“What was that? What did he do to you?” Julian asked, appearing from the shadows between buildings.
Shaking my head, I swung a leg over the scooter. “Go away, Julian.”
“Talk to me, what happened?” He insisted, leaning his palm against the brick wall.
“He was just being a jerk.”
“So, it didn’t work,” he said more to himself than to me, running his hand through his hair. His eyes snapped up to mine, and he leaned forward. “Fallon, you didn’t fall for it.”
Fall for it?I raised my brows and sat back on the scooter. “Of course not, you stupid Heathen. For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“Yeah?” Julian’s eyes lit up as he stepped forward from the alley, then glanced around before pulling himself back under the shade. “Will you come here?”
“No, I’m still mad at you,” I said, gripping the handlebar.
“You want to come here and kiss me, or are we going to argue? Because you’re giving me real mixed signals here, and I don’t know what to do with this. It’s all very new to me, Fallon.”
“Well, it’s all new for me too,” I started to say, finding the words. “But I still told you things, things I never told anyone. I let you in more than anyone. Iundressedfor you—” I paused when my throat burned, warning me. I looked around, seeing as we are the only two people on this side of Town Square, a single street light still buzzing over my head. I was under a spotlight while Julian stayed in the shadows. “You know, just because I’m inexperienced or look like this doesn’t mean I lack self-respect. You’re definitely not the first guy who thought I’d be easy. But guess what, Julian? I’mnotfucking desperate! I gaveyoua shot because I thought you were different. I’m such an idiot, thinking you out of all people would understand. I was okay with keeping things in the dark between us. I would never tell anyone what we did, but I never signed up to be complete strangers in public.ThatI can’t do.” I shook my head. “Be honest with me, is it because you don’t want to be seen with me? Are you embarrassed of me? Because I’m such afreakshow?”
“Afreakshow? Fallon, you’ve got to be kidding me. I thought we were past that.”
“Then tell me something real. Tell me something that would make sense of all this. Tell me anything!” I begged, and Julian froze as silence spread between us. The air changed, the mood changed, and we both realized only two things could happen from this point. Either I was jumping off this scooter and going to him, or I was leaving. And from the looks of it, Julian wasn’t taking any drastic measures to come out of his hiding place.
He would never come out of his hiding place.
I leaned forward, gripped the handlebars, and revved the engine.
“I’m afraid of heights!” he blurted from the shadows, and I snapped my gaze to him. “Every day, I take off my mask and stand in the mirror, and in an instant,”—he slapped his palm against the wall— “I’m standing either at the top of a Ferris wheel or on the edge of the cliff looking down. I get sick to my stomach, dizzy, everything’s swaying, I feel like I’m going to either throw up or lose my balance and fall. I know it’s irrational. But I keep staring at myself in the mirror, thinking I can get over it. Hoping that I can confront my fears so I can one day get past it and see the man behind the fear, so I can see my own face, that maybe I’m the key to breaking my curse. But just before I pass out, I turn away.” He paused and shook his head as if to shake away the feeling. “Sometimes, I forget what I’m more afraid of, heights or myself.” He laughed, but it was empty. “There you have it. I’m afraid of heights.”
The scooter rumbled beneath me. Our eyes locked, Julian’s holding hallows of desperation. Julian Blackwell was afraid of heights. A fear so normal—so trivial coming from a man who had half the town in fear of him.
Heights, and this feeling came over me with his sudden confession.
I hopped off the scooter and took off toward Julian, who was straightening his posture. He didn’t even wait until I was in the shadows before he reached out into the light and grabbed my hand to pull me under with him.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his hands already on my face, my back already against the wall. “You have to know that it’s not what it seems.”
He flipped up his mask and nudged his lips against mine once before he was kissing me, and it pulled me into a whirlwind, like a snap of an elastic band. Time bounced with it, bringing me back to when we explored each other in the train car, the liberating and freeing night of us.
“They’re all liars, but we’re not. This isn’t a lie,” he groveled with a thickness in his throat. His tongue tasted mine, kissing me hard and deep as if I was going to disappear or turn to dust inside his arms.
With one hand clasped firmly on his neck, and the other flattened against his chest, I forced my head away. Even my mind and heart were at war. “Julian,” I said, and he dropped his head and settled it onto my shoulder. A groan vibrated from his chest down to the hips that were pinned to mine.
“I’m trying, Fallon,” he said, pushing “Fallon” into my ear.
“All I wanted was to be real with each other. Real with me, real with yourself. Ineedreal,” I paused and pressed my face into his thick hair. I inhaled his scent, the smell of winter and woods, forcing myself to come out and say it. “Maybe it’s not heights you’re afraid of. Maybe you’re just afraid of falling.”
Julian lifted his head and stared into my eyes. I waited for him to say something, but he never did.
I slipped out from under him and ran back to the scooter, knowing he wouldn’t run after me.
“Fallon, you don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Julian shouted, smacking his palm against the brick wall as I pushed down my helmet and swung my leg over the scooter. “Don’t do this.”
I did, and both of us had lost.
Chapter 22
Fallon
