I shake my head and take a drink from his water bottle while he watches. “Just sleep.”
I should check my phone and see if Nathan replied.
I should make sure Annie’s okay because it’s around one and I don’t know if she’s with the guys or upstairs asleep.
I always check on everyone. But tonight, I just can’t.
Why is he staring at my shirt? I’ve worn this a million times. Does he want me to say something? I imagine his teasing voice asking if I have any confessions, comments, or complaints, but we’re way past that tonight.
Jude puts his plate on the coffee table and reaches for me, tugging the hem of my shirt with his eyes focused on the night’s baseball scores. I curl my legs beside me as he wraps an arm around my shoulder and guides me to lay my head on the throw pillow in his lap where his plate was balanced minutes ago. This is notentirelyout of the ordinary, but we’ve been together all day, and the tension has not let up.
I expect him to revert to humor or hightail it out of here, but there’s no wet willy in my ear, no tickling, teasing, or sending meoff to bed so he can get home. This might be a bad idea, but once he starts stroking my hair, it doesn’t matter.
How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing this exists?
A storm of panic twists in my chest. I shift my body to hide my face against his shirt and wrap my arms around his back. My eyes burn, but I refuse to let him see me cry again. His arms curl around my back to cradle me tightly.
“I’m sorry, Lu.”
“Please don’t be.”
“Then I’m not.”
Within minutes, I am completely and gloriously unconscious.
Chapter 14
Here Comes the Sun
Jude didn’t stay long. I may be groggy when I wake up, but I’m not a sound sleeper. I get stuck between dreaming and awake, but I still hear everything.
He put his plate in the dishwasher. The couch sank, and I felt him next to me for a minute. I heard a muffled swear, then I think he stroked my hair and kissed my head. Then the room felt empty, and I knew he was gone.
I wake up to “Here Comes the Sun” blaring at an obnoxious volume from my phone on the coffee table at who-knows-what time from the alarm I did not set for myself. I reach to turn it off and roll myself to the floor with all the grace of a drunk baby giraffe.
Is the table farther from the couch than it was last night? I squint, looking up from the floor. This feels intentional. Point goes to Jude Daniel. “We don’t keep score”my butt.
I’m awake now. It’s utterly disrespectful how smart he is.
I crawl a couple of feet to my phone. Message previews run down the screen, causing my heart rate to tick up as I tap wildly to turn off the music in an uncaffeinated blur. I didn’tcheck on anyone last night. What if someone needed me and I was curled up asleep? Especially in the incriminating position I found myself in.
Jude Daniel (Take a Sad Song and Make it Sexy) Crawford:Working daytime office hours for a while, so I may not see you much. Text if you need me. I saw that message when I set your alarm. Not ok. One of us will handle it. I took the last pie. Love ya Punk.
What message? From Nathan? What doeshandle itmean? And whichone of usis he speaking of? Me or him or one of the guys? Because that’s a hard no. Nathan would lose his mind. He’s jealous of any person I have contact with, male or female, past or present. Yes, I have roller skated all over the boundary lines lately, because I’m tired of trying to do everything on my own, but if he meant one of them would talk to Nathan, that won’t solve anything. It’ll only make him more hostile.
I need to see what he said. I start scrolling back through the last few messages. They’re not bad compared to some things he’s said before. Just accusing me of being unsupportive and a spoiled brat who doesn’t understand adult responsibilities. He had one of his “some people” rants.
“Some people have to work and don’t have time to hang out in coffee shops or pretend to be in a band. Some people’s lives aren’t perfect. Some people have bills to pay and families to take care of, so you better grow up and get some priorities…” Blah, blah, blah. It was sprinkled with more colorful adjectives, but that was the gist of it.
He makes me feel bad about any good thing in my life, and the weight I feel every time we speak has become unbearable. I don’t know how to get out. I’ve told so many people that I believein forgiveness and not holding someone’s past against them, but the present is a bigger problem than the past.
I feel physically sick at the thought of going back on a commitment, but staying trapped under Nathan’s rules for the rest of my life … I can’t live like this. I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish here anymore. Sam said if the jacket doesn’t fit, take it off. I wish it were that easy. This jacket is lined with metal spikes and broken glass.
The other messages are from my mom asking if I am coming home this weekend and Annie from last night saying she helped the guys unload and was already in bed, but she locked the door since she didn’t know how late I’d be with my hot rock star. Nice, Annie. Thanks. As if she wasn’t with the other two herself. There’s a zero percent chance that he didn’t read that. I don’t care. She’s the one who said it.
If there was any question, yesterday confirmed that Judeis, without a doubt,objectivelyhot. I wouldn’t deny it. Admitting it is far less suspicious than protesting.
Whew, yesterday. Goodness.
