I opened a huge box of what must have been a thousand of the FC2 female prophylactics. The ads came out last month, and I was hoping no one saw them. I certainly didn’t tell anyone about it. Of course Daylen saw it. It probably appeared on a porn site he watches. Dirty fucker.
I thought my father was going to die of embarrassment. My brother turned a bright shade of red. I didn’t bother to take in my mother’s reaction. I’m not sure she can react anyway with her skin so damn tight.
All things considered, Daylen’s retaliation could have been worse. I generously brought a gift for him tonight to thank him for his.
I take a few sniffs as I walk through the apartment and ask Alyssa, “Why does it smell like Fireball in here? Are you guys doing shots?”
She shakes her head. “No, you alcoholic, it’s a cinnamon candle.”
I let out a laugh. “Whoops. Is Champ here?” I ask hopefully. I haven’t fully given up on him. We’ve been hanging out for well over six months now, and I’ve never once seen him leave with a woman. I can’t figure him out. Maybe he’s shy.
She turns her head and blinks several times. “Youdoknow he’s gay, right?”
“What?” I practically screech as I stop in my tracks.
“Champ is into men.”
My mouth opens and closes several times. I’m in shock. I had no idea, but I know a certain someone who definitely did. A lightbulb goes off in my head. That’s why he was so confident I couldn’t seal the deal. That’s why he agreed to that bet. God, I despise him, and I truly hate that he pulled one over on me. I owe him.
I enter the living room to the sounds of loud laughter. “What’s so funny?” I ask.
Daylen smirks in his loud, neon, obnoxious New Year’s sweater paired with jeans that look like they came from The Gap. “I’m a funny guy, and I told a funny joke. Is having a sense of humor a red flag of yours?”
I roll my eyes. “A bad one like yours certainly is. What sixteen-year-old boy joke did you tell them?”
“What’s a porn star’s favorite drink?” he asks.
I cross my arms. “What?”
“7UP in cider,” he answers while laughing at his own joke.
I sigh. “You’re an idiot. Speaking of people who could never be porn stars, I brought you a holiday gift to thank you for the one you kindly left for me…in front of my family.”
“How…thoughtful,” he tentatively says as he stares at my chest when I remove my jacket. “Are your tits getting bigger?”
“They’re filled with rage just for you.”
He nods. “I had a wet dream about you last night. A different kind of wet. I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff.”
I ignore his stupid joke and stare at his sweater. “The eighties called. They want their sweater back.”
He gives me the finger before motioning his head toward my expensive fur jacket. “Do you know how many animals had to die to make that pretentious jacket?”
I shrug. “Probably the same amount I fucked to afford it,” I quip back while smiling innocently as I hand him the box from my jacket pocket.
His eyes rake over me skeptically, but he takes it from me. “I’ll hold off thanking you until I see it.”
He opens it, and all the guys start laughing when it’s revealed. It’s an exact replica of the tiny dick I was able to get Booster to make appear authentic online. The one with Daylen’s number and the Camels logo.
Daylen rolls his eyes. “You suck. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Did you know my penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records?” He pauses for several beats before continuing, “But the librarian asked me to take it out.”
The guys all spit in laughter, but I exhale a long breath. “You’re such a joke.”
“Want to hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it’s too long.”
“Want to hear a joke about my pussy?” I immediately clap back. “Never mind, you’llneverget it.”
Vance shakes his head and mumbles, “I wish you two would fuck and get it over with.”
