“I’m on my way. I’ll call you on my way to the airport.” I feel the panic attack coming on immediately, I shove it back as best I can.
I’m both grateful and absolutely hate that he doesn’t argue because fuck this means that it’s it. I’m going to have to say goodbye and I’m not ready to.
I clench my fists as an unimaginable pain sweeps through me. My throat tightens and I swear I’m choking on air. This panic attack is going to take me down, but I can’t let it. I have to get back home.
Grabbing a sweatshirt from the top of the laundry, I just move with that one thought in mind. I slide my shoes on at the door then snatch up my keys—except they’re not mine, they’re Jensen’s.
The pain in my chest comes back in full force. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I whisper-shout. I should wake her up. Every muscle and instinct is begging me to go wake her up and bring her with me.
I stumble over to the island and brace myself against the wood. All that fear comes racing back tenfold and I’m seconds away from passing out but I can’t afford that. Whatever’s happened, I need to get back home.
I know what I’m about to do might be unforgivable, but I feel like I’m dying. What if this is too much? What if she actually sees what could happen and I lose her too? Why can’t I fathom the idea of walking up the stairs?
Waking her up feels like it will seal every fear I have. And then what words would even come out of my mouth? My mom is…
I can’t breathe. Fuck. I can’t breathe.
I try everything to get my breathing under control, and even with a few deep breaths, I know I won’t be able to. My eyes latch on to our notepad. A small bit of clarity hits me. Grabbing it and a pen, I write down every word I wanted to tell Jensen earlier.
It’s nowhere close to what she deserves. I promise this is the last thing I ever want to do without her, even though I wish I had enough courage to go back up those stairs and wake her up.
As I drop the pen and grab my keys I’ve never hated myself more, but I walk out the door and head to say my final goodbye.
Chapter 29
Jensen
Falling asleep in Beck’s arms is a peace I didn’t know existed. But maybe it only does in my dreams because a chill vibrates through my body. I roll reaching for Beck aimlessly seeking out that peace again, but, when I reach the edge of the bed and find no one, my eyes fly open.
Alone. I’m in this bed alone.
Looking around the room hoping to find any clue as to Beck just being in the bathroom, any sound of him and Dottie just had a midnight craving, but the bathroom light is off. Dottie is asleep on my side of the bed and the clock reads just before five in the morning.
This pit forms deep in my stomach and then I hear the faint sound of a phone vibrating. I swing my legs off the bed. I think I lost it on the floor somewhere…I don’t really remember much other than Beck. Beck’s kiss. Beck’s touch. The promises of more.
Rifling through the pile of our clothes on the floor, I try to use that for a reminder that last night did actually happen. I don’t know where Beck is, but my phone is still ringing and my mind is racing. I need this to be him calling…but it’s his dad?
Crumbling to the floor, the pit in my stomach turns into knots as I answer on a shaky breath. “Hello?”
“Jensen,” he answers in a panic. “I’m sorry to call at this hour, but it’s important.”
A wave of nausea hits me and no words come out. Deep in my gut, I already know what he’s about to say.
“We’re going to have to say goodbye tonight, and as much as Beck thinks he has to do it alone, he’s wrong. I’m sorry to ask this of you, but I know he won’t—he needs you.”
Tears prick my eyes at the strain in Rory’s voice.
“He’s stubborn and so headstrong that I know he left without a word. I’m not looking to make this?—”
“He left?” The words tumble out as what he said registers. “When?” I croak.
He left?A wave of hurt and anger hits me. In light of the situation, I hate it, it feels selfish…but I feel so betrayed. Why wouldn’t he wake me up? Let me be there for him and not have to wake up this way.
A heavy sigh comes through the line. “He said he’s on the way from the airport to the house now. I know I’m biased but I beg you to give him a little grace. He’s the best person I know…right after his mother. Losing her is going to destroy him—he’s not thinking clearly.”
Forget my stomach being in knots, I’ve been punched in the gut and shot through the heart. As angry as I am that he didn’t wake me when he left, I know what Beck’s mom means to him.
But I can’t seem to let go of why didn’t he wake me? I know I want to be there for him during this. Had he woken me, I would have gone with him without a second thought. Hell, if he had saidI’m going, can you meet me there later, I would have made peace with it, but to just leave? Not a single word said, and now I have to hear about it from his dad?
