The nurse put the files down on the desk and enfolded her in a hug, and despite her effort, a few of those tears escaped and rolled down her cheeks. “I wanted…I wanted so much to be here…and I was out of town…and I couldn’t get back in time. Gram must have thought I’d abandoned her.”
“No! No, Nessa, not at all. She knew how much you loved her. In fact she was thinking of you at the end. I was with her, darling. I held her hand. She didn’t die alone if that’s what has you worried.”
A wave of relief washed over her. “Thank you, Molly. Thank you so much. That means the world to me. Did she…did she ask for me?”
“No—well, not exactly. It was rather strange, but maybe you can make better sense of it than I can. Like I said, I was sitting by her bed, holding her hand because we knew she wouldn’t make it through the night. Her eyes closed, and I thought she had taken her last breath, but just as I started to pull my hand away, she squeezed it and her eyes opened—but she was looking at something far away—and she said ‘Oh Nessa dear, you’ve found him’. She smiled, the happiest smile you’ve ever seen, and then she was gone, just like that. It was so peaceful.”
Nessa’s heart skipped a beat. Did Gram mean she had found Bridei, or found Nathan? “How many days ago did she die?”
“Let’s see, it was Wednesday, so…six days ago now.”
Six days ago…Bridei. Oh Gram…I did find him, but now I’ve lost him again.
A woman returned with a bag containing Gram’s things, interrupting her thoughts, and she had to sign a release form and some other paperwork, including where to pick up the ashes. Then she turned back to Molly. “Thank you again.”
“You’re welcome, darling. You just take care of yourself, okay?”
“I will.”
Six days ago. If time ran parallel, six days ago she would have been with Bridei. Had Gram looked down on them and been happy for her? Tears streamed down her face as she drove home, making it hard to see the road. She could have told herself that she was crying for Gram, but she knew she was mourning someone else as well. A brave and handsome King that had made her feel more alive than she ever had before. One who had touched both her body and her soul, changing each forever in such a short time. Just how was she supposed to go on after that? How was she supposed to go back to her old, ordinary life when she knew exactly what it felt like to be held in his arms? And they had only just begun to know one another…
Thenextweeks passed so slowly Nessa that wondered if the earth was actually still turning, or just wobbling through space in an uneasy orbit like she was. After spreading Gram’s ashes in all of her favorite places, she had made a valiant effort to go back to the way things were. She had even spent two entire days weeding the now-out-of-control garden she had so lovingly planted. It had become somewhat of a wild jungle while she was away, with more leaves and vines than vegetables. And the sheep she had left grazing in the meadow were gone, either stolen or wandered away.
Nothing felt right, and to top it off, she and Nathan were quickly growing apart. Worse, he’d been spending time with an old college friend over the past few days, and she’d seen the budding looks that passed between them. She was already losing him, and it was all her fault. She couldn’t give him what he needed, because she was mourning someone else.Because she was in love with someone else.
She went to the old trunk, still filled to the brim with the history of a people long gone. Only now it was partly her history too. She found the book she was looking for—it was right on top where she’d left it. It felt like a lifetime ago now. She opened it to the sketch of Bridei mac Bili, running her finger carefully over the lines. No, whoever had drawn it hadn’t gotten it right at all. His cheekbones were higher than that, and his eyes a bit larger. In real life, they would have been snapping with anger or melting with passion. Or, once in a while, glittering with humor. Not too often though, because he always seemed to be carrying the world on his broad shoulders, or at least all the burdens of his people.
The tattoos were the same, sweeping across each cheek, and the artist had almost gotten his hair right, long and silky black and always blowing in the constant highland breeze. God, she missed him. Why had she ever left? She had realized the moment she had jumped into the well with Nathan that she didn’t really want to go, but only now could she admit to herself that she’d made a mistake. Maybe the biggest one of her life. Somehow, in a very short time, she had come to love Bridei with all of her heart, and it was quite likely that she always would.
How long could she go on like this? How long until Nathan got fed up and left her? She hadn’t let him near her since they’d returned three weeks ago, and though he’d so far accepted her pleas of shock and readjustment, she knew that no one possessed infinite patience.
Nate was a good man, and they had always been good together. It should have beengood enough. But she didn’t want good enough. She needed someone that she could get angry at and fight against and still fall into his arms and be safe. She wanted todrownin someone. She wanted Bridei.
And now there was something else to consider. Something she had only found out this morning. Something that would force her to finally tell Nathan the truth. She had asked him to come over after work, and she’d spent all afternoon making him his favorite dinner.
They ate in relative silence, the tension so thick Nessa felt like she could have lifted up her knife and cut through it at any time, like a corporal thing. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore, and put down her fork.
“Nate…there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
He put down his fork too, giving her a small, ironic smile. “Yeah Ness, I figured as much.”
“It’s about the time when I was…in the past. I need to tell you what happened there. I’m so sorry Nathan, I should have told you sooner…I should have told you right away, I was just…I don’t know, there’s no excuse really.”
Nathan sat back and folded his arms across his chest, looking at her expectantly. “Well, there’s no time like the present then, is there?” When she still didn’t say anything, he drew in a deep breath and let it out on a sigh. “Tell me. Please.”
Nessa swallowed and nodded, looking down at her fingers, which she was twisting on the table. She forced herself to stop. “While I was gone…well, I didn’t think I would ever make it back—not after Angus died, and I…I tried my best to move on from everything that happened. It was either start a new life there, or die. And I chose to start a new life.” She paused and took a deep breath. Nothing was going to make this any easier. She was going to hurt this gentle, patient man sitting in front of her. She shook her head, the tears already stinging the backs of her eyes.
"I found out yesterday that I’m pregnant, Nate. I’m pregnant.”
He leaned forward slowly, his face reflecting his shock. Then confusion. Then realization. He sat back in his chair again with a look of resignation. “You and I haven’t been together. Not in a long time.”
The stubborn tears gathered in her eyes, one spilling over and rolling slowly down her cheek. Why did this have to be so hard? “No. We haven’t”, she said quietly.
“I see.” He clenched his jaw, ran his hands through his hair, looking down at the floor for several long moments. “Who?”
He looked up at her, and she forced herself to meet his eyes. To see the pain there. Pain that she wanted to take away, but couldn’t. “Bridei.”
“Of course”, Nathan muttered ironically. “The King. Who else but the damnKing?”
