I slept terribly last night. All I can think about is my and Beck’s talk. It’s playing over and over in my head.
I don’t want to ask him to change, but also I’ve never felt like I understand him more. I get that fear. I believe his reasoning because I’ve lived it.
All my ex did was practically force change on me. I don’t want to do that to Beck, but the thing I can’t seem to let go of is what he said before I talked about why I moved here.“I wish it could be me, but I can’t, and won’t, ask that of you.”
What if I want it? If the decision is completely his, then I could accept that. Not having kids through getting pregnant—that’s my decision, but kids are never off the table for me.
The only way I can rationalize it, is the same way. Does Beck feel about a relationship the way I do about getting pregnant?I wish it could be me…If he thinks not being in a relationship is a favor to me, then that’s bullshit. That decision should be left for me to decide. If he were to ask me…I think being the one to love him is the actual favor.
When that thought gets my heart racing, I try to sober it with the reminder that he also said it wasn’t about me. If this truly issomething he feels without a doubt, no exceptions, zero chances of regret, then I’ll walk away without a word of what he means to me.
I won’t try to change his mind or make him feel bad for his choice. It’s his to make and one that we agreed to.
With barely five hours of sleep, I’ve decided to put all my feelings into some sketches of some tattoos that for some reason remind me of Beck. I went ahead and just dedicated the whole file to him.
I’ve got a cherry blossom tree that I think would be pretty great on his ribs. I’ve got “stalker” written out in my handwriting. Clipped the trail we take running every Tuesday then added some electricity around it to make it look charged.
By the time I finish it, my itch to draw still hasn’t been scratched and I need to get more out. This really might be crossing a line but I add Emma and Callie to a group chat and ask anyway.
Okay, I don’t need follow up questions or commentary… Could either of you get Beck’s dad’s number for me?
Everything is okay, just no follow ups.
After hitting send, I roll out of bed to pull myself together somewhat. I can’t imagine I’ll be hearing from either of them for a bit considering it’s not even eight in the morning.
Walking down to the kitchen, I’m honestly a little surprised I’m up before Beck. Granted, I can’t say what time he normally gets up because I’m the one who is usually dead to the world until at least nine.
I grab Dottie’s leash and snap it quick before her zoomies start.
“Hey, I got that,” Beck’s voice comes from the stairs.
Butterflies erupt in my stomach, because that’s what this man’s presence has done to me now. But as quickly as they come, they all sort of die when I realize he’s looking ready for the day, and for more than just a normal lazy morning.
His hand covers mine softly as he takes the leash. “Dex called and we’re gonna go to the training facility. I’ll take Dottie with me.”
“Oh.” Yep, all flutters are dead. Shaking off the weird dread coming over me, I force a smile. “Okay, she’d love that.”
Beck’s eyes trace up and down my face. “Do you want to come with us?”
Maybe, if that was his first question then I probably would have, but now, that feels like a pity ask. “No, I’m good. I’ll call Reagan and see if she wants to go over some stuff for the storefront.”
I truly do my best to keep any attitude hidden, but Beck has become this safe space for me, and apparently I don’t hide my feelings all that well after I feel safe.
His hand caresses my face softly. “Jen, come?—”
“I’m fine, Beck. Really.” I take a step back from his touch and move toward the kitchen. “I need to get something set up with Reagan and?—”
My words stop as Beck grabs my wrist and pulls me into his arms holding me tightly. It takes me a second to even compute what’s happening, he’s just holding me in a hug. His head nestles into my neck and as he takes a deep breath in and out, I finally let some tension go.
I wrap my arms around his back and his hands flinch, tightening around my body. We don’t say anything, but I can tell it’s helping us both feel better. Beck continues to make slow deep breaths like he did when he had his panic attack.
I start matching my breaths with his until he pulls back. His lips pressed against my forehead, and he holds there for a fewseconds before Dottie decides enough is enough as she wraps us up in her leash.
“Dottie.” I chuckle. Reaching for a part of her leash I tug her back around while Beck holds me close to keep me steady.
When we’re untangled, I go to step back already feeling better, but Beck captures my chin, willing me to meet his eyes. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“I work?—”
