Kevin wouldn’tkeepBen up even after they’d parted, fretting and freezing, sitting out on the damn porch without a jacket or a blanket, trying to figure out how to feel about whatever the hell was going on. No, Kevin wouldn’t pull that shit.
Kevin wouldn’t have some weirdass crisis overhis parents’ divorce—Kevin’s parents were already divorced, so that was handy—and start digging into old relationships that should have stayed buried. Kevin wouldn’t hang out with Uncle Calvin—well, sure he would, but not without Ben! He wouldn’t sneak around like that.
Kevin wouldn’t cheat.
He wouldn’t leave Ben with a gaping, aching hole in his chest that couldn’t be filled with all the alcoholand casual sex and deep breathing in the whole damn world. Kevin wouldn’t do that.
Liam was the past, Kevin was the future. Or someone else, someone Kevinesque. Kevin was a symbol, not necessarily a man.
No, asshole, he’s a man. With feelings and worries of his own. You can’t drag him through all this if you don’t have a positive attitude.
Right. Okay. Yeah. Ben needed to make sure he was beinghonest with Kevin about all this. But he had absolutely no idea what being honest would look like.
The cold eventually drove him in from the porch, and he curled up in bed and dozed for at least a couple hours. A massive coffee injection got him as far as midday at work, but by early afternoon he found himself staring at the children in a sort of daze, not really hearing anything they said, andnot really caring either.
Unacceptable. He had a sacred responsibility to be at his best for his students, and he had not met his obligation. Not by a long shot. More coffee in the staff room, a vague semblance of attention for the rest of the day, and then home. He probably wouldn’t have evennoticedif he’d sideswiped another police car as he drove through town, but there were no flashing lightsbehind him as he pulled up at the house, so that had to count for something.
He stumbled inside and into bed. He’d take a short nap and be up and ready to go. No problem.
Except the next time he opened his eyes the light was different, the sun almost down, and there was a noise somewhere. Oh. There was someone knocking at the front door. Liam? Come back?
Oh, shit. Not Liam. It was likelyKevin. Because Ben had called him, and crawled a little, and suggested they get together, and Kevin had actually agreed to give it a try.
Ben fumbled for his phone, but it wasn’t in his pocket. A moment of panic, but he’d probably just left it in the car. Or at school. Or possibly he’d tossed it in the trash at some point and put a piece of garbage in his pocket, but he’d treat that as the worst-casescenario.
He rolled to his feet and stumbled to the front door. And there Kevin was on the porch, looking sweet and cute and stable. And a little concerned.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “You weren’t at the restaurant, and I tried to call but you didn’t answer.”
“Jesus, what time is it? How—I’m sorry. I—”I stayed up all last night worrying about a guy and then fucking him and then worrying somemore. No, that probably wasn’t the way to go. “I have no idea what’s going on. I’m just really tired.”
Kevin took a half step back. “Are you coming down with something? I just—I have a really busy week. I can’t really catch anything right now.”
Well, that was an easy out. But, damn it, Ben wasn’t supposed to be looking for outs. Hewantedthis. “No, I don’t think I’m getting sick. I just didn’tsleep well last night.” For reasons that did not need to be discussed. “How late am I? I don’t know where my phone is, and I don’t have any clocks.”
“It’s almost six thirty. With some people, I wouldn’t have worried, but you’re not someone who leaves people waiting. Not usually.”
Right.You’re notusuallyan asshole.“Sorry. I, uh—what do you want to do? If you give me five minutes I can getorganized and we can go back down to the inn.” It wasn’t like they needed reservations, not on a Monday night this early in the season. “Or I can cook for us here. Or if you want to call it off, I totally understand.”But I donothope for that result. No, I donot.
“No, I don’t want to call it off. I—sure. I can wait five minutes. We can go downtown and start again.”
Start again. Yeah. Thatwas what this night was about. “Great,” Ben said. “Thanks. And sorry again. I—this was a one-time thing, I promise.”
“No problem. Okay if I sit out here while I’m waiting? I missed this porch.”
He missed the porch? Strange, but— “Sure, yeah.”
Ben hustled to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, brushed his teeth, and looked at himself in the mirror. Kevin. Yay, Kevin!
No butterflies.It wouldn’t have mattered if Kevin had turned around and walked away for good—Ben would have just come back inside, done some grading, and gotten a good night’s sleep.
That was a positive. He was being Zen about this; he was calm and had himself under control. He was a pebble in the stream, or a leaf on the wind, or—whatever. He was good.
And he stayed that way all evening. His cellwasin thecar, so that was easy. They had a nice dinner at the Welland Arms, getting caught up on what each of them had been up to, with a few strategic exclusions on Ben’s part. And, hell, maybe on Kevin’s part too. That was fine; it was none of Ben’s business. Then Kevin drove them back to Ben’s porch and, after satisfying himself that Ben was absolutely not coming down with something, there was a good-nightkiss. A nice kiss, one that Ben knew from experience could turn into nice sex. But neither of them pushed for that.
“We’re going to do better this time,” Kevin said. “We won’t panic, won’t run away from things.”
Well, that was fucking patronizing, considering that it had beenBenwho’d “panicked” and “run away” the last time. But he just smiled. He didn’t say,We won’t push for more than theother person wants to give this time, because there was no point to it. They were looking forward, not back.
Another sweet kiss before Ben went inside and closed the door firmly behind him. He checked his cell to be sure there hadn’t been any messages, and he got ready for bed.
And as he lay there in the dark, he forced himself to think about Kevin. Or his students, or Seth and Dinah and thenew baby, or the situation in the Middle East—he could think about almost anything, really. Just not about Liam. Liam was the past. Liam was gone.
He turned it into a sort of chant.Let go of the past, embrace the future. Let go of the past, embrace the future.It wasn’t perfect, but it was boring enough that he eventually drifted off. And where his dreams took him? Well, he couldn’t be heldresponsible for his damn dreams.
