“Mia, look at me,” Dr. Conway insisted. I lifted my head to see her sad and forgiving eyes before she continued, “You are so strong. You’re a fighter—
“No, I’m not a fighter. I’m weak. If I was strong, I wouldn’t have pushed my past away and flipped the damn switch. I would have fought through it.”
“You were eight years old, Mia. Cut yourself some slack. Not everyone can shut it out, but you did. At eight years old at that. Could you imagine if you hadn’t, having to deal at such a young age? You’re much older now, and you have the strength to heal, and Mia, it’s time. You have to let it all out. You have to start talking about your experience. You can’t keep it all inside any longer.”
“But it hurts … it hurts so bad.”
“And I promise you, after you get through the pain, there is a light at the end of all this.”
She pulled my head back into her chest and ran her palm up my forehead. “I think it’s time for you to return to the main campus. What do you think?”
The following two weeks were the slowest two weeks of my life; too many emotions kept me up at night, thinking of all the horrible things I had done over the last ten years. Regret kept water in my eyes as I thought back at all the people I’d hurt. The way I’d hurt myself. My head bounced from pointing blame to everyone else, back to feeling remorse for what I’d caused, back to blaming it on the world. I was a casualty of the war in my head, and this had all started with the actions of my uncle.
I tried to remember what I’d been like before him—before the first night he’d come into my room. What my favorite color was, what I liked to eat, and most of all, my favorite song to play on the piano. But that girl no longer existed; she’d been destroyed the night her uncle stole her innocence, but her death had been a slow and painful one. At least that little girl had the audacity to give him a quick and painless death. He hadn’t deserved a death so gracious.
Then my irrational thoughts traveled to what I could have possibly done to ask for it. Had I given my uncle any indication I wanted it? Was I Mayella inTo Kill a Mockingbird, and would Ollie see me the same way Atticus saw Mayella? I sighed to myself at the similarity. All along, Dr. Conway had put me through stupid assignments, but only in an effort to remind me.
Clever,Dr. Conway.
Maddie always took the opportunity to talk to me during dinner. We played poker every breakfast and twenty-one every dinner. Each time she brought up the main campus, I changed the subject.
“Dr. Conway is discharging me from here,” I said to her. Maddie continued to play with the deck in her hand as I studied the expression on her face. Not a damn change. She was good.
“So, you’re leaving Dolor for good, then?” she asked.
“No, I’m going back to the main campus.”
Maddie slid two cards across the table in front of me. “I’ve never met Dr. Conway, but it sounds like she really likes you, ya?”
“Yeah, we’ve grown close since I arrived.”
“Maybe I can request her.”
“She normally doesn’t work over here on this side, so I doubt it.”Why was I getting territorial with Dr. Conway?“Hit me.”
Maddie flipped over a ten of hearts, and I threw my head back and groaned.
“You lose, as always. You have the worst bloody luck,” she said through a laugh.
I smiled at her choice of words. “No, trust me. I’m the luckiest girl in the world.”
Because I have Ollie.
Monday morning, I was discharged from the Looney Bin and processed back into the system on the main campus. It had been two and a half weeks since I’d seen Ollie. Every night, I waited for him to come back, but he never showed. Terrified, I wondered if he’d gotten caught because of me. Did they have him in solitary confinement or had they forced him off campus? Was he in prison? Too many thoughts ran through my head, and all I needed was to see him and make sure he was okay.
First, I suffered through another meeting with Dean Lynch, but this time with Dr. Conway by my side. She explained my breakthrough, and I sat quietly beside her as she went over the next steps in the healing process.
“She needs to be back to seeing me twice a week, and involved in group therapy again,” Dr. Conway insisted. “She needs to interact with her friends, get back into a regular routine. Mia has been living in isolation long enough.”
Dean Lynch agreed, but with conditions.
Dr. Conway, Dean Lynch, and I exited the office to find Oscar waiting outside with my suitcase in hand. He wore an official security guard uniform with his black hair gelled back and a small smirk over his smug face. Flashes of our sex-fests from the beginning of the school year swam around in my brain.
“Where’s Stanley?” I asked, glancing over to Dr. Conway. My stomach twisted at the reminder of my indecency.
Dr. Conway opened her mouth, but Dean Lynch interjected, “Stanley is no longer with us. However, Oscar has been in training for four months now and is familiar with our commitment. He’s more than capable of taking care of you.”
Oscar’s smirk grew into a devilish smile, full of white pearly teeth. “As the Dean said, I’ll take great care of you, Mia.”
