Elias:That doesn’t mean he’s attracted to me.
I’m at a loss. How is it not obvious to him?
Another message comes through from Elias:He wouldn’t have fucked me. He’s not like you.
I type,What does that mean?
Elias:You almost sound like you wanted him to fuck me.
He’s trying to sidetrack me, and it almost works, but he doesn’t get to control the conversation.
I text,Answer my question. What did you mean, he’s not like me?
Bubbles appear and disappear, but no message comes through. I check my other phone, watching Elias type and delete.
When he puts his phone down without sending anything, I text,Answer me.
But Elias doesn’t reply. He doesn’t even look at it.
Goddamn it.
Someone calls my name. I stow both phones, ash what’s left of my cigarette, and put on my lazy, rich-man smile beforesomeone I don’t give a fuck about arrives to bore the shit of out me.
***
It’s almost midnight when I knock on Elias’s door, but I know he’s still up. He’s in his sweats and a t-shirt now. He’s finally showered, though he never ate, not that I saw. But I didn’t get to watch him like I usually do.
His eyes widen when he opens the door. “Andre.”
“Elias.”
“What are you—what can I … um …”
“I just wanted to check on you. I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Oh. No. I was up. I’m sorry if I was … weird. I’m still, um, getting used to things.”
As I stand there, I realize why I’ve come. I’m here for an answer to my question. I can’t ask him, of course, but I find that I don’t need to.
He’s right. On the one hand, of course he is. It’s obvious that this version of me isn’t like the other, and I did that deliberately, channeling different parts of myself into my different roles.
On the other hand, for some reason, I still find myself surprised. Maybe not surprised. Unhappy.
This is the only role through which I can access him right now, but it’s the surface level role. It doesn’t give me what I really want.
But what is it that I want?
I think I want to be the other version of myself. But could that version of me walk into Elias’s apartment and talk to him? Kiss him?
Jesus, isthatwhat I want?
It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t understand what’s happening.
For the first time in a long, long time, I feel afraid. None of my roles are giving me what I need, and I don’t know what to do about it.
And the things I feel like I need right now … soft things … I can’t accept.
So I do the only thing I can think of. I keep acting out my part.
