luke needs to handle."
"He wants to come out to her. Shit, he wants to come out to everyone," Cy said. "I'm gonna talk him down from that, because it could get this taken back to court if we're not careful, but he intends to prove to us that he's all in. He just doesn't see that he already has."
"He has," I agreed, sliding my thumb across the back of Cy's hand. "So have you. The past is the past. We all fucked up. Let's just do our best not to make the same mistakes, ok?"
