She shrugged. ‘You’ve still been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.’
‘Then I feel sorry for you.’ He laughed, but the sound died in his throat when she stiffened. ‘I only meant because I’m useless.’
‘Most blokes find me… hard work. I want too much, too soon, and I guess I frighten them away. When I met David, I thought I’d met someone just like me. But that was a lie too. I was just too blinded by hope to realise it.’
‘Men don’t know what they want half the time. We pretend like we do, but we don’t have a fucking clue. I was the same with Savannah. Falling into a relationship with her before I even really knew her. I was the one pushing for the next stage, without ever learning who she was.’
What had he ever seen in Savannah? They’d had nothing in common except the business. He could now understand her reluctance about joining him in London; he’d been deciding their next steps as a couple, but he didn’t even know why she loved her favourite flower.
‘At least now I know where I went wrong. I’ll do better next time.’ He subtly tried to catch her eye, but she was avoiding his gaze.
Should he ask her out for real?
Would she even say yes? And if she said yes, would he ruin it all over again?
He didn’t trust himself, and he knew it was cowardly, but he couldn’t bring himself to take the final step. Not until he was certain she wanted the same.
The moment passed with painful awareness on both sides.
Ellie dragged a cushion across her middle like a shield and reached for the remote. ‘What shall we watch? I fancy a comedy.’
‘Sounds good.’ He eased back into the couch, worried that, just like with Savannah, he didn’t understand Ellie at all.
Chapter Twenty-Three
They had a nice routine now. Taking it in turns to use the bathroom in the morning, before going downstairs together for breakfast. At night they did the same, both piling their clothes for the next day in the bathroom so there’d be no awkward shifting about in the bedroom.
‘My turn,’ Ellie said brightly, setting down her cup of coffee, as Alex left the bathroom in nothing more than a pair of colourful swim shorts. Thick chest and strong limbs on full display. She doubted she’d ever get bored of seeing him.
Christ, the man had no idea what his body did to her libido!
Ellie suspected Alex was just going along with her privacy routine to make her feel less awkward about her insecurities. He never seemed bothered about his nakedness, and slept in nothing more than boxers each night, while Ellie had a variety of pyjamas. She supposed that was why he had a small suitcase and she had a giant one.
The rest of the day was spent together, which was never a hardship. They never seemed to tire of each other’s company, and even when they ran out of things to say the silence never felt awkward. Alex seemed content to do whatever she suggested, whether it was lie in hammocks or, like today, spend it at the pool with the others.
Did he always agree to her suggestions because he didn’t mind, or was it because he wanted to maintain the facade of their relationship? She wasn’t sure, because even when they were alone their fake dating felt real. A fact that frightened and excited her wishful heart. Was she going mad? Was it just the fact that they’d been stuck in the suite together, or were they becoming close, like a weird consensual version of Stockholmsyndrome? Or was there something genuine beneath their fake happiness?
After all, it was true – she’d never had a better boyfriend than Alex. Never been happier to live a lie. Alex was kind, considerate, fun and the sexiest man she’d ever met. When she was with him, she felt cherished and respected. But of course he had to behave like that in front of his parents. The soft looks he gave her, the time they spent together, it was all for someone else’s benefit, and hewasan actor. This was nothing more than a performance.
Except, sometimes he stared at her with such… yearning. Had she imagined those hot looks he’d given her last night during their movie night? More than once, she’d wondered if he was going to kiss her, and this time they’d been alone in their room, with no audience to speak of. But he’d not kissed her, and surely that was answer enough?
She had to remember his words:I’ll do better next time. Alex planned to date again, and it wasn’t going to be with her. Perhaps their time together had simply awakened his libido – as it had hers. It wasn’t that serious, just a powerful calculation of hormones + proximity = desire.
But Ellie wasn’t the type to have a casual romance; she could never leave her heart out of the bedroom. If she allowed things to happen between them, it would only end in disaster.
No, she couldn’t bear it.
Alex had already admitted he’d never been able to make a proper connection with his previous girlfriends. What on earth made her any different? She’d promised to be his friend, nothing more. The worst thing she could do right now would be to ruin this blissful time by exploding a reality bomb in both their faces.
There was no point hoping for more or acting on their fleeting desires; it would only ruin a beautiful holiday. Better to keep her mouth shut. Then, when the holiday ended and they inevitably drifted apart, she could look back on this friendship with kindereyes, and, most of all, be grateful that she hadn’t humiliated herself.
She’d done that too many times in the past – jumped in with both feet, only to find herself looking like a prize idiot.
Ellie stared down at her polka dot bikini with a frown.
It’s now or never.
If she didn’t wear it today, she might as well throw it in the bin. Alex was right, the lifestyle of Hollywood starlets wasn’t possible for most women.
