FORTY NINE
WITH ONE LAST deep breath that does little to calm the butterflies in my stomach, I wheel my life out of my office.Helen is at the counter, buttoning her coat.She looks up as I approach, her eyes immediately falling to the suitcase.They widen in surprise, a knowing smile spreading across her face.
A blush creeps up my neck.My smile is a little wobbly.“Matthew, uh… invited me—he invited me for dinner.”
Helen’s smile widens into a delighted grin, eyes sparkling with mischief as they flick back to the suitcase.“Oh, just for dinner, huh?”Her voice drips with playful skepticism.“Seems like an awful lot of baggage for one meal, Ames.”She leans in closer.“Unless of course, you’re the main course and he’s planning a feast that lasts all weekend.”
“Oh my God, Helen!”I burst into involuntary giggles, my blush deepening.“It’s not, it’s—he found out.He saw my suitcase in the office, and now he knows.”I offer a quick, helpless shrug.“It’s just for tonight.This isn’t… you know…”
“Of course,mija.I was just teasing.”Helen steps forward and pulls me into a tight, fierce hug.“Don’t freak out.One night at a time.”She pulls back, hands gripping my shoulders.“He’s a good man.”
I nod, my heart a hopeful drumbeat.
“Now, go.You don’t want to be late for dinner.”She gives me an encouraging wink.“And don’t even worry about rushing here tomorrow morning.Grace will be here with me.”
“Thank you, Helen,” I say, my voice thick with gratitude as I pull her into one last, quick hug.
She hugs me back just as fiercely, then pushes me toward the door.“Hurry, before he thinks you changed your mind,” she laughs.
Laughter, light and unburdened, bubbles out of me.I give her one last grateful smile over my shoulder.Then, pulling my suitcase, and all my fragile new hopes, behind me, I walk out of the café and into the crisp evening air.
I pull into Matthew’s driveway and park beside his car.Warm light glows from the windows, making the house look like an inviting sanctuary.My hands clench the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turn white.
I feel frozen.
Suspended in the space between the past I’m trying to escape and the future I’m terrified to embrace.
My stomach churns.I see the path laid out before me, a terrifying echo of the one I walked with James:
Accepting help.
Becoming dependent.
Losing myself in a tidal wave of gratitude until I can no longer tell the difference between what’s real and what I so desperately need to be real.
And then… the inevitable breaking.
I cut the engine.But my hand immediately rejoins the other on the steering wheel, gripping it like a vice.My breathing grows labored in the immense silence pressing in on me.
Get out of the car, Amy.
I press my forehead to the steering wheel, eyes squeezed shut.
Just get out of the car.
But my body refuses to obey.Paralyzed by the ghosts of my past mistakes.
A light, hesitant tap on the window makes me jump, a startled yelp catching in my throat.I turn my head, and my heart gives a painful lurch.
Matthew is standing there.Hands tucked into the pockets of his sweatpants, bathed in the soft glow of the light between the two garage doors.His face is filled with gentle concern, his brow slightly furrowed as he sees me frozen in my panic.He reaches for the handle and slowly opens the door.
The interior light flicks on, exposing me completely.
He crouches down to my level.His incredible emerald eyes hold mine.A quiet empathy emanates from his gaze, seeming to see straight into my soul, calming the frantic storm in my mind.
“Hey,” he murmurs, offering me a small, sad smile that acknowledges my terror without a hint of judgment.
He holds out his hand, palm up.A lifeline thrown into the turbulent sea of my panic.
