‘But you’re interested inher?’ I persisted, sceptical. What I’d told Mabel yesterday was true: Ashton usually discarded his girls more quickly than I could learn their names. Not that I made much effort. We couldn’t let them mean anything to us.
Don’t tell me you remember my meaningless little name?Mabel’s sneering voice popped into my head. I tried to shake it loose.
Ashton flicked the cigarette onto the lawn and stubbed it out carelessly with the toe of his shoe. There was a path a few feet away from us, but he meant what he’d said: he didn’t care about the rules. I’d never questioned it before, because for a long time it had worked to my advantage too. ‘Don’t be silly,’ he said scathingly. ‘You know it’s not about that.’
Of course I knew. It was never about them and always about us. ‘Then find somebody else. Otherwise it’s too big a risk.’ I tried to sound casual, but I could feel my heart begin to pound. Thankfully, Ashton was still too wrapped up in himself to notice.
He lit another cigarette and took a drag so deep it made him cough. ‘There is no risk,’ he croaked. ‘I’m very fucking good at what I do. Do you know why? Because I’ve had a lot of practice. Because I’m living my life.Ourlife. And I’m not going to take orders from you just because you’ve decided to play dead.’
I heard the warning in his voice, and felt myself wanting to back down. I knew Ashton far too well to delude myself that I could make him do anything he didn’t want to do. He loved me, yes, but he loved himself more. He would never deny himself anything for someone else’s sake. The only reason he ever considered deferring to other people’s demands was when it suited his purposes. Or… if it helped keep him out of trouble.
‘What about Henry–would you take orders from him?’
Almost before the words were out of my mouth, I knew it was a mistake. For a few seconds there was silence, then Ashton’s hand shot out and stopped me in my tracks. His breath was warm and smelt of smoke, his skin of scented candles, women’s perfume, a distinctive floral fragrance that did not belong to him. I breathed through my mouth and tried to hold his gaze.
‘Are you fucking serious?’ he growled, his voice soft andmenacing, and he jabbed me in the chest so hard I took a half-step back. ‘You’re threatening me? After everything I’ve done for you? When I’ve had your back formonths? You wouldn’t even be here if I wasn’t lying for you, covering your arse every fucking day! They’d have locked you up ages ago if they knew you wanted to leave!’
Even in the dark I saw the the blaze of fury in his eyes. And as much as I hated to admit it, he was right. I had Ashton to thank for every step I took by myself, every breath of fresh air, every decision I was able to take, which he usually didn’t like but tolerated.
‘Look, I’m sorry, okay,’ I said, with a glance at the vein pulsing in his neck. ‘I’m just worried.’
Ashton snorted, but he already seemed less hostile. He tapped the ash off his cigarette onto the grass before he walked on. ‘About who? Zoe?’ The jeering note in his voice was unmistakeable. Ashton had long since ceased to feel compassion. On good days I despised him for it–on bad ones, I envied him.
‘About us,’ I replied, because it was the only thing he cared about. ‘We can’t afford a scandal.’
‘Relax. I know what I’m doing. And Zoe is so naïve it’s pathetic. She’s totally harmless. I’ve got it under control. Besides, I’ve got other things to worry about.’
‘Like what?’ I frowned as we passed under an archway, reentering the grounds of our own college.
‘Like your little friend.’ He threw me an amused sidelong look, and inside I froze. ‘You know, the girl you keep saying you don’t know. She’s annoyingly suspicious, and I’m afraid we won’t get rid of her so easily. Could be trouble.’
‘All the more reason to steer clear of Zoe,’ I advised him dryly, although my mind was whirling. I didn’t know if Mabel had spent any more time with Ashton and the others last night. After our conversation in the chapel I’d gone to Clare College with Norah to stop Victor doing something stupid–he was heading up to the room of the girl he’d invited that night–and when I went back to find the others, Zoe and Mabel had already left. Whatever had happened between him and Mabel, it was wrinkling Ashton’s forehead.Irritation lines, Norah called them.Worry lineswasn’t quite right: Ashton didn’t worry because he knew there was no problem we couldn’t solve.
‘Oh, I don’t think so,’ he said casually, turning a corner. In the distance, the building where he was living this year–when he wasn’t crashing on my sofa unannounced–loomed into view. The spare key to my flat had been his sole demand in exchange for not telling Henry I was living alone.
‘We’re good at getting rid of nuisances, aren’t we? You haven’t changed your mind, have you? I could tell Victor he has free rein.’
I paused, staring at him, aghast. ‘You are joking? Only yesterday he came within seconds of a serious fuck-up.’
Ashton sighed and shrugged on his coat, although he still radiated a palpable heat. ‘He’s a bit too keen at the moment, sure. But he’s interested in her. And frankly? If something goes awry, it would be one less problem on my plate. Anyway, why are you getting so worked up if you don’t want her yourself?’ There was a flash of suspicion in his voice.
I wasn’t sure if Norah had told him about our meeting in the chapel, but for whatever reason, Ashton seemed convinced that something was going on between me and Mabel. He couldn’t know what–I didn’t even understand it myself. But the mere fact that he suspected something was enough to make me uneasy.
My eyes darted, my heart thudding. I knew I should just shake my head and let it be. Ashton was unwittingly offering me a solution to my problem. If Victor took care of Mabel, then I wouldn’t have to worry about her for much longer. For any reason. It was the best option, the simplest, the most logical. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to take it. Something held me back.
I didn’t know what it was, but something about Mabel stirred an emotion in me that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. It didn’t matter so much which emotion–any emotion at all was the surprising thing. One so strong it could not be ignored. I’d sensed it from the moment we first met, and this something made it impossible for me to simply stand and watch as what always happened, happened.
‘I’ll do it.’ Not until I’d heard the words did I realise I was saying them.
Ashton’s brows knitted. ‘What?’
I forced myself to remain impassive, although my heart was pounding in my throat. ‘I’ll take her.’
‘Just like that? Why?’
I shrugged. ‘Like I said, we can’t afford a scandal. And I don’t fancy a surprise visit from Henry any more than you do. Anyway, as you remarked yourself only yesterday, it’s been a while.’
Tentatively I raised my hand and grasped Ashton’s wrist. I was so cold he winced. Frowning, he looked at the hairs risen on my skin, then at my shoulders, which began to shiver violently as soon as I stopped trying to control it. ‘See?’ I asked, my voice rasping. ‘I… can’t deny it would be good for me.’
