A new understanding settles over me.
“That’s why I understood how you felt when you first got here,” Johnny says quietly. “I know what it’s like, not knowing where your abuser is, always looking over your shoulder. I saw myself in you. I wanted to be there for you, like I wish someone had been there for me.”
“Youwerethere for me, and you’ve helped me through so much. I’m so sorry you went through that. You didn’t deserve it.”
“Thanks. I know that now.” He runs a hand through his hair. “But I also know I haven’t been the best support lately. There’s more I need you to know. The other thing I wanted to share is a little more complicated.”
I nod, bracing myself.
“My PTSD from the whole ordeal manifests as possessive behavior. When I have something good, I hold onto it for dear life, because I get scared that it could be taken from me at any moment. I get jealous. Clingy. Not a good version of myself.”
He takes a deep breath.
“I started having feelings for you at Halloween. Watching you dance with Axel and Nik? I wanted to rip them apart. Make you mine. Lock you away so no one else could touch you. Andthe next day, I hated myself for it. I knew I’d ruin everything… my friendships…you… if I acted on those feelings. Maybe you wouldn’t have hated me at first, but you would have grown to resent me. My fear of losing you would’ve suffocated you. So, I shut you out instead.”
Suddenly, so many things make sense: the way he said “mine,” the intensity of his reactions, the cold silence that followed.
“But, you haven’t been like that with Tasha,” I point out.
His cheeks turn pink. “We broke up a week ago. And I wasn’t like that with her because I didn’t see her as long-term.”
My breath catches.
“And you could see us being long-term?” I ask softly.
“Couldn’t you?”
My heart breaks all over again. I feel it in my bones. The truth I don’t want to speak. Of course I could see it. Istillcan. But I also understand, better than most, how trauma can rule your life. How hard it is to love someone who hasn’t healed yet. Someone who still lives in fear of their own love.
“Yes,” I finally say. “You’re my person. Whether we’re together or just friends.”
A tear slips down my cheek, and I give him a watery smile. “Maybe we’re not meant to be right now. Or maybe not ever. But that doesn’t change how I feel.”
“And you’re my person too. No matter what,” he says, pulling me into a tight hug. I cling to him, wishing the timing could be different. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time, and that just has to be ok, even when it feels like it won’t be.
“Alright,” I sniff. “I think I deserve that present you promised. Since you made me cry and all.”
Johnny chuckles and opens his nightstand. He pulls out awhite envelope and hands it to me. In careful, neat handwriting, it reads:
Open When... You Need Someone Who Understands.
“It’s technically a gift for later,” he explains. “Got the idea from the internet. If there’s ever a time when you feel sad or hopeless, I want you to open this. I don’t ever want you to feel alone in your pain again, and if for some reason me or Axel or Nik or anyone that cares for you isn’t available, this is for you.”
“I can’t believe you did this. It’s so thoughtful.” I start weeping again, and Johnny pulls me back in for another hug.
“I still want to be your friend, if you’ll let me. I really messed things up between us, and I’m sorry.”
“I’d like that,” I whisper. “I’ve really missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too. More than you know.”
I dry my eyes, feeling both relieved and devastated from our talk. I give Johnny one last hug before leaving him and heading back to the two men who also hold pieces of my heart.
When I walk back in, Axel and Nik are curled up in bed, still watching the movie. Neither of them asks where I’ve been or why I’ve been crying. Axel just lifts the covers in silent invitation, and I crawl into the middle.
They wrap around me like I’m their missing puzzle piece, giving me comfort and warmth. It never fails to amaze me how these two continually help me to bear my burdens without asking for anything in return. I’ve come to depend on them, and that scares me more than anything.
Chapter 35
