I cringe, thinking about what I might have said, and how she could have taken it.
Fuck.
I should have stayed away from Charlotte. Until I learned the truth about Billie and me, I should have stayed away. My mind isn’t to be trusted right now.
But I never dreamed about anyone except Charlotte. Why did I have to dream about Billie when I was with Charlotte?
I curse myself, a million times, hating myself for the pain Charlotte has endured because of me.
When I arrive at my hotel, I’m full of self-loathing, sadness, and anger. My heart is beating hard, but I feel like it’s been ripped open.
I shower, sling my bag over my shoulder, and leave for work. I’m early, but I can’t stay in the hotel room because I need to pull it together.
The Uber pulls up, and I get in, wishing I was sitting next to Charlotte in her car. I put the palms of my hands against my eyes and try to figure out a strategy on how to not make her hurt any worse today when I’m around her.
When I get in the lobby, I have four mini blueberry muffins wrapped up, and I buy a coffee with cream and two sugars and put a stopper in it so it stays hot. I go to the locker room and open Charlotte’s locker with the code I saw her use the day before.
I set the coffee and bag in it, then lock it, and go to my locker.
It’s best if I’m not here when Charlotte comes in.
After I get ready, I read the schedule. I have two surgeries without Charlotte and the third one with her.
And just because the universe has to play cruel jokes on me, my first two surgeries are with Damon.
Awesome. I take a few deep breaths and remind myself I need to keep it cool where he’s concerned. The last thing I want is to lose my job and be back in New York.
I never thought I would want to live anywhere but New York, but now that I know Charlotte and that she’s here, there is no way I’m leaving Chicago unless she’s with me.
My perspective has shifted.
My reality is no longer the past.
My truth is no longer the same.
It hits me hard. Billie is my past. I haven’t loved her for a long time. While I did love her when we broke up, I don’t remember falling out of love with her. But I no longer care.
Charlotte is my future. She is who I love. Whatever I have to do to make her mine, and win her back, I will.
I pray she will give me another chance.
16
Charlotte
He was havingsex with Billie. In my bed.
I try to push it out of my mind, but I can’t.
“Yes, Billie, don’t stop.”
“Faster, Billie.”
“Fuuuuuuck, Billie.”
“You know I love you, Billie.”
“Of course I love you. I’ve only ever loved you, Billie.”
