He looked at her. The gap between them was there, but now it was as though a delicate thread had formed, connecting them, like the tentative start of a spider’s web that had the potential to get stronger. At least that’s what she hoped.
‘I missed story time too, Maya. But after your mother died, there was an underlying exhaustion with me that took a long time to overcome. And there was the guilt.’
‘Guilt?’
‘I blamed myself for a long time that I didn’t insist your mum go to the doctor, that I’d missed the signs because I was too busy with my work.’
‘I blamed myself too.’
‘But you were a kid.’ He seemed shocked at her admission. ‘It was up to me.’
Maya remembered her mother, so strong, always putting the rest of them first. ‘She never would’ve stood for the sympathy, you know. Neither of us could’ve made her go and get checked even if we’d tried.’
‘I still blamed myself. It took a long time for me to see it was an accident, what happened.’
‘It was.’
‘It still hits me some days and I wonder whether my depression will return.’
‘Is that likely?’
‘I’ve no idea. I hope not. I think talking to you now might help.’
‘I never realised you felt that way, you know. I saw you as strong, unbreakable.’
‘I kept it well hidden.’
‘I wish you hadn’t.’
‘Me too now, believe me.’ He hesitated before he said, ‘You say you wanted a good marriage with Conrad and didn’t get it.’ Their conversation kept getting broken as other things crept in. There was so much to say to each other after all this time.
‘I don’t think talking about Conrad and me will achieve anything right now, Dad.’
‘It still worries me.’
‘We’re divorced.’
‘I know but you and he are very much still in each other’s lives.’ He waited a beat to give her a chance to deny it, but of course she couldn’t. ‘Do you want to get back together?’
‘Definitely not.’
‘Were you ever happy with him?’
She sighed. ‘For a while, yes. But it took me years to really know myself, to find my way.’ She spotted Noah leaving the airbase, head down, not looking her way.
‘Dad, can we carry on talking about Conrad another time? There’s a lot I have to say and I will, I promise. But right now, I need something else.’ To move forwards, they needed to carry this on, to talk more, to allow each other the time to explain and understand.
But first, she had to ask a favour. A big one. And she was going to have to break Noah’s confidence to do it.
She only hoped she and her dad were in a good enough place for her dad to hear her out properly.
30
Ever since Conrad’s visit, Noah had been trying to get his head around what Maya’s ex-husband had said to him. He hadn’t let him see what was inside the sodding brown file. Conrad had treated it much like a ball in the playground where he was the bully holding it out of reach of anyone smaller than he was.
What Conrad had done was made it be known that he was never going to give Noah the ammunition to get rid of Paul if Noah didn’t agree to stay away from Maya.
Noah had tossed and turned all night. Not seeing Maya again unless it was in a professional capacity wasn’t what he wanted at all, but what choice did he have? He’d been unfriendly, unapproachable at work and it had hurt him to be that way with Maya when all he wanted to do was confide in her, warn her that Conrad was never going to let her go. But how could he? He had to put Eva first. She was his priority now. He owed it to her and to Cassie to do everything in his power to build a life for the little girl who’d already lost so much. And if this went to court then Paul might still win. It was a risk Noah was unwilling to take.
