By the time he emerges from the bathroom, I’ve gotten changed into the new pants and shirt. I have the closet door open.
His face is pale. His eyes are still wide. He’s trembling.
He needs me.
But he doesn’t need me to break him, not right now, not again. He’s had enough.
What he needs is … fuck, I don’t know. It scares me to see it. It scares me that I want to give it to him when I don’t even know what it is.
At the very least, however, I have to stop torturing him. So I relent. I tell him, “I’ve got it from here. Thank you for coming, Elias.”
He jolts slightly at the word “coming.” Did I do it on purpose? Maybe. I am a little cruel. But he’s so pretty when he’s frightened.
Elias nods but doesn’t manage a verbal reply.
“Can you let yourself out?” I ask.
“Yeah. Sure.”
“I’ll see you later.”
He nods again. He leaves. His mind is half gone.
When I hear the elevator, I pull up the camera feeds on my phone. I watch him exit the elevator and look around as though his stalker might appear. I watch him enter his apartment.
He lies down on his couch.
***
He’s still lying there two hours later when I’m standing on some rich asshole’s patio, smoking. I hate smoking, but it gives me an excuse to step away from the noise, to drop the mask for a minute. It gives me time to check on Elias.
Setting my cigarette on the railing, I text from the burner phone,Have you eaten?
I know he hasn’t, but I wonder if he’ll lie to me. On my regular phone, I watch him get out his own phone and read my message.
He replies indirectly,I’m not hungry.
I hesitate over what I want to ask, but I decide to do it. I switch to the burner phone and type,Are you angry with me?
I watch him read that. He’s sitting up now in his wrinkled suit. He’s not sure how to answer. He’s indirect again.
Elias:You could have exposed me.
I ask,What do you think he would have done?
Fired me, comes through as one text, then another says,I don’t know.And another:He would’ve been disgusted.
I frown. That’s not what I expected. Is that why he’s lying on the couch?
I type,He wouldn’t have been disgusted.
Elias:You don’t know that.
I grit my teeth and reply,Yes, I do. If he’d seen you like that, he would’ve fucked you.
Elias:He’s probably not even gay.
I stare at that, dumbfounded. I start typing,Don’t be an idiot, but I erase it. I send him simply,He’s gay.
