I flinched like he’d hit me.
Lewis winced. “I didn’t mean it like … I didn’t mean you. I’d love for you to come with me.”
His words to Fyfe rang through my head. They’d been ringing in my head for two days. “I don’t want to leave Ardnoch. Everything and everyone I care about is here. The thought of leaving them, missing out on their lives, scares me.Because I know how easily people go away. A lesson I thought you’d learned too.”
“Callie—”
“‘I’m not sure in the way she’s sure that that’s our future. Together.’ That’s what you said to Fyfe.”
“I was just thinking out loud. It didn’t mean anything.”
“What about the weeks you spent pushing me away? I’ve felt rejected all this time. I’ve felt like I was losing you for months. Do you know how painful that has been? And I was, wasn’t I? Losing you. The last few weeks of you being more present were merely you trying harder because you felt bad about the truth. So it does mean something. It means a lot to me.” Tears blurred my vision and frustration thickened my throat because I wanted to be calm and adult through this. I didn’t want to fall apart. “You know, you’re right. I was a hundred percent certain of our future together. That I wantedyouforever. Not once, notonce, have I ever contemplated wanting anyone else. And I thought that’s how you felt about me.” My tears slipped free. “But it’s not. You’re not certain, are you?”
Renewed panic etched Lewis’s features as he moved toward me. This time he didn’t stop, even as I waved him off. He took me by the biceps, bending his head to mine. “It was just a thought, Callie. A stupid sliver of uncertainty. But it didn’t mean anything. I might not be certain that I want to go to Inverness, but I’m certain of you. Of course, I am. I don’t want to lose you.” His grip turned almost bruising. “Please.”
I shook my head, the tears falling fast and free. “I don’t believe you. You kept UCL from me. You kept everything you’ve really been feeling and thinking from me. Maybe if you’d just been fucking honest, Lewis!” I shoved out of his grasp, stumbling away. “Instead I overhear you telling someone else all the things you should have told me. Making a fool out of me! Pushing me away, flirtingwith other girls. How many other people know about this, Lewis? Only Fyfe? Or your family, our friends? Have you humiliated me?”
“No.” He shook his head, his expression distraught, eyes shimmering with tears. “Callie, I’m sorry. It was only Fyfe. But I won’t ever do that again. I promise.”
“It’s too late!” I cried, throwing my arms up as the last word came out on a sob. “I can’t keep you here when I know it’s not what you want. And the whole time you’re in London, I’ll be thinking about those words you said to Fyfe, about you and me, and I’ll constantly be worrying ‘Has he met someone else?’ ‘Has he found someone heissure he wants to spend the rest of his life with?’ Or maybe you’re bored and want to fuck other girls, which is even worse!”
“No,” he repeated, stumbling toward me, eyes wide and frantic. “Callie, I didn’t mean it like that. That will never happen.”
“I don’t believe you!” I shrieked.
Lewis halted, staring at me in crushing disbelief. “Are … are you breaking up with me?”
I sobbed, pulling the sleeves of my shirt over my hands before wrapping my arms around my stomach as if to hold in this violent emotion that was shuddering to break free. “I … I’d always be unsure of you now.” I swiped at the tears as they kept falling. “And I won’t be the person who stands in the way of what you want.”
“I want you!” he yelled, his own tears brimming over. “I want you. I love you.”
We stared at each other in abject grief as we cried together in the woods. Seconds felt like minutes as time suspended.
Until finally I could speak. “I think you want something more and you’re too afraid to admit it to me. And I want someone who wants to be here with me. You can’t, hand on heart, say that, Lewis.”
“I can,” he pleaded again. “I can. Don’t …”
I knew we could stand here for hours going around in circles, but the truth was, two days ago I had utter faith and belief in his love for me. And all it took was a few weeks of uncertainty and a few words to tear enough holes in that belief to make it impossible to hold on to. I let the cold sharpness of reality settle in as I swiped the tears from my face.
Voice brittle but calm, I stared him directly in the eyes. “We’re over, Lewis. Go to London.”
“You don’t mean that,” he whispered.
“I always mean what I say,” I said pointedly. “Ialways know my own mind. And it’s made up. We can’t go back. I won’t go back. You want something more beyond Ardnoch. I want something more from the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Here.”
“I can’t believe this is happening.” Lewis wiped his nose, suddenly looking like a lost wee boy. “I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me. After everything we’ve been through, and you’re throwing me away like this?”
“I can’t see any other way.”
Anger darkened his expression. “Well, fuck you, Callie. Fuck you for giving up at the first fucking speed bump.” He marched past me, bristling with rage. “Enjoy your sad fucking life in Ardnoch.”
Renewed pain sliced through me, but I waited until I could no longer hear his footsteps before I let myself burst into tears again.
Nine
LEWIS
PRESENT DAY
