This pit forms deep in my stomach. Shit, now I’m the nauseous one.
“Luce—”
Her hand reaches over to take mine. “You also get to control when that happens, so trust your gut, and I swear on everything—no matter what happens, you will still be my best friend. Nothing will ever change that.”
I squeeze her hand. “Good, I’d hate to kidnap you, Princess Peach.”
Her smile grows again. “Is it kidnapping if I come willingly?”
Chapter 26
Beck
I’m at a fucking loss. Ever since Jensen got up from the couch last night there has been this elephant on my chest. I can’t breathe properly and this dark cloud is looming over me. I slept like shit. I’ve practiced with the guys like shit.
When Dex sent out a text for anyone available to meet him here to practice and workout, I thought it might be nice to get out, move my body, and find any sort of joy from the game I love. But that didn’t happen, because all I’ve been able to think about is Jensen.
Tossing my dirty clothes in my gym bag, I let out a heavy sigh and close my eyes. I need to get a grip, but…shit, if my hands don’t feel weak.
The one bit of reprieve I got this morning was from simply holding Jensen in the doorway. There’s this peace in having her at my side. I’ve been forcing thisfaking itmentality and fighting off my anxieties so no one would question what I’m feeling for so long, but now I find it exhausting.
Even before we slept together, when she helped me through that first panic attack…I just felt safe with her. Every discussion we have, I feel safe because I actually get to express what I’mfeeling for the first time with someone who might not have the same experience, but can relate to what I’m feeling.
I don’t know how long we can keep this arrangement going. And I have zero clue how I could ever let her go. I’m so tired of fighting my anxieties, but the fear of what our future could look like has me in a chokehold.
Even the thought of having Jensen experience what my dad is going through fills my entire body with fear… I start to see spots when I think a second too long about it. There’re no what ifs in my head, only the worst possible outcomes. The thing is I can’t decide which one is worse, forgetting her or losing her.
We were supposed to get each other out of our systems but instead she is my new system. She’s the other part of my soul that I didn’t even know was missing.
I can’t stop thinking about this. How I managed to make it through this unofficial practice with the guys is a miracle in itself. It’s like I’m here, but I’m not. I’m stuck in the death spiral of panic and if I wanted to be honest, I’m fucking sad.
At some point, in this mental panic attack, my muscle memory must have started box breathing. Finally finding some strength, I blink my eyes open. My hands are gripped so hard on the edges of the cubby walls my knuckles are white.
Leaning up, I let my grasp go and shake out my hands.
“Beckkkk!” Miles bursts into the clubhouse with Dottie following behind him. “I have a question.”
Turning around slowly, I sit on my cubby because I’m not sure how much longer I can keep standing. Dottie makes her way between my knees and rests her head on my leg. Giving her soft pets, I find a little bit more composure. “Alright, All-star, what’s up?”
Miles’s smile immediately gives him away. The boy is about to do some scheming. “I was thinking that Dottie could come home with me for a little bit. Mommy got so sad this morning,she said the babies make hermotional. I think Dottie could cheer her up.”
My heart warms a bit at him calling Lucie his mom now. When Dex texted us this morning, he mentioned Miles had started doing it but to act normal about it.
Which I get, but frankly, I don’t think the warning had to be given, Lucie is the mom Miles deserves. I’m not going to question that.
“You know, I love your thinking, but something tells me your dad has either already told you no, or you’re looking for forgiveness instead of permission.”
Miles’s mouth opens then shuts. His eyes narrow in on Dottie. “Well…”
“Miles, you better not be asking Beck about the dog,” Dex scolds lightly as he walks in the clubhouse. “I already told you no, we’re not bringing the dog back home.”
Miles’s shoulders fall practically to his ankles. “But Mommy would love to see Dottie.”
Dex shakes his head. “Mom wants to see Dottie’s owner, Jensen, not the dog.”
My heart rate kicks back up at the mention of Jensen. “Lucie went to see Jen?”
Dex gets this cocky smirk on his face. “Yeah, she’s home now, but they got brunch together. Want to fill me in on your side? Luce and I can compare notes later.”
