This was a mistake and I had to get out of here. I stepped back from the fence and headed for the exit. A few friends called out to me, but I just waved and kept going all the way to the parking lot where I got in my truck.
I didn’t start the engine. Instead, I tossed my hat on the seat next to me and rested my hands on the steering wheel. Taking in a deep breath, I finally let myself face what was going on in my head—let myself hear what my heart was screaming. It wasn’t enough anymore to work hard, have fun with my buddies, travel across the US, take risks, and win. It most definitely wasn’t enough to be a correspondent for some network and rest on my laurels.
For the first time in my life, I wanted to put down roots. I wanted to create a solid foundation and build something bigger than myself. And I wanted to do it with Amy and Henry at my side. I wanted Rafael and the brothers I’d just found in my life, too. Even Laura, although we would need to talk about things first and clear the air.
“Dammit,” I said as those thoughts rolled through me. Could I do it? Could I stay in Poplar Springs, put in the work and the time to have those relationships? I’d failed at small town living before. Yet when I thought about it now, I realized that the problem hadn’t really been about staying in one place. It had been about feeling forced to give up the things I loved most in my life for a boring, unfulfilling job and a place where I didn’t have connections to others, aside from my girlfriend. My relationship with Angie hadn’t been built to last, and when it had fallen apart, there had been nothing there that I’d regretted leaving behind.
Now, though, the rodeo wasn’t the thing I loved the most in my life. Amy was. And there were others in Poplar Springs for me to love aside from Amy, although God knew she would be enough. I couldalso see a future for myself there. A career that would bring me joy and fulfillment. I could see it all so clearly…with Amy right there at my side.
But Jake said that I’d broken her heart. My fingers gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. I felt a moment of utter defeat as though I’d been bucked from a bronc after two seconds. That humiliation had happened to me in the past, and each time I’d dusted off my clothes and focused on the next event, the next prize to win.
Could I win Amy’s heart again if I tried? That was going to take more than collecting my hat from the dusty arena floor. I’d need a plan, a strategy to convince her that I was serious about her, about staying in Poplar Springs and making a life together. I started the engine and pulled away from the rodeo. I was scheduled for another interview later, but I didn’t give a damn. All I could think of was returning to where I’d left my heart.
THIRTY-ONE
AMY
“Thanks for seeing me on such short notice,” I said when the receptionist ushered me into Joy Hendricks’s office. I had gone to the grief counselor the year after Luke’s death and had thought I’d never need to return. How wrong I’d been about that.
“I’m happy to be here whenever you need to talk,” Joy said and gestured to two plush armchairs near a window where I had sat before when I’d come. “Some tea?”
I shook my head as I settled into the chair, suddenly finding myself unable to speak. I knew that Joy would give me as much time as I needed. Joy didn’t pressure. She waited until the patient was ready to talk. I thought I had been ready. I’d even planned what I would say on the drive over, but when the moment came, the words all escaped me.
So I looked at my hands. I’d stopped wearing my wedding band recently. I knew Laura had noticed, but she’d never said anything. Removing the ring had been symbolic for me. I’d stashed it in my jewelry box and closed the lid quickly after the first time I’d slept with Cal. Unconsciously, I rubbed the small callus at the base of my third finger.
“I started having the dream again,” I said eventually. “You know, the one that someone I love dies in a car accident just like the one that took Luke and Marshall.” In the months following their deaths, I had the dream often, but it was always Luke who died. Then it had evolved into other people. Laura, Henry, my mother, Brian, and Jake. I’d talked about all of that with Joy. With time, the dream faded into a rare occurrence, but three nights in a row now, it had been back in vivid detail. “The person who dies is Cal Pierce. He’s new in my life. I’ve only known him for a few weeks, but I fell in love with him. Does that sound crazy?”
“Many people fall in love in a short amount of time,” Joy said calmly. “It’s not unusual or crazy.”
“Anyway, I have the dream and it’s so intense that I wake up sweating and terrified. I want to call Cal, even if it’s in the middle of the night, but I can’t.” I had had the phone in my hand the previous night and was searching for Cal’s number when I’d stopped myself.
“Why can’t you call him?” Joy asked.
“We broke up. I mean, it sounds silly because we only dated for a short time, but it’s over and I can’t reach out to him,” I said. My greatest fear was that something bad would happen to Cal, and I’d be powerless to help him. It was bad enough losing him from my life. If he were hurt or killed…
“Love is love,” the therapist said. “It doesn’t stop just because two people aren’t together anymore.”
That was the entire problem—the love between us. It was big and deep and all-consuming, but not in the same way that my love for Luke had been. That had consumed me for a short time, like a firecracker with a short fuse. Once it blew, I’d been forced to realize how little we actually shared.
My love for Cal was a long-burning flame that, if given the chance, would last through eternity. What I felt for Cal was unconditional, and I didn’t know how to get over an unconditional love. Laura had insisted that I would find someone else, but I knew that couldn’t be true.
“Lost love is a different kind of grief,” I said. “How can I get over it? That’s why I came today. I’m hoping you can tell me what to do.”
“Let me ask this. Are you sure that getting over these feelings is the only option?” Joy continued before I could speak. “It’s been my experience that when love means this much to someone, they don’t really want to get over it. They want to find a way to make it work. Ask yourself this: Is there no way forward for you and Cal?”
I sat back in the chair and turned my gaze toward the window. The sky was bright blue and beautiful. I focused on that and thought about me and Cal. I’d told him I couldn’t travel with him, and he’d told me he couldn’t stay. It had seemed a complete impasse. Was it?
“He wants me to leave home and go on the rodeo circuit with him,” I said. “He’ll be a commentator for the upcoming season. I don’t want to live like that. I like being here, and I want Henry to grow up with a connection to the ranch.”
“Is a long-distance relationship out of the question?” Joy asked. “Or maybe something halfway in between? What about living here during the off season and on the road part of the year? Even traveling with him in the summer when Henry doesn’t have school might work.”
“I hadn’t thought of all that,” I said, feeling a little bewildered. Cal had suggested a six-month trial, but I had immediately shot it down without considering it.
“They’re just possibilities. I’m sure you can think of others. Compromises can be made if you’re both willing.” Joy leaned a little closer. “Iguess the real question is, do you want to make it work with Cal? If you do, you’ll see a way around the obstacles together.”
Why hadn’t I considered that there might be another option? Why had it been all or nothing in my mind?Because of Luke,I realized. Life had been all or nothing with Luke. He’d bulldozed over me often enough to convince me that there was no such thing as compromise in a relationship. He wasn’t mean or vindictive about it. He had been the golden boy for so long that he expected everything to go his way. Our marriage had been no different.
But did it have to be that way with Cal? For all the two men looked alike, their personalities were vastly dissimilar. For one, I had plenty of proof that Cal knew how to compromise, to look at something from a different perspective. When we decided to officially date and I’d been worried about what others would think, he’d immediately suggested that we’d keep it private, and we had. And when we’d gotten into that argument about him allowing Henry to ride his pony, Cal had apologized for overstepping his boundaries instead of assuminghewas the one owed an apology. Luke would never have admitted to being wrong.
