—From the journal of Kailin Strom
Sleep refused to come. The cave was quiet except for the soft sounds of breathing and occasional snores, but my mind wouldn't settle. I was too aware of Alar lying just a few feet away, his presence like a lodestone pulling at my senses.
Earlier by the stream, we'd almost kissed, but I couldn't think about that. Couldn't let myself dwell on how his hands had felt warming mine or how close we'd been to committing a grave offense before we were interrupted.
That guy had saved us a lot of trouble because I don't think either of us could've stopped what had been coming. At that moment, nothing else had mattered. I hadn't cared about the pilgrimage or the inevitable heartache when Alar returned to Eluria. The only thing I could think about was how his lips would feel on mine, and if I cared to be honest with myself, a lot more than that.
I shifted in my sleeping bag, trying to find a comfortable position, but it was all for naught. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Alar's face in the torchlight and felt the ghost of his touch on my hands.
Shovia mumbled something in her sleep and turned over, unconsciously shifting closer to Codric. Even in slumber, they seemed drawn to each other. I envied their easy connection, the way they could just enjoy whatever was building between them without overthinking everything or worrying about the future.
They knew how to live in the moment.
But I wasn't like Shovia. I couldn't just ignore the consequences.
And there would be consequences. If caught, we could get kicked out of the pilgrimage, but even if we weren't, Elu was all-knowing, and he would punish us for transgressing.
Our god was as vindictive as he was forgiving, and as harsh as he was merciful. I wasn't devout, but I didn't dare transgress when my very life was on the line.
Suddenly, my sleeping bag felt stifling, the air felt too thick with smoke from the fire, and my chest felt too tight. I needed space, air, room to think.
As quietly as possible, I extracted myself from my cocoon. The floor was cold beneath my feet as I stood, and I debated whether to put my boots on or continue in my socked feet. My blisters begged me to avoid the boots, and I listened to them. The socks would be ruined, but I had several pairs in my pack.
I grabbed one of the torches from its wall bracket and looked toward the back of the cave, where it forked into the one leading to the pool. I'd noticed several passages branching off it and decided to go exploring. Maybe the air would be cleaner there, and walking would help clear my head.
"Going somewhere?"
Alar's whispered question nearly made me drop the torch. I turned to find him propped up on one elbow, watching me with those impossibly blue eyes of his.
"I can't sleep," I whispered back. "I thought I'd explore a bit."
He was already reaching for his boots. "I'll come with you."
"Don't." As before, the word came out sharper than I'd intended. "You don't need to lose sleep because of me. I won't be long."
"I can't sleep either." He pulled on his boots and stood, moving with a quiet grace that seemed at odds with his size."Besides, if you want to go exploring, you shouldn't do it alone. There could be unstable areas deeper in."
I wanted to argue, to tell him to go back to sleep, but he was already standing with his boots on, and I knew that my words would fall on deaf ears.
Besides, he had a point. It might be dangerous there, or I might get lost, and no one would even know where to look for me. Not that it would help if we both got lost, but it was better than getting lost alone.
"Fine," I finally said.
"Don't you want to put your boots on?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I want to give my feet a break."
He looked like he wanted to say something but then changed his mind.
As I made my way toward the back of the cave and the passage I'd noticed earlier, Alar fell into step beside me.
"How did you know which tunnel to take?" he asked.
"Air flow." I lifted my free hand, feeling the slight current. "This one seems to have better circulation."
The light from my torch was making the crystalline formations in the cave's walls glitter, lending it an almost magical appearance.
He smiled. "Do you know a lot about caves?"
