Maya’s bottom lip trembled. ‘The night I left home was horrible.’
‘I’ll never forget it either.’
‘We argued,’ she said. ‘The way I spoke to you was awful. I’m sorry.’
‘We both said things that night; it went round and round in my head for months afterwards, how I could’ve handled it differently.’
‘Me too.’
His voice faltered. ‘I could feel you slipping away long before that night. It had been happening ever since you lost your mother. I could never replace her and then you lost your grandparents and I couldn’t bring them back either. I so desperately wanted to have you in a job that kept your two feet on the ground, not up in the air where there’s danger, where there’s risk.’
He got up from the wall they were sitting on, faced away from her and walked a few paces away and she knew he was crying when he said, ‘I couldn’t lose you, not my Maya.’
‘Dad…’
‘The thought of something happening to you or to Julie kept me awake night after night. And it was worse when you began your training, when I knew you were up in the air. My worries escalated all the more when you got your first job. I wanted so desperately to tell you how proud I was that you’d followed your dreams, but my fears wouldn’t allow it. They consumed me. I couldn’t lose another one of my family.’
He turned to face her. ‘You want to know the crazy thing? I protected you from my worry of risk and death by not saying aword about it to you and what did you go and do? Not only did you become a pilot; you got a job with the air ambulance, where you see injuries, accidents, loss of life or close calls every single day.’
His turmoil turned to fondness. ‘You were obsessed with helicopters from such a young age. Do you remember how we painted the model helicopter and you got so annoyed that I wasn’t as careful with my paint as you were? You insisted you did most of it.’
She laughed. ‘I remember. And I still have that helicopter.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Of course. It brings back happy memories.’
‘Despite my painting skills or lack thereof,’ he smiled. ‘I should’ve known I was never going to be able to persuade you to do anything else with your life. Your darling mother was always about supporting your dreams and never taking them away. I could hear her voice in my head the whole time, “Our Maya,” she’d say, “our Maya with her dreams and passions, she’ll keep us on our toes.” Julie was little, we had no idea what her passions would be, but you were so set on the idea of becoming a pilot.’
He took a deep breath. ‘Another reason I didn’t tell you I feared the risk involved with becoming a pilot was because I didn’t want to reference dying. I thought my girls have lost their mother, their grandparents, I couldn’t make you fear stepping out of the front door in case something might happen. I couldn’t let my own fears become yours, no matter how much I wanted to sometimes.’
She let his revelations settle.
Eventually, with thoughts of her mother never far from her mind when she was in her father’s company, she said, ‘You and Mum were good parents and you had a great marriage.’
‘That we did,’ he smiled.
‘I always aspired to that someday, you know – shame I never had it with Conrad. I started talking to Julie about you as she got a little older. I’d tell her things about you both so she could build a picture in her mind of how our parents were.’
He looked across at her. ‘I’d hear you both sometimes. Some days, I enjoyed listening; other days, I’d close the door and detach myself because it was so painful to not have Anya around any longer. I wanted so much for her to see the beautiful young women you were turning out to be even from that really young age. I hated that she missed so much.’
‘Me too, Dad. Me too.’ She smiled. ‘I remember you’d come home from work and Mum would always rush to the door and give you an enormous hug and make you a nightcap if you’d come home really late. I can still remember the look on your face, every time you came home; you were where you were meant to be. You know, I think Julie will be like Mum as a mother.’
‘Your sister is much like Anya. Anya never wanted to work outside the home once she had her babies. She wanted to be at home with you both, do everything with you. She lost interest in having a career for herself and it worked for us. You, on the other hand, are more like me than I think you’d ever admit.’
‘In what way?’
‘Your passion, your drive, your determination. It served me well in my career and while we don’t do the same thing, I think it’s probably what helps you in yours.’
She told him about the job they’d been called out to the other day when she’d had to land on a roundabout, a risky landing but the only option to get close to the accident location. Her faith that it would work and her calm determination stopped the entire crew from freaking out; it led to a safe landing and take-off, getting the patient the prompt help they needed.
‘I’m in awe, Maya. My girl, flying a helicopter, landing on a roundabout with traffic everywhere.’ He shook his head as if to let the image settle into his psyche as a proud smile emerged.
Maya moved back to talking about her mother. She felt she needed to. ‘After Mum died, you never looked the same when you came home from work.’
Nigel’s mood shifted as well. ‘No, I don’t suppose I did.’
‘You looked frazzled whenever you came through the door, you didn’t smile as much, you didn’t even read stories to me the way you once had. You read but we didn’t do the funny voices; you were so strung out. And then I ended up reading for myself anyway so I lost that part of what we had.’
