Someday, maybe our conversations won’t feel like a game of strategy and skill.
But today was not that day.
My mood drastically improves when my phone lights up on the way to work.
“Traffic’s already at a standstill.” Jude sighs. “And as soon as I get back to town, my mom needs me to drop off some paperwork. Since everyone’s eating at the diner tonight, I might wait to see you at home so I’m not tempted to distract you all the way out of a job.”
“Uhhhh.” I release a pitchy sound of disapproval before I can stop myself and get his rumbly laugh in response.
“Excuse me, Punk. Did you just whine at me?”
“Nope.”Yes.“Do what you need to do. If you’re too tired, I understand. I can see you tomorrow if that’s better for you,” I ramble, trying not to sound needy.
We talk several times a day, and he’s abundantly clear about my position in his life, but I’d be lying if I said the distance so soon after professing our feelings didn’t make me a little bit paranoid.
I can’t help but listen for changes in his tone and worry things might feel off when we see each other again. But he doesn’t need to know that.
My insecurities are ameproblem.
“That’s disappointing,” he teases. “I hoped you’d be so desperate to see me you’d demand I report to you immediately without any further delay.”
I fake a level of confidence I don’t actually possess. “I want you with me as soon as possible, but I’m not demanding. I’m sure you’ve had enough of that in your life. You’re probably exhausted.” I’m trying to sound patient, not indifferent.
I’m definitely not indifferent. I’m dying to see him.
“Lu.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you haveanyidea how much I miss you?” His voice is insistent and heated. I want to curl up and take a nap in it.
“I—I miss you too.” Gah, that sounded awkward. Why is this so hard for me? He’s safe. He’s always been safe. He’s not going to pull a reverse on me.
“Most of the time I absorb what I hear in class and tests are easy for me, but I’ve actually had to study.”
I chuckle at his humblebrag. “You poor thing. I hate that for you.”
“Punk.” He laughs at my familiar sarcasm. “It’s your fault I can’t pay attention. I keep zoning out, scrolling through pictures, looking at messages.”
“Sorry. I’ve tried not to bother you during class, even though I want to.” It’s torture, but I wait to hear from him first so I don’t interrupt anything.
“No, baby, I don’t think you get it.” His voice softens. “All day I think, what if I drove straight home? I could leave by five and have you in my arms by ten. I could steal kisses and feel your fingers in my hair for approximately six hours and still make it back to the morning session by eight.”
“Wow. That’s a lot of math,” I breathe.
“I’m so distracted, Lu. Every train of thought gets completely hijacked. I want to kiss the curve of your neck where it smells like peaches, and feel you shiver when I squeeze your hip, and say I love you against your ear. There’s a constant, painful anticipation. I’ve never ached like this, Lucy. It’s relentless. But I’m thankful for every second of your beautiful torture.”
I let out a squeak and sniff. “Hang on. I have to stop.”
The Fresh Mart parking lot is the first place I find to pull over.
“Lu? Are you okay?”
“No! Jude, you can’t say things like that to me while I’m driving.” I’ve tried to keep my emotions in check, because if I tell him I want to quit my job so I can stay in his room and sniff his pillow while reading sappy romance all day, I’m pretty sure he’d run away screaming.
“Are you parked now?” he asks gently.
“Mm-hmm.” I sniff and laugh at the same time. “I miss you so much. If you had to come home midweek for work or family or just any reason, I’d meet you anywhere, even for a minute. But I’d neveraskyou to drive all the way home for a few hours just for me. I’d worry you’d fall asleep at the wheel or be too tiredto study.” I stop fighting it and let the tears fall. “And I can’t stop thinking if I expect too much, you’ll resent me.” I take a breath and let out my biggest fear in a whisper. “I can’t risk losing you.”
