“That’s not true at all,” he said, his voice quieter now. “You looked at him like he used to be yours. Maybe still is.”
I averted my gaze, blinking fast, my eyes suddenly stinging. The floor seemed to tilt beneath my feet. A solid, unmovable lump formed in my throat, and I couldn’t force a single word around it.
“He’s not,” I finally said.
Xavier stepped closer to me. “If I were to kiss you right now, what would you say?”
I answered immediately, “Not right now.”
Arguing was tough enough on its own. Let’s not add kissing to the mix.
“Exactly.” He sounded frustrated and defeated. “Not right now. Not since Landon is back and volunteering with you every fucking week.” His shoulders dropped, the fight bleeding out of him all at once. “What do you want then?”
I didn’t have an answer. My heart was pounding, my palms still stung faintly from earlier, and all I could think wasI don’t know. I didn’t know how to lie to myself anymore. But I didn’t know how to say the truth out loud either.
“I want space,” I said finally. The words felt small, but they echoed in the stillness.
Xavier stood there a moment longer, jaw tightening, before he nodded once. “Fine.” He walked to the door. “He left you once, Kira. What makes you think he won’t do it again?”
The soft creak of the door opening was followed by the hollow click as it closed again.
I sank into the couch, curling my legs under me, and let the silence press in. Why did it feel like everything in my life had gone to shit now that Landon was back? Everything had been perfectly easy, and now each day felt like an uphill battle.
The soft hum of my own muffled sobs filled the quiet space. Ipressed my forehead to my knees as the tears came slowly, slipping past the cracks I’d tried so hard to seal shut.
Maybe all my problems are my own fault, I thought, the pressure settling heavy in my chest.
After a minute, I heard a bedroom door open and the shuffle of socked feet against the floor. Damn it. I had gotten so used to Macey always being on the road that I forgot she was home tonight. Maybe she was going to the kitchen for a snack. If I could get up quietly?—
“Kira?”
My head snapped up. Standing in the dim light of the hallway was Macey, her blonde hair wild from an evident nap and her oversized sweatshirt hanging loose over plaid sweatpants.
“I heard crying,” Macey said softly, her brow furrowed in concern. “And, uh, Xavier yelling.”
I shook my head quickly, wiping at my damp cheeks with the sleeve of my jacket. “It’s nothing. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Macey crossed the room in a few steps and lowered herself next to me on the couch. “You didn’t wake me. I was doomscrolling Instagram,” she admitted with a small shrug. “What’s wrong?”
I let out a shaky breath. “Xavier and I got into a fight.”
“I’m sorry, Kira.” Macey wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Do you need me to send Noah’s fangirls to beat him up? I’d love the opportunity to send them away.”
“No.” I chuckled through a sob. “It’s just that he said a lot of true things. Everything Theo and Jae said was true, too. Maybe I am the problem. Every relationship I have falls apart. I don’t know why I can’t suck it up and sleep with?—”
“Hey, don’t finish that sentence,” Macey interrupted gently but firmly. “You’re not the problem. Relationships are messy and complicated. If Xavier doesn’t understand you, then he doesn’tdeserve you.” She pulled back slightly to look at me, her hands resting on my shoulders. “What is this really about?”
“It’s hard to explain.” I paused, hiccupping as Macey waited patiently. “It’s like…I need to feel this deep connection before I can even think about having sex, let alone good sex. And most guys don’t get it. They think I’m leading them on, or being difficult, or”—I waved my hands, searching for the right words—“too problematic.”
“Anything that makes you who you are is not a problem. The right man for you will realize that the things that make you feel insecure are a privilege, not a problem, to have.”
I sniffled, pressing my palms against my eyes. “It doesn’t feel like a privilege to have something wrong with me.”
Macey sighed and squeezed my shoulders. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You just love deeply.” She nudged my chin up so I’d look at her. “And if anyone makes you feel like you have to apologize for that, then fuck them.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’m tired of this ruining my relationships.”
“You’ll find someone who speaks your love language,” she reassured me. “You need more than surface-level attraction, and that’s okay. That means the right person is going to be someone who sees and understands you.”
