"What did Faith think?" Ash asked.
He began to crumple the paper in his hands. "She said it doesn't have a backyard for her dog. I told her she wouldn't get a dog if we had to move out because the lease probably wouldn't allow it."
So I looked over at Violet who had yet to say a thing. "Did you know about this?"
"He has to worry about Faith first," she said.
"No." I was shaking my head. "This is not ok." Then I looked back at Luke. "You can't let your child tell you how to live!"
"Instead, my child can make a decision that will twist the rest of her life," Luke shot back. "That's the real problem here, Cy. I'm trying to be a good dad. Meredith is not a good mom. She thinks Faith should grow up, be pretty, and get married to someone with money. She hates Faith's best friend and tells her that sticks and stones break bones, but words don't hurt - and we all know that's a lie." He tossed up his hands. "What am I supposed to do? Put my foot downnowand have her choose Meredith because she's having a tantrum? Or do I deal with the tantrum, settle the custody, and then put my foot down?"
"That's not what he's saying," Ash told Luke.
"Then what are you saying?" Luke asked.
But all I could think about were the problems. Faith hated us now. Simmons was trying to get revenge on Luke to destroy us. It would work. No, we wouldn't sell Southwind, but this was destroying us - me. It was destroyingme,and it felt like I'd fucked it all up somehow. Because of Kindle. Because we hadn't been careful enough. Because I'd kissed this man, turned his world upside down, and now he was paying for it.
It was stupid. I knew it was, and yet I still couldn't stand here and take it. Shoving to my feet, I told them, "I need to step outside."
Then I just walked. Once my feet were moving, they didn't want to stop. It had felt just like this when Ash had said he was leaving. The same thing happened when I'd seen Kindle with that man. Every fiber in my body demanded that I start packing my shit and get the hell out of here before it could crash down around me.
Instead, I walked.
My feet headed to the barn out of habit. The stalls were empty. The horses were still in the pasture, and the barn wasn't far enough. Heading to the far side, I slipped out the doors and turned away from the field. A few more steps carried me toward the hay barn. I didn't run. I wasnotrunning. This time, I was walking, and I'd stop right over there where it was dark, and -
"Cy!" Luke's voice called behind me.
The barn opened a second later, but I kept going to that shadow. When I reached it, I pressed a hand against the side of the hay barn. The other went to my face, rubbing my eyes between my thumb and middle fingers. We were falling apart. It had been so fucking perfect, and I should've known it wouldn't last.
"Cy..." Luke said again, soft this time as he moved behind me. "It's just an option."
"It's not the lease," I mumbled.
He grabbed my shoulder and turned me around, but he didn't pause to look at my face. He just wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I pressed my face into his neck, not giving a damn who saw, and I breathed, long and slow. I used the air flowing into my lungs to push back the stinging in my eyes.
"We'll figure it out, Cy," he promised. "It may be ugly, but we knew this wouldn't be easy. I also don't give up."
"I shouldn't have kissed you," I told him. "None of this would've happened if I'd just thought first! If I'd pulled my head out of my ass, and - "
"Quit," Luke snapped, leaning me back to see my face. "I didn't fucking push you off. This? Us? It's the second-best thing that's ever happened in my life. Faith's the first, and you know what? That was an accident too. I am not done with Southwind. I'm in for the long haul, and Faith may not want to live here, but if I lease this place, it's for six months. Half a year where I'll be living there and working here, and that should be enough time to work all this out. That's the worst-case scenario, but it means I can move us out and the three of you can stop pretending, and I fucking owe you that."
"I don't want three," I growled. "Don't you fucking get it? This? It works with all five of us. We love Faith too. We are dying each time she glares at us. Ash is convinced that he should go back to New York for good because he's shit with kids! This? It's not about who slept with who. It's about our fucking family coming apart at the seams, and I don't fucking know how to put us back together! I'm supposed to be the shrink. I should have some answer, and all I can think is that I want to get on my bike and go before the pain hits."
Luke grabbed both sides of my head and made me look at him. "I am not leaving you. I might move for a bit, but that's not the same damned thing. I am not leaving you, Cyan. If you want to get rid of me, you will have to chase my ass off, you hear me?"
I turned my head to the side and laughed once, but I did - I heard everything he said and exactly what he meant. That vise-grip on my heart was starting to relax. The rush of adrenaline that told me to bolt was letting up. I wasn't running. This time, I was not going to run away when it got hard. If he wasn't, then I wouldn't either.
"Think we can do this?" I asked.
Luke leaned in to press his forehead against mine. "I'm a dad. I'm a packaged deal. Everything I do is what I think is best for Faith, and it always will be, but you? Them? This is what makes mehappy. This is where my heart belongs. Southwind is my home, and I didn't realize it until I had nowhere else to go. But Cy? Southwind isn't this piece of land. It's you. It's Violet and Ash. It's Chartreuse, Crimson, Cobalt, Blaze, Teal, and so many other colors I haven't met yet. Home is where the heart is, right? Well, my heart will always be right here." And he pressed his palm over my chest.
I clasped his neck. "I'm not running away, Luke. This man I know taught me that when something matters enough, it's worth sucking up my pride and doing everything I can to fight for it. I love your kid like she's my own. I can't stand that we let her down. I want to wrap her up and keep her safe. I'm just terrified that the only way to do that means losing both of you."
"No," he swore. "Cy, the four of us? We burn brightly. Maybe it's too bright for most people, but I don't fucking care. When we're together, it's hot. We explode. The love, the bullshit trying to pull us all down? Yeah, maybe we combust, but here's the thing. We might burn hotter than anything I've ever seen before, but this? There's no way it's going to burn out, Cy. This is the kind of love that burns eternal. You can't lose me. I won'tletit happen."
I clasped the back of his head, holding him right there. I just needed to keep touching him, but I wasn't dumb enough to try for more. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to hold him so tight. Instead, I just held his brow to mine there in the darkness, listening to the crickets fill the night air around us.
Violet might be the thing that brought us all together, but Luke was what kept us from pulling ourselves apart. Somehow, he was the counter-balance to our fire, and he did it with plenty of passion of his own. I loved Ash so hard. I loved Violet with a strength I'd never imagined. But Luke? I loved him just like this: a little raw and a whole lot of real.
