I don’t.
Maybe I had some repressed childhood need to fight back and win, but there was no prize.
“Mom, did you ever consider leaving Dad before he cheated?”
“I couldn’t, financially. Four kids require a lot of clothes and basic daily supplies that can’t be packed up and relocated without a lot of planning. There was nowhere to go, and my income was often tied to his since we worked together.”
“Okay, but if money wasn’t an issue, would you have left, or did you feel obligated to stay?”
“Luce, to be honest, I never had a family growing up, so chances are, I would’ve kept trying to make it work. I’m not saying it’s the right answer, but it’s the honest one.”
“I have to break up with Nathan. I mean, Idid, but he needs to know I’m not just mad. I’m done.” It’s such a relief to say the words. “I feel so wrong, like I lied to him. I wanted to be patient and forgiving, but I can’t do this anymore.”
“I know that feeling,” Mom says. “But you’re not married. And even if you were, breaking up doesn’t mean you aren’t patient or forgiving. There are two people involved in that equation.”
“When he told me about the baby, I promised him I believe in working through challenges, and I meant it. But he’s angry and distant all the time. He blows up at his family and at me, and he’s crazy jealous but still ignores me. I can’t talk to him about my own life, and I can’t count on him. I don’t think the current circumstances are even the problem.”
“Do you still love him?”
“Mom, I haven’t said this to anyone. Not even to myself.”
“Well, spit it out. No one can hear you in here.”
I laugh. “I think I love someone else, and I feel like the lowest scum-sucking bottom-feeder. How could I dump Nathan while he struggles and go straight into a relationship with someone he was already suspicious of? I’m not a cheater. Mom! What is wrong with me?”
“Honey, you realize that I’m probably not the best person to get relationship advice from, right?”
“That did cross my mind.” Lying on my back, I muffle my laughter with my arm across my face.
“Brat.” She snickers. “I did everything in my power to make your dad happy. If he respected me at all and put the well-being of our family first, then I’m sure we could’ve overcome obstacles together. But he didn’t.”
“Hewasthe obstacle. I had to get away, Mom. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You were the catalyst. Nothing would’ve changed if you’d stayed.” She waits for me to think that over. “Did Nathan expect you to be his partner without being yours? Because that’s a position you don’t want. I promise.”
Bingo. Every interaction with Nathan was an obligation, an expectation that I’d back him up from the shadows, shrinking myself until I was completely invisible, but he still wasn’t happy.
Breaking free from Nathan should be easier than breaking free from Dad because I won’t have to do it alone. For the first time in weeks, I feel like the fog has lifted.
“Luce?”
“Yeah, Mom. I think you nailed it.”
“Awesome. Can we sleep now? Someone wanted gravy and biscuits in the morning.”
“I want it, but I’m not sure I can handle that meal before Sam’s gig.”
“Sam isn’t the guy though?” Mom says with slight concern.
“Abso-freaking-lutely not.”
“I didn’t think so.”
I’m not sure why I thought I’d sleep last night. The nonsense of the entire day played on repeat—the yelling, the brochure, the disgust, and the moment I officially kicked the squatter out of my life. No more overdrafts on my heart. Thanks to Jace for that concept. I get it now.
Nervous energy has already begun to pulsate through me. I like singing with Sam, but I prefer the other side of the stage, and I hate surprises. I want to be prepared. Obsessively so. It’s hard to believe no one knew about this gig.
I spent most of the night thinking about Jude and the tectonic shift between us. I’ve felt it for a while, but he’s almost acknowledging it. I think. I want to call Annie. She ribs me about how close we are, and I know she likes him because he’s our friend, but I still think she’s holding something back. I need to know what it is.
