"Life's not fair," I countered without thinking about it.
He ignored that. "Do you love them?"
Now my heart was beating too hard. "Huh?"
"Cy and Ash. Do you love them?" he asked again.
I nodded, waiting for this to explode, but confused because he was lying in my bed, not standing over it. "They're my closest friends. Like two pieces of my life I never want to lose. Of course I love them."
"You slept with Ash," he pointed out.
With a groan, I rolled onto my back. I should've known this would come up. I'd braced for it earlier, but he'd caught me off guard. I didn't have any ready or easy answers for him. All I had was the truth, and with everything he'd been through today, I figured I owed him that much.
"Ash was my first. It was safe. Somewhere in there, I was sure I loved him like that, but he kept pushing me off, saying we were too young, and it changed. We became best friends. We had other lovers, but since we were always together, it was easy to scratch that itch."
"And he's not jealous?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Not like that. What we have is deeper than bodies, Luke."
"And Cy?" he asked. "You slept with him?"
"No." I sighed. "I'd never kissed him until the other night. Ash and I left when we were young, they were together..." Then I turned my head to look at him. "But you should know that."
"I'm putting it all together," he assured me. "Making sure I'm not getting more confused. So, you love Cy, but you haven't really seen him since you were kids?"
I turned, propping my head up with my elbow on the pillow. "I saw him. I came back just before he aged out. He was headed off to a college Gran helped him get into. From there, he went to medical school. That's how he ended up in Colorado. We talked. When I was in Denver, we'd meet up - at first. Somewhere in there, he kinda stopped trying. We almost lost him, but Gran found him. She was already sick by then, but she found him and made it clear that he was still in the rainbow."
He smiled at that. "Is that what you call it?"
"The Shades of Trouble was what she named us," I explained. "But she always called us her little rainbow. Not just the three of us, but all the colors. She said we brightened her life, and that everyone deserved something so vivid in their lives."
He nodded. "Would you sleep with him?" Clearly, he was still talking about Cy.
"Not while I'm with you," I promised. "In theory? Sure. But he has a little say in that too, and he really does prefer men. Ash is the other way. He prefers women, but he's slept with..." I bit my lip, thinking back. "I think three men. Well, plus fooling around with Cy as kids. It took Ash a long time to not be ashamed of it, but somewhere along the way, he figured out that this is just who we are. We're not like other people, and that's the thing that makes us special."
"Not like others how?" Luke pressed.
I reached up to scrub at my face, wishing I was a little less fuzzy. "The rules don't apply to us. We know them, but only so we know how to break them. We know that there's nothing stronger than a good team. The whole rainbow, Luke. We made it out alive because we learned how to drop everything for each other. Gran always said that's why some get ahead in life and others don't. It's all about the ones standing behind you, so she taught us to make a wall. To become battering rams. No one can do it on their own, so if we're not alone, then we can always find a way to tackle anything. Who we loved was only a small part of that."
He nodded, accepting that. "So, why don't you care if I..." He grunted and his eyes jumped across the room as he tried to find the right words. "Mess around with a man," he finished in a mumble.
"Because you deserve to know." I grabbed his arm, making him look at me again. "Because I like you, Luke. I like you for wanting to save me even when I don't need it. I like how you ask when you aren't sure. I like that you're gorgeous and considerate, but also strong enough to stand your ground, even when you're wrong. I love how you treat your daughter. I like you, and if this is a part of you, then why wouldn't I like it too? Why wouldn't I want you to, I don't know, spread your wings and see if you're the kind that flies or swims?"
"Or clucks around the yard in circles," he added, clearly getting my reference to types of birds. "I just... It doesn't make sense. You pay me too much, even when I would've done it for free. You take the blame so shit won't come back on me, like when I moved my horses. Over and over, you insert yourself into my life, and I feel like I'm caught in a tornado. Everything's fucked up, but I knew I could still come here. I wasn't even worried about walking not only into your house, but into your room."
"Because I want you here," I breathed, moving my hand to cup his face. "Luke, are you ok?"
"I think I like men," he told me. "I think..." His eyes searched mine. "I don't want to mess this up, but you weren't mad. You keep being worried about me instead. You... Don't care? No, that's not right. You care. You just want me to be happy, and I want the same for you. I see you with those guys. I know they feel something. It's there every time they look at you. But then there's you. You're cold sometimes, and I think that's when you're hiding something. I think you learned that you have to be, and..." His hand caressed the side of my face. "I don't know why you'd let me figure it out and I wouldn't do the same for you."
"What are you saying, Luke?"
He leaned a little closer, making me pull my arm out from under me. Then a little more, until I rolled on my back and he leaned over me. "I'm going to sound like a fuckin' idiot," he whispered, "but I liked watching you kiss him. It makes it feel like these thoughts in my head aren't that disgusting. So, how can you say it's ok for me to mess around with them and it not be true for you? How can I think about it and tell you not to?"
"Luke?"
"I know you love them. Love, Violet, and that's a big fuckin' deal. And this thing with us? I don't even know if you're my girlfriend or just some woman I'm chasing, but it feels real. It feels like it's going somewhere, but it's not where I thought. Not where I was told it should. You're telling me to break all the rules, so I'm telling you to do the same. Kiss them, see if you like it. Stop pushing them away, and I dunno, maybe it'll help me do the same."
"You want me to fuck Cy and Ash?" I asked.
