I exhaled with relief. He seemed to know nothing about our other encounter. Or all the questions I had asked. ‘Or maybe we genuinely don’t know each other.’
‘Hmm. Unfortunately, he’s my best friend. He can’t lie to me. Andyou’—he leant in—‘don’t take this personally, but I’m afraid you can’t lie at all.’
I lifted my chin. ‘Right, well, don’t take this personally, but I’d like you to go now. I’m not leaving you alone with Zoe while she’s asleep.’
Ashton grinned, and suddenly he was looming over me. I flinched, but instead of touching me he reached past me to the desk. Shakespeare’s face on the cover of the book, Ashton’s very close to mine as he held up the paperback. ‘Hell is empty and all the devils are here.’ He smelt of Zoe’s scented candles, Zoe’s washing powder, Zoe’s perfume. Not of himself at all. ‘That’s my favourite quotation. Do you know it?’
I swallowed and reached for the book. ‘Yes.’
One corner of Ashton’s mouth curled, and he drew back. ‘Goodnight, Mabel. I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other soon.’
I couldn’t stammer out a reply before he left the room. All I could think was:You can count on it.
Chapter7
Cliff
Iexamined the goosebumps on the ribbon of skin visible underneath my jacket sleeve. There was a time when I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be cold, but over the last few months, I had forgotten what it felt like not to be.
I quelled the shiver that was building up in my muscles. It was nearly ten p.m., and Trinity Hall lay deserted around me. The red-brick building towering before me in the night-blue sky was garlanded with magnolia, the leaves gradually turning brown. Lights were on in many of the student rooms, while others were already dark. A fine, evening mist hung above the lawn where I stood.
My attention kept being drawn to the second floor, to a window where the curtains were drawn. The light within shone through the pale grey fabric, and I glimpsed a silhouette that moved occasionally across the room. I hated myself for every second I stared up at it. I hated myself for holding my breath the minute I saw her. I hated myself for my racing heart when I forced myself to look away.
What am I doing here?I’d been asking myself that question ever since I’d left my flat an hour earlier. Unlike Ashton and most of our friends, I’d deliberately chosen not to live on college grounds. It was one thing to sit through a few hours of lectures but quite another to feel like my every move was being watched. Not just by the students, but also–and lately, especially–by Ashton. To the extent that I could, or was allowed to, I avoided him. So it made even less sense that I’d called him several times tonight and got through to his voicemail every single time. Or that I’d left the flat as soon as I realised what that meant.
So: why did I do it?
Once again, my eyes went to the second floor. She was sitting down again, presumably at a desk. I could see her outline through the curtains, just on the other side of the window: back stooped, hand reaching forward every now and then, the blue light of a laptop mingled with the gold of the reading lamp.
I knew it was her room. Victor had given me her room number after Norah and I took him back to his staircase last night.
Why so rough?he’d asked me as I shoved him unceremoniously through the doorway. His pupils had been large as pennies, his body much too hot.I was a good boy. She’s all yours.
I’d said nothing. For one thing, Norah was standing right behind me, and for another, Victor wasn’t in any fit state to listen. Norah was right: he’d overdone it.Again.
The mere memory of the flicker pulsing off him made my chest tingle unpleasantly. I pressed my hand to my sternum and focused again on the window where she was sitting. Although I couldn’t see her clearly, I recognised her. It was mad, but I’d had the same thought yesterday when I heard her footsteps in the chapel. I’d known her instinctively just by her tread. There was no wariness to her movements, no uncertainty or fear. None in her voice or expression. Only that mute defiance and apparently indestructible resolve.
I wanted to believe it hadn’t impressed me. I wanted to believe this wasn’t about her. That I hadn’t walked for half an hour on her account, without even knowing why I was coming here. That I hadn’t fled the bridge last night on her account. That I hadn’t gone into the chapel and sat down at the organ on her account–knowing she could find me if she chose. That I hadn’t simultaneously feared and hoped she would.
Part of me insisted it was fine. I knew what would have happened if she’d stayed with the others, and I didn’t like it. Compassion wasn’t a sign of weakness. Another part of me, however, knew it was more than that. I hadn’t just wanted her to stay away from the others: I’d wanted her to come to me.
I despised myself for thinking it–I felt ashamed, disgusted with myself. Hurriedly I shifted my focus to something more bearable: seeing her wasn’t an option, so I had to make sure it never happened again. And since she’d told me yesterday that she lived on the same staircase as her best friend, that meant I had to talk to Ashton.
Just as I was about to try his number again, a door opened. Ashton’s hair gleamed in the lamplight. His coat was under his arm, his shirt half unbuttoned. He took two steps down the gravel path and paused, tilted back his head and exhaled–a sigh so long and deep that it shrouded his face in a cloud of breath. Even from this distance, I thought I could feel the heat pouring off him.
Even if I hadn’t already known who lived here, I’d have guessed by now who he’d been to see. His whole aura was different. Brighter, more intense. Ashton was right: there wassomething exceptional about Zoe.
Again, I pressed my fingers hard against my chest, then I pulled myself together and strode up to him.
Ashton was just lighting a cigarette when he saw me. Surprised, he raised his eyebrows and let the hand holding the lighter drop. ‘What are you doing here? You barely leave thehouse these days unless I force you to.’
‘I need to talk to you. And somehow I had a good idea of where to find you.’ I nodded at the building behind him, but forbade myself a glance at the second floor.
Ashton sighed and clicked the lighter. As he took a drag, the cigarette glowed. Exhaling smoke, he grinned lopsidedly. ‘You got me. What now?’
I crossed my arms and tried to subdue my shivering. Being this close to Ashton made me even more aware of how cold I was. ‘It’s too much, Ashton. You just saw her last night.’
He waved a hand dismissively and began to walk away. ‘I don’t need you to tell me the rules. I’m not interested in them.’
