It was exactly right. Exactly whatBen needed to hear, and said in a way that let him really see what he was doing and how destructive it could be.
And that rightness—that fuckingperfection—made it all so much worse.
“Oh, you’re the hero?” Ben growled. “You’re the golden boy who cares about everybody else and just tries to make it all work out, andI’mthe asshole who wrecks it? Is that how you see things?”
“If you’re talkingabout fifteen years ago, then, no, I was the asshole. Everyone agrees on that. But if you’re talking about right now? Hey.” Liam stepped back and raised his hands in surrender. “If you’re so damn determined to wreck things? Okay, yeah. Right now,you’rethe asshole.”
“You push and push, and when I finally say ‘no’—”
“How the hell am I pushing? Iaskedif I could come to this, and you said fine.Yousaidyou were past it all and none of it mattered. You remember that conversation? You said you wouldn’t have had a right to say ‘no’ even if you wanted to. And the other night? You said it was all over. So what the hell’s your problem now?”
“Youknowwhat my problem is!”
Not only too loud this time—also too damn honest. Liam stared at him for a long moment, then took a half step forward.“If I know what the problem is, I know what the solution is too. Jesus, Ben, there are no guarantees in life. I can’t—I can’t promise that everything will be perfect forever. But I really think we’re worth taking a chance on. Don’t you? You said the other night that this was over, but if it really was, it wouldn’t be an issue for you to see me.”
Ben stepped closer too, and his voice came outlow and growly. “It wasdonefifteen damn years ago when you fucked—I was going to say when you fucked your Art History TA, but really I guess it was over when you fuckedhalf the campus.”
“So I guess Idon’tknow what your problem is.” Liam’s gaze was still steady and level, too intense to be anything but intimate. “And I’m not really sure whatmyproblem is, either, except—” He looked away,then back. “Except I miss you. I can’t really understand what’s wrong with my life in general, but the one thing that’s totally clear to me is thatyou’re not with me, and you should be. That’s—”
“Excuse me,” Kevin said, his voice almost trembling as he rose to his feet. “This is outrageous. Ben has made his feelings on this mattercrystal clear. It’s unfortunate that you’re struggling with somethingin your life, but to impose onBenthis way, to make him feel as if it’s somehow his fault or his problem?”
He stepped between Ben and Liam, and it was as if he broke a vacuum seal, neutralized a magnetic bond—didsomethingthat brought Ben back to reality, back to Uncle Calvin’s backyard with half the town staring at him as he listened to ravings—absolutely surreallunacy—from Liam.
“It’s beenfifteen years,” Ben said. “It’s over.” It had to be over.
“And there’s absolutely nothing left?” Liam said it wistfully, almost sweetly, but there was something else, something extra that Ben couldn’t quite figure out.
Still, he knew the answer he needed to give. “There’s nothing left,” he said firmly.
And Liam was ready. “So there’s no problem with us doing the final event, right? No reasonyou can’t play one more stupid game in order to make your uncle happy?” He glanced dismissively at Kevin. “Your date seems to have recovered from his horrible injury, and I think he’s still got about half a can of ginger ale he could be drinking while he waits for us to play. So what’s holding you up? Let’s go.”
A dare. That’s what it was. Sure, Ben and Liam had turned into something else, butat the heart of their relationship they’d always been friends. The two of them and Seth, endless summer days, almost-as-endless winter adventures after school or on weekends—they’d been kids together. And the inability to walk away from a dare was a bone-deep instinct in any kid.
And there was a part of Ben, a sweet, adventurous,joyfulpart of him that wanted to respond the same way now. Ofcourse he’d take the dare, and play one final game, and spend more time with Liam. And his resistance was already so weak, his self-control so challenged, that a bit more time was all it would take before he crumbled. Kevin was nothing, Liam was everything; Ben would take Liam home, or hell, maybe just upstairs, and they’d be together in the way they alwaysshouldbe together, and it would beperfect and golden and glowing.
But not permanent. Liam would leave, and Ben would be left behind, empty and alone. And he just wasn’t strong enough for that to happen again.
“I’m leaving,” he said quietly. Kevin immediately put his arm around Ben as if offering support, and Ben resisted the urge to tear himself free. “I’m done.”
He knew they still had an audience, and he forced a smile ontohis face for the benefit of the crowd. “We need to get some ice for Kevin,” he announced. “He’ll be fine, but there’s no point messing around.”
And Kevin supportively added a bit of a limp to his step, although Ben was pretty sure he was favoring the wrong leg.
“You guys are made for each other,” Liam said as Ben made his way past. “You’re both quitters.”
The words rose to Ben’s lips, the accusationsand rebuttals. Maybe Kevin and Ben were quitters, but at least they weren’tcheaters. Except for the unfortunate ginger ale incident. And remembering that was enough to keep Ben’s mouth shut.
He made his apologies to Calvin, trying not to wonder if the disappointment in the old man’s face was solely because the playoff game was cancelled, and threw the jauntiest wave he could manage in Seth andDinah’s direction. They waved back, Dinah making a face of slightly overdone sympathy in Kevin’s direction.
They were halfway down the front walk when Ben heard a cheer from the backyard. “They gave Liam the trophy,” he said.
“Liam,” Kevin said. “He’s—well.” They walked a few more steps; Kevin wasn’t even trying to limp anymore. He stopped at the sidewalk and turned to Ben. “I’m going home.”
“Oh. Okay. Is your ankle hurting?”
“No. But—I need to take some time. By myself.” He paused, maybe a bit more dramatically than necessary. “To think about whether it makes sense to continue this relationship.”
Oh.
