"What?" I pressed.
He lifted my hand to his lips, kissing my fingers. "A sinner. A bad father. A liar. A faggot."
I grunted, not impressed. "I fucking hate that word."
"I don't even know the right ones to use. I just thought I was aware enough to accept when someone else was better looking than me. I never..." He shook his head like he was trying to sling something into place in his mind. "Fuck. I like coming here. I liked working with Cy. Yeah, I kinda like punching Ashton, but I'm rethinking that."
That made me laugh. "He's an acquired taste. Keep in mind that he also made his first million before he was twenty-one. He's earned all of that bravado he throws around."
"Yeah." Luke reached up to trace the line of my jaw. "I feel like an idiot, and I'm so embarrassed that it hurts."
"I thought he was trying to chase you off," I said, leaning into his hand.
"Nothing's going to chase me away from you," he promised. "I just don't even know what happened. Or what's happening. I... Yeah. I don't even have a word for this."
"Does it turn you on?" I asked.
He nodded weakly. "Yeah. Kinda like watching Cy kiss you."
"Same. Seeing you like that with Ash?" I made a point of fanning my face. "I think I may have a little voyeuristic streak. Gonna let me watch?"
"Shit. You act like I have the balls to kiss a man again." He tried to step back, but I wouldn't let him run away. My hand held him in place. "Violet, I'm not that guy."
"You were a minute ago. Sounds to me like you are when you stop fighting it."
"I can't be like you," he said. "I can't just dare the whole fucking town to deal with it or shove it. I don't have a rich friend to back me up or a house that I inherited. I have a daughter, Vi. A little girl who's got enough problems, and she doesn't need mine. I was supposed to be falling in love with the most amazing woman I've ever laid eyes on. Not making out with her gay best friends!"
"Who says you can't have it all?" I asked. "See, that's the thing. We're told all our lives that we have to play within the rules. That we need to sit down, shut up, and not make waves. But look around you, Luke. Who are the ones that are winning? You think Paul Simmons does what other people want him to? Do you think Ashton listened when people said that only gay men design lingerie? Do you think Cy gave a fuck when he was told that he wasn't good enough to go to medical school? No. If you want something, then don't let anything stop you."
"And when it all comes falling down?" he asked.
"Then you stand back up and try it again, then again, and you don't fucking stop until you figure it out. That's what you did with Faith. When Meredith said you couldn't be at the hospital, you did it anyway. When the rest of the world said you should marry her, you figured out how to be the best father I've ever seen without a wedding ring. You put Faith first, and you wouldn't let a damned thing stop you, but when are you going to do any of that for yourself?"
"I can't," he said.
"Yeah," I told him, "you damned well can, and no matter what happens with us - me and you, Cy and you, or even Ash and you - It doesn't matter. The moment you stepped up and said you'd fix my barn, I decided that I'd help you back.Thatis how this works. Ashton isn't the only one here who has a few million in the bank, which means that youdohave a rich friend who can help out when you need it. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it. And if you ask, I promise that we will help whenever you need it."
He bowed his head, pressing his brow to mine. "I don't deserve you, Violet."
"You picked me up when I needed it most," I reminded him. "Now it's my turn."
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Luke went home that afternoon, saying he needed to think. I let him go, but I hated it. Cy and Ash were out at the cabins until well after dark. Ash brought a grilled cheese sandwich into my office and let me know he was sorry, then vanished again. In the other room, I could hear him and Cy talking beneath the sounds of the television.
I managed to type up three purchase orders for the Board of Directors to approve, then set them aside. I'd send those out tomorrow. The Shades didn't need to work on a Sunday night. When I could find nothing else to distract me, I headed upstairs and crawled into bed. Surprisingly, sleep came quickly.
I woke to a sound, but I couldn't place it. For a moment, I listened, but it didn't happen again. I'd just fallen back to sleep when my bed moved. Sucking in a breath, I opened my eyes just as a warm body slipped under the covers and curled up against my back.
"Violet?" It was Luke.
I rolled over to see him, surprised to find that he'd lost his shirt. "Hey, cowboy," I mumbled. "You came back."
"I couldn't sleep," he admitted, snuggling a little closer.
That pulled me the rest of the way out of sleep. "You ok?"
He lifted his hand to smooth the hair away from my face. "It's not fair."
