Noah opened up another one and between laughs and emotional tugs, he read correspondence about the time Cassie had gone to Glastonbury and was the only one of her friends who had worn wellies for the mud; he read about Cassie’s first day at her job and how nervous she was; he read the letter from his mum that talked about her frustration when she sprained her ankle and couldn’t do her garden for over a week; the letter in which his mum shared a new recipe for an apple and cinnamon loaf.
Noah should’ve done this sooner. It made him feel closer to Cassie, closer to their mum. It was oddly cathartic.
At the bottom of the box was a photo album and he flipped through it after he’d passed the bigger teddy bear to Eva when she got fed up with the Victorian one and didn’t seem willing to bum shuffle her way over to get the other.
In the album were pictures of him and Cassie, the night they’d gone to a dress-up party in bubble wrap – he couldn’t remember who had the crazy idea, but he’d fashioned a bubble wrap hat and tie and Cassie had a skirt somehow coloured in bright pink. There were photographs of Cassie’s holiday to Greece with friends. She looked so happy, so full of life. There was one of her and her best friend Justine, their cheeks pressed together as they smiled into the camera lens, their grins demonstrative of the strong bond they’d always had. Justine had been devasted at the funeral, barely able to deliver her eulogy, and she’d come to talk to Noah at the wake, something he appreciated given her own grief was so raw.
As he put the album back and lifted the box into his arms to put it away again, he remembered what Justine had said to him that day: ‘You’ll be a far better father to Eva. She’s lucky to have you; it’s what Cassie wanted.’
At the time, he’d not really registered the exact phrasing, or perhaps he had but his own interpretation was that his sister had wanted him to be Eva’s guardian should anything happen to her and he’d be a good enough choice. He hadn’t thought anything other than that. But now, as those words came back to him, he wondered whether Justine might know more about Paul than he did, whether Cassie had been more honest with her best friend than her brother.
As Noah tried to get Eva down for her daytime nap, the thought continued to niggle at him.
And it was still playing on his mind when he gave up on the nap and instead took Eva into the lounge where she had plenty more toys. Except she wasn’t having any of it. The only thing she wanted was to sit on his lap and so eventually he relented and ended up watching a football game, partly relieved she was staring at all the colours, partly feeling like a terrible parent for resorting to the television option.
But his interest wasn’t on the game; it was on Justine and what she’d said. And with Eva in his arms when she grew bored of the game on television, he picked up his phone. He’d been emailing Justine on and off with the odd photograph of Eva and a short update on how they both were. They’d both wanted that, Eva a part of Cassie they could both share. He and Justine had planned the funeral together, being the two people who knew Cassie the best. Justine had been a godsend, grieving but doing her best to share with Noah as much as she knew about her best friend and the tastes that saw a funeral where mourners were not allowed to wear black, a wake that had lively music in the background, no sandwiches but savouries including quiche, samosas and wraps as well as three types of cake. All Cassie’s favourite foods.
He jostled Eva to keep her calm as he made the call.
He hadn’t been sure what Justine was going to tell him, whether she’d tell him anything much at all, but as she talked, he felt his body sag back against the sofa with the weight of responsibility for Eva’s lifelong happiness now resting entirely on his shoulders. Because now he’d spoken to Justine, Paul wasn’t someone he wanted within a hundred yards of his sister’s daughter.
Which meant he had a fight on his hands.
25
Maya wasn’t used to men showing their vulnerability, never mind their emotions. Isaac did, but he was her child. Her dad rarely did, Conrad certainly hadn’t and watching Noah now felt discombobulating, as though she was an intruder and she should be walking away out of respect.
And yet she couldn’t. And it appeared he didn’t want her to either.
She’d shown up here at Noah’s place tonight for her own benefit but the moment he’d opened the door, she’d known something was wrong. She never could’ve predicted quite how much turmoil he was in until they came out here to the back porch and he told her everything.
‘Cassie never told me any of it,’ he said. ‘I don’t understand why she wouldn’t confide in me.’
‘I do.’ She thought how best to word this. ‘I’m really close to my sister but I didn’t tell her what was going on with Conrad for some time. I didn’t want her to shoulder my burden.’
A barely-there dimple appeared in one cheek as he smiled across at her ever so slightly. ‘I suspect it was less about Cassiethinking she’d burden me, and more that she knew I’d go after the guy and have a word in his ear if I knew too much about him.’
‘He didn’t hit her, did he?’ She braced herself for the acknowledgement but thankfully it never came.
‘No, nothing like that. If he had…’
‘I bet she looked out for you too.’
‘She did.’ He disappeared into his memories. ‘She made me talk when I really didn’t want to, more than once. She was all about sharing feelings. It used to do my head in a bit. But I admit sometimes talking helped.’
He turned to face the river again. ‘Justine said that Cassie never trusted Paul. Even at the start, she thought he might be hiding something. He worked offshore on the rigs a lot so they saw one another sporadically and it sounds as though Cassie struggled to get a handle on the sort of man Paul was. Then she’d hear things from bar staff at the pub they went to, murmurs from a couple of her friends that they were sure they’d seen him out and about when he was supposed to be away. When he was offshore, he wouldn’t call my sister often, said he couldn’t because lack of mobile coverage or some such bullshit. And when she’d ask him where he was, he’d give her a country; it was up to her whether to believe him, she knew that.’
‘And she didn’t?’
‘According to Justine, sometimes she did. Other times not so much. She wanted to end things – he started gambling, putting bets on for this, that and the other. Even with what little she saw of him, he was a different man to the one she’d met and begun dating. There was no trust there at all. Justine said that when Cassie found out she was pregnant, my sister toyed with the idea of not telling Paul about the baby but Cassie wasn’t a liar. She told him. Justine said he seemed over the moon, showered Cassie with attention, and my sister, always one to give people a second chance, began to think perhaps she’d misjudged him.
‘She didn’t tell me any of this. I thought she was with a guy she liked, so when she announced she was pregnant, I was happy for her. I saw the way her face lit up when she said it; I knew how much she wanted a baby. Sometimes I wondered whether she’d got pregnant on purpose, but I mean, what did it matter? She was happy. Paul was still working offshore – said he’d do more hours to make more money ready for when the baby arrived. She barely saw him until he came home right before Eva was born.’
Maya waited patiently every time Noah’s voice caught. This had to be hard. She could tell how much he missed his sister, this latest development doing nothing to help him through his grief.
‘Justine told me that Paul showed up at the hospital but he was disinterested in Eva. Justine could barely tolerate being in his orbit. He made her uncomfortable, the way he looked at her as though he might well set his sights on her next. When Eva was a week old, Paul and Cassie registered the birth. Then Paul buggered off.’
‘Offshore?’
