‘Nice in theory,’ Noah sighed. ‘But he says if I say anything, he’ll switch it around and tell everyone that it was me who offered him money to take Eva. After all, I’ve given up a lot to be here. My girlfriend left me, I gave up my apartment, my job in London, the life I once had. And I’m afraid that with him being the father, and with that accusation, he’ll be believed and he’ll get Eva.’
Maya set down her mug. ‘I didn’t realise you were in a relationship.’
‘I was, but it’s fine, honestly. Eva coming into my life so suddenly taught me about the woman I was with. I have no regrets that we ended, none at all.’ He was sure about that, especially since meeting Maya.
She waited a beat. ‘Can I ask you something? And when I say this, I really don’t mean to offend.’
‘Go on.’
‘Do you want to be a full-time dad to Eva? Permanently?’
He hesitated before answering. ‘If you’d asked me that question when I first came here, I would’ve said no, that I was doing it out of duty to Cassie, and that I thought her biological father would be the better parent.’
‘And now?’
‘Now I know what Paul is like, I know without a doubt I don’t want him anywhere near Eva. And it isn’t only that. With every day that passes, I love Eva that little bit more and I’m beginning to realise how hard it’ll be to imagine her not in my life on a full-time basis.’
He finished his hot chocolate and set the empty mug down on the ground. ‘I haven’t told you what else I found.’
And as the sun showed signs of getting ready to give up for the day, Noah told her what had happened after Paul left earlier today.
Noah had given Eva lunch and for once, she ate it quite happily. It was a small victory that made him feel like he was getting somewhere with this parenting lark, which only served to remind him that it might well not be forever, and he was all over the place with how to feel about that.
Noah smiled at Eva as she finished up the last of the stewed lamb and carrots. He’d served it in the little plastic bowl and spoon he’d picked up from the supermarket when Eva started on solids because he hadn’t had the time or energy to go through all of Cassie’s things to find the little set his sister had bought for her daughter. He’d felt bad not finding it, but he’d been focused on survival. Today, however, he felt he was doing a disservice to his sister’s memory. She’d shown him the set when Eva was only two months old, every day getting closer to when she’d be able to use it herself. Cassie couldn’t wait to see it. And then she’d been gone before Eva had a chance to reach that particular milestone.
And it was that memory that had led him to search for the set. He’d shoved a whole load of boxes way up high in the wardrobe in Eva’s room when he moved into the old signal box cottage with every intention of going through them at some point. And that point hadn’t arrived until now.
‘Where is it?’ he sighed. Eva had shuffled over to the baby gym she didn’t use now unless it was to tug at its parts and see what moved, what made a noise, what didn’t do much at all.
He climbed onto a chair and pulled out a box he’d pushed onto the uppermost shelf. He rifled through it to find the tiny sleepsuits Eva had worn when she first came home from the hospital. It was hard to believe she’d ever been that small. He put the box down by the door. Those would go to a charity shop for someone else to use now she’d grown out of them. He pulled out another plastic bag filled with muslin squares and wraps that would be too small for Eva, followed by a much bigger box. That one was filled with Cassie’s stuff, however, not Eva’s. He put iton the floor out of the way so he could yank out the bag from the very back which almost tumbled down on top of him.
Settled on the floor, with Eva amusing herself with the wooden shape sorter he’d bought her for her first birthday, Noah opened up the bag. First, he took out the monitor and set it to one side; maybe he’d use it at some point, could be handy. And then he pulled out the set: the cream plate and bowl made of the type of thick plastic necessary for babies and toddlers so it would survive being dropped, thrown, bashed against things. ‘Bingo.’
He handed the plate to Eva and she grabbed it like it was a new toy. He jerked back when she waved it in the air and almost collided with his lip.
He pointed to the picture on the base of the plate. A giraffe. ‘Can you say giraffe, Eva?’ he asked. ‘Gi-raffe… gi-raffe.’ When she didn’t respond with anything other than a grin, he shrugged. ‘It’s a hard word.’
The set also had a knife and a fork, but he wasn’t about to hand those over, and the plate had lost its allure already because she’d let it fall from her grasp. Instead, she’d shuffled over to the big teddy bear on the bottom shelf of the bookcase and pulled it out before pushing her face into its fur.
With Eva content, he took the opportunity to go through the box of Cassie’s things. It would be a start to getting this place straight, although right now he couldn’t get his head around the long term, what it meant now that Paul was in the picture.
He hadn’t predicted what an emotional slap in the face it would be opening up the box. He would’ve thought seeing his sister’s photo pinned to his fridge or in the frame in Eva’s bedroom every day would be what brought on a tidal wave of grief each time, but this was worse. These were her things, her personal things. He took out a little recipe book bursting with Post-its and all held together with a band; there was the little Victorian teddy bear she’d got from their parents on hereighteenth birthday; the leather purse she’d used for years, old and worn and touched by his sister a thousand times over.
He didn’t want to cry. Not with Eva watching him now.
He picked up the Victorian teddy bear, checked it for any choking hazards – another habit he’d got into pretty quickly – and handed it to her. ‘This was your mum’s. I think she’d really like you to have it.’
Eva took it with glee and it made Noah laugh out loud, particularly when she squished it into her face the same way as she’d done with the other one. Maybe that was her way of introducing herself to teddy bears, he had no idea. What he did know was that her dribble had now been transferred to this toy but he also knew without a doubt that if Cassie were here, the look on her daughter’s face would mean the world. Because it did for him.
Noah had packed up Cassie’s flat in a daze shortly after the funeral. It was horrible; the clothes had been the worst thing because it made her feel so alive in his mind’s eye, but a mate from work had helped him and between them, they’d dealt with it all reasonably quickly. The clothes went to the charity shop at the end of the road, the place Cassie often shopped herself. They’d thrown a lot of stuff away – pens and stationery that wouldn’t be used, the food from the cupboards – and those funny fruit teas she always drank were taken away by his work colleague.
Noah had kept some things for Eva – Cassie’s china trinket box with roses on its lid, the vintage jewellery box with a velvet interior, Cassie’s favourite blanket in duck-egg blue, jewellery including his sister’s favourite white-gold, aquamarine pendant she wore when she went out somewhere posh. She said it made her feel glamorous, even though it wasn’t expensive.
He’d also kept all the documents from Cassie’s bureau drawers, knowing he’d have to sort through those. And here they were. Piles and piles of them.
Eva, to her credit, played contentedly while he sorted through bills, making an enormous pile ready to shred. And she was still happy enough when Noah pulled out a small folder containing letters.
He recognised Cassie’s handwriting on the letters and when he pulled out one after the other, he realised these were the letters Cassie had sent to their mum before their mum passed away. They’d both enjoyed corresponding that way; it hadn’t mattered that a text message or phone call was easier. They’d both argued that there was nothing like old-fashioned pen to paper and so they’d kept up the habit. Letters had gone back and forth for years. He remembered now that when their mother died, Cassie wanted to take all her letters back to put with those from their mum, for her own memories. And here they all were.
