“Fyfe—”
“I know you love her. Callie is lovable. But … this is your life we’re talking about. One day you might wake up and resent her for keeping you here. That’s not fair toher, man.”
“I don’t know.” His voice was thick with emotion. “The thought of hurting her fucking kills me … That night at your party made me feel like shit. Knowing I’d hurt her. Anytime I think about it, it eats me up.”
“But?”
“We’re eighteen. It has to cross her mind, too, that maybe … realistically … There’s no guarantee that who we’ll be in ten years will be someone that either of us still wants to be with.”
I covered my mouth to muffle a sob. This couldn’t be Lewis who was saying these things. NotmyLewis.
“I mean, people grow up, people change. Right?”
“Right,” Fyfe agreed. “You’ve only ever been with Callie. Maybe you need to experience other things, other places … even other girls.”
“I don’t know. I love her. I do love her.”
“Just admit it out loud, Lew. It’s only us here. Who am I going to tell?”
There was a moment of silence in which my heart ached.
“Callie says she’s one hundred percent certain that our future is together. She’s got it all figured out. Ibecome an architect at Dad’s firm, she runs the bakery with her mum, we get married, we have kids, and they grow up here in Ardnoch … That scares the fuck out of me. Like, how can she be so certain that that’s what our future should be? Doesn’t she want to go out into the world and see and experience it? I’m … I’m not sure in the way she’s sure thatthat’sour future. Together.” I heard his shaky exhale as the fissures in my heart turned into a giant crack. “Fuck. I don’t know what to do. The thought of losing her scares the shit out of me. Maybe that means I am sure.”
“You wouldn’t be having these thoughts if you were sure. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re meant to be with them.”
The pain in my chest was almost unbearable, and I could feel the sob welling up inside me. I didn’t want him to see me break down. I didn’t want to give him that. Instead, I slunk out of the house as quietly as possible. There was woodland not far from my parents’ bungalow, behind Lewis’s Aunt Arro’s and Uncle Mac’s house.
I hurried through the streets toward the woods, and I kept walking into them until there was no one else around.
Then my knees gave out and I fell to the forest floor, finally releasing the pain cracking my chest in half in hard, wracking sobs.
I lay on the ground until the soil beneath the bracken and leaves started to chill my bones. Then I scolded myself for falling apart and I pushed to my feet.
I would be stronger than this.
To survive, I needed to take control of the situation.
There could be no doubt between us.
I couldn’t live like that.
Whether it was right or wrong, I needed absolute certainty.I needed to know I was loved beyond any measure of doubt.
Back at home, I numbly asked Mum that if Lewis called, she should tell him I wasn’t feeling well. For the next few days, I avoided him until I finally felt ready to face him. Mum was so worried, but I couldn’t even voice what I’d overheard Lewis confess. After switching off my phone to avoid his calls, I turned it on the day I’d decided to confront him and found so many missed calls and texts from him, my resolve wavered.
You ok? Your mum says you’re sick? Do you need anything?
I love you. Feel better.
How are you feelin this morning?
Hey, you feeling any better? Your mum says you’re still in bed.
Cal, you there? I’m worried.
Seriously, txt me back.
This isn’t like you. Pls call me.
