I nodded. "Yeah. Trust me, I know exactly what it's like to be where he is."
He huffed at that. "That almost sounded like a compliment, but I'm pretty sure Luke's currently freaking out about someone thinking he's like us."
"Not so sure he isn't," I said, twirling the blade of grass between my fingers.
"He's straight," Cy assured me.
"So was I." I looked up and met his dark eyes. "Until I realized it's not that simple. He also wouldn't have kissed you back like that if he wasn't into it."
"I blindsided him," he said, trying to explain it away.
"And he had a fistful of your shirt and was leaning in." I laughed once. "You're too easy, Cy. I don't mean a slut. I mean that you're an easy man to let in. You're easy to trust. You're easy to get to know."
He shoved his hand over his mouth, staring at the ground between my feet. "Then why did you cut me out like that?"
I sighed. "I dunno. Looking back, it's all a lot clearer. I was embarrassed about saying I wanted to be a model. Girls are models. I was already trying to figure out how that fit with me sucking your dick. And the chances of it happening? Everyone wants to be one, but no one really is. It's like being a rock star. Just an empty dream."
"You didn't even tell me you'd applied," he said. "Didn't say you were waiting to hear back. Didn't tell me you thought it would be fun or a pipe dream. You said nothing until you said you were leaving in two days."
"And you were already moving on," I reminded him.
He grunted and dropped his head into his hands. "So I didn't fucking cry, ok? Here was this gorgeous guy, much too good for me. He was straight until he kissed me, and then I went and fell in love with him. I thought you had to be playing me. The stupid queer boy, right? A good gag for you. Something to laugh about with the other guys. So, yeah, I made it sound like I had options. You never stopped to think about the simple fact that we never left Southwind, and everyone else here was straight!"
"Covering your pride?" I asked.
He nodded. "Because you leaving felt like a kick in the balls. Then you took her with you? She never even came back to pack, Ash. I went from being on top of the world to rock fucking bottom. I was all alone again, and Vi was getting treatment for her eating issues, and you were so excited about Europe that you never noticed that I was drowning without you both."
"I wanted you to say you'd wait for me," I said softly.
"I did wait," he admitted. "And then I waited a little longer, but you never came back. Then I met a girl, and then a boy, and then another girl, a few men, and I stopped letting myself think about you. Got into college, drank too much, smoked too much, and yeah."
"And became a doctor," I finished for him. "I watched your graduation stream, you know. May have gotten some dust in my eyes when you crossed the stage. Violet was convinced I was allergic to the eye makeup they had us in."
"You did guyliner?" He flashed me a smile. "Bet it looked good."
"Shit, it was a full-on cat eye." I tossed the stalk of grass toward him. "I'm sorry I was a stupid kid, Cyan. I've missed you since the moment I got in Gran's car to head to the airport."
"I loved you," he said softly. "We're not supposed to find 'the one' when we're sixteen, but I'm pretty sure I did."
"Kindle?" I countered.
He shook his head. "No. He was a distraction. I hoped he'd be enough, but I just wanted someone to want me back, and I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I had these memories of a place that felt perfect, and a real life where all anyone wanted to know was if my mom and dad were proud of me."
"Shit," I breathed, knowing that feeling too well. "And when you say they're gone, it's all apologies and shit because they assume they're dead. No way to get into that without chasing someone off."
"Exactly." He leaned back on his hands. "How come you didn't end up with Vi?"
"Kinda did in a way," I admitted. "Somewhere in a fancy Tokyo hotel, we went all the way, deciding that we'd rather screw up our first time with each other, and she started blooming not long after that. Everyone wanted her on the runway. Older men were buying her diamonds and offering her cars and shit. I was getting hit on by other models who were so gay they were flaming."
"Not your type," he agreed.
I nodded. "And somewhere in there, I fell in love with her and convinced myself that meant I was out of love with you."
I watched as he dragged his tongue between his teeth and lips, slowly bobbing his head to show he'd heard me. "I think I did the same. Every time she called, my heart skipped a fucking beat. I liked her, but I was supposed to be with you. I had a crush on her when she started taking classes with us, but she was off limits, you know? Gran's girl. But she didn't ever act it. And then when she came back that first time?"
I laughed, knowing what he meant. "I think her hair was neon purple back then, and she'd gotten boobs. The perfect little cover girl, all ribs and bones everywhere, but she made it look so good."
"Yeah, she did," he agreed. "I think her waist could've fit in one of my hands, but she still managed to have curves. You were doing some underwear spread, and she showed up just in time for me to head out. I realized that she might look twenty-one, but she was sixteen fucking years old. Believe it or not, I'm glad it was you and not some stage manager who got in her pants first."
