He nods. “Yeah. It’s not because I don’t trust you or because Iwantto lie to you—I don’t, but it’s safer if I do.”
“Safer?” I grab his wrist. “Are you in trouble?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
“Because if you are, you can trust me to help.”
“I’m not in trouble, Nan. I’m good. I swear.” He plays with my fingers for a moment before fixing his intense gaze on me. “I can get a little obsessed with the subject matter. It’s not healthy, and I am getting better about managing it, but sometimes…” He shrugs. “Sometimes, it gets in my head.”
“What do you mean? How does it get in your head?”
“Remember when I first told you about my work? How a lot of these assholes get away with it? They have lawyers and money, or the investigation gets messed up. Not all of them. Some of them don’t have the money or lawyers or clout to get out of it. Some of them go to prison.”
“I remember.”
“But so many of them don’t pay for what they did. Sometimes, it’s like my brain gets stuck on those cases. I look them up and see where they live and what they’re doing now. It fills me with rage, Nan. Seeing these bastards living their lives like nothing happened. Like they didn’t ruin those poor kids they abused.”
I nod, squeezing his hand. “What do you do with the rage?”
I feel the moment his body tenses and he pulls his hand away. Vanian stands up and paces in front of the couch, wringing his hands together.
“Van?”
“Bad things,” he answers softly. “Bad things I’ll never tell you about.”
“Because you think I’ll judge you?”
“No.” He meets my eyes. “Because I don’t want you to know. I don’t want you to be complicit in any way.”
Complicit? This sounds serious. I thought he was alluding to some destructive behaviors—drugs or gambling or something like that—but this sounds like more than that.
Van sits next to me again. “So if you could just pretend this conversation didn’t happen, that would be best.”
I nod, even though a part of me really wants to push. If he’s still anything like he was as a teen, the more you push, the more he shuts down.
“Thank you.” He kisses my cheek. “I made coffee.”
“Thanks.” I get up and pad to the kitchen in a daze. Vanian is definitely hiding something major, but maybe he’s right, and it’s better that I don’t know.
The idea that he could be in trouble or hurting bothers me a lot though. How does he not know after all these years that he can tell me anything? I can’t imagine anything he could say that would make me turn against him.
As I pour my coffee, he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me, kissing my neck. “Last night was amazing.”
“Not freaking out?”
“No.”
I turn towards him, studying his face. Fuck, he’s gorgeous. “That’s good.”
“I keep getting turned on every time I think about it.”
“Yeah? You like having a cock in your mouth?”
He moans softly. “Apparently, I do. The craziest part is that it didn’t feel foreign or odd to me. It was hot and sexy and I loved it. I loved being the one to bring you pleasure. It made me think of all the different ways I can unravel you.”
Excellent distraction skills.
“You were good at it.”
