Tears pool in her eyes, but they don’t fall. My strong, stubborn girl knows I don’t deserve them, not right now. “I love you, Beck. I know that wasn’t a part of our plan, but I do. Coming here—after waking up alone—I have no regrets. I’ve given this my all. You have me on every molecular level, but I won’t take your half. I deserve more.”
“Jen—” I want to agree with her, because I know she does, but she holds her hand up.
“I know you can’t give that right now, so I’ll make up for it because that’s what loving you has taught me. I’m here because I want to be by your side through this…” She pauses and pulls a folded piece of paper from her back pocket. “But I can’t know what this says until we’re back in Boston.”
Taking the note, I know she’s right. Even though I want to tell her everything—lay it all out there for her to know—I know why she wants to wait.
I dare a step closer and she doesn’t push back when I pull her back in. “Okay, Jen, I won’t say anything else, but Iamsorry for leaving.” Placing a kiss to the top of her head, we stay there, wrapped up in each other’s arms until my dad comes back in, and it’s time for our final goodbyes.
Chapter 31
Jensen
I haven’t left Beck’s side for two days. I held his hand through their final goodbyes and fell asleep in his arms each night. Not that either of us has actually gotten any quality sleep.
It’s been nonstop people calling, dropping by, and all things planning for the funeral arrangements. Or, well, reception.
The one bittersweet part of all this is getting this better understanding of Beck. From the stories I’ve been told of his mother to the requests she’s made for her passing—after her father passed, she made sure it was written in her will that she wanted zero sad music, no mournful preaching, or to have an actual funeral.
Rory recounted the whole story with this smile on his face. Said he remembers bickering over that with her until they finally agreed that he could have a reception in her honor. His love for her radiates from him every second he speaks of her. Every time someone mentions her name, it’s clear.
Beck managed a small chuckle when he got to the part where she also insisted no one was allowed to make long-winded eulogies and the game Beck’s most proud of had to be played the entire time.
So, with that in mind, they decided to have an open gathering at the chapel they got married in, and have this last World Series game playing on the projector.
Every now and then, I find Beck looking up at it with the slightest tug at the corners of his mouth. Otherwise, he’s practically running on autopilot at this point. Not that I blame him, he’s been making the best small talk he can and nodding along with people’s condolences.
I hold his hand tightly each time. He’s exhausted from this grief and all the decisions that had to be made. I can practically feel Beck’s pain—I just want to help him carry that weight, and I’m trying to.
I’ve been holding it together the best I can, being whatever he and his dad need, but I’m still so hurt over how he left. I feel so incredibly selfish for it, given the situation. I all but spiral when I start thinking about us.
I’ve considered asking for the note countless times, just to know how he feels about us because I don’t want to be here if my presence is hurting him. But then it turns back into me feeling selfish because I’m not ready to let him go yet. Then how can I even think about asking any of these questions while he’s grieving… The emotional carousel is killing me slowly and I don’t know how to make the ride stop.
Beck’s hand tugs me back a step as someone starts talking to his dad. “Hey, why don’t you go take a break? There’re some water and snacks in the kitchen.”
Rolling my shoulders back, I feign a soft smile. “I’m okay, but I can get you both water if you want.”
Beck lets go of my hand to cradle my face. The small touches haven’t stopped and I’m all but clinging to them for my sanity.
“I’m good, but if I can’t make you take a break, then I know someone who can.”
I follow Beck’s eyes as he looks behind me with the slightest smile tugging at the corners of his lips. I’m so exhausted that it takes me a second to register the reality of Lucie, Callie, and Emma headed our way with Dex, Will, Adam, and Tripp following behind them.
The weight of stress that falls off my shoulders is instant when Lucie wraps me up in her arms. Tears well in my eyes, and I do my best to hold them back, but I’m the first person Lucie goes for. I’m the person she wanted to check on first. As selfish as it makes me feel, I really needed it.
She told me they were all coming, but without her physically here I pushed it to the back of my head to keep Beck my focus.
“You look exhausted,” she mumbles, still holding me tight.
“Thanks, I really fucking am,” I whisper, hoping only she hears me. I really don’t want to let go, but I can hear everyone else giving their condolences to Beck and his dad, and I know I can’t lose it just yet. Lucie will be the first person I run to when I get back to Boston.
Beck rests one hand on my back, but looks to Lucie. “Please, make her go take a break.”
I don’t even have time to open my mouth to argue before Lucie steps to him giving a tight hug then takes my hand. “I’ve got her. We’ll be back in a bit.”
I look over my shoulder. “Beck, I’m?—”
“We’ve got him,” Dex cuts me off, appearing right beside him.
