“You don’t have to worry. My mom’s not home, and she’s not expected back for hours. Wear what you want. Come as you are.”
My dick throbs hopefully at that last sentence. Of course it takes it the wrong way. I shove my hands over my lap. “What’s your mom’s name? I don’t want to just think of her as Carissa’s Mother.”
“Sorry! Did we not tell you her name yesterday?”
“I think there were more pressing things to discuss.”
“It’s Julia.”
“Julia. That’s a very unmotherly name.”
She laughs and waves the cat’s paw at me again. “Unmotherly?” She kisses Pumpkin’s face when he shoves it into hers. “She wasn’t born a mother. She was once just a baby, and then a kid, then a teenager.”
“Yes, sorry. I’m an idiot.”
She shakes her head. “You’re not.”
She smooches Pumpkin again. Woof Woof Dog raises his head, thumping his tail eagerly. He’s got the jealous dog look down. I quickly stroke his belly. In response, he raises his tail and curls it around his doggy parts before letting it fall back and letting out the longest and loudest foghorn fart.
I gape at the sound before I realize that sitting here with an open mouth and fart smells in the air isn’t the smartest thing in the world.
“Sorry!” It’s impossible for Carissa to keep a straight face. “Oh my god. You can have a shower if you want. I’ll make us breakfast, and we can eat in here. In bed.”
“Wait.” I snag her around the waist as she goes to walk by. She loses her balance, lets out a little squeal, and ends up sitting down right on my lap.
On my cock.
I’m lucky I don’t make the same high-pitched sound.
“Oh,” she breathes, swiveling on my lap to at least get a side glimpse of my face. “Oh.”
“Sorry. Shit. I didn’t want to lose the moment. There’s nothing more important than what I want to tell you. I might be shit at it, but I need to give it a try.”
“Hold on a second.” She releases Pumpkin onto the bed. Behind us, the dog shifts, rolls onto his side, and farts again. This one is more like a slow wheeze, with much less oomph. “Wow. That hardly makes for a great atmosphere.”
I wait for a minute, sorting out my thoughts before I voice them. “I meant what I said yesterday.” My arm tightens around her waist, drawing her just a little bit further in. “You want this, I’ll fight for it. You wantme, I’ll figure out how to be here for you. I don’t want to do music forever. I always saw myself taking a break and having a family. It’s something I’ve always wanted. Iwasn’t just saying it. There’s room in my life. I want there to be. I’llmakethat room.”
My dick twitches under her thighs at the way her whole face softens. “You always did say you wanted kids more than anything, when the time was right.”
“I thought I’d have to shelf that time, but as it is, it just happened. I’m devastated about it, but I’m going to get through it. All the hard stuff. It’s going to be a rough couple of weeks, and I’m always going to feel so much guilt over hurting people like this. The fans. The band. Everyone.Everyoneis going to be so upset.”
“They will, but they know you.” She strokes my cheek, and my heart accelerates to a speed that’s probably not even safe. “They know you’re not going to just give up and disappear forever. It might be a break or the end of Wilder’s Peril, but it’s not the end ofyou.”
“When I think about the guys, I just want to throw up.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you did the absolute best you could. It’s easier for some people to put the blame on someone else than to admit they were part of the problem. In time, they might change their mind.”
“If not, then it’s going to be a big loss.”
“They might have their own stuff they’re working through. The most growth usually happens in the hardest, bleakest times. The only thing you can do is be honest, and if you want to be there when they’re ready, let them know. They might ridicule you now or scoff at it, but it won’t last forever. I don’t know them the way you do, but I know them a little, and I think that’s true. Especially for Matt. He’s responsible for his own happiness, and I know he’ll find it one day. This isn’t the end of his career either.”
I don’t know what it is I feel. I haven’t sorted it out. It’s a hundred different things all at the same time. More than I’ve felt throughout most of my life. It’s all hitting hard.
The last thing I thought I would be doing is mixing… whatever this is, with all this change. I don’t even know what stage this is. Desire? Infatuation? Falling? Crushing hard? How can any of those be right for how long I’ve known this woman?
In-between? Is that the right word? I’m trying to bridge the gap from before to now. Professional to personal. Friendship to something more intimate.
If I had a guitar in my hands, I might be able to work through this. The words wouldn’t get stuck in my brain, lodging in some channel that refuses to be reached.
