“Van, I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
His eyebrows go up. “You don’t? You don’t remember turning me down?”
Now I’m shocked. “Turning you down? For what?”
Van reaches out and puts his hand over mine. “I tried to kiss you, Nan, and you shut me down and told me you didn’t want to do anything like that while I was drunk. I appreciate that, too. You’re a good man.”
“I shut you down? You wanted to kiss me?” I rub my forehead. “Am I in the Twilight Zone?”
Van laughs softly. “You’re not, and yes, I wanted to kiss you last night. I still want to.”
I hear him, but my brain isn’t processing anything. “But… but, Van, you’re straight.”
“Sexuality is a spectrum, right?”
“Yeah, but have you ever… before?”
“No, I haven’t kissed a guy. You know that.”
“No, I mean, been interested in kissing a guy.”
He scratches the back of his neck, smiling. “I can’t say I’ve ever seen a guy and wanted to kiss him, but I also can’t say I haven’t admired a man’s body or noticed his cock watching porn. I know I was jealous of the men you looked at last night, and that’s not a normal straight guy thing to feel.”
I don’t say anything as I try to make sense of his words.
“Yesterday felt different for me,” he continues. “First the sex shop—I was curious for sure. Then at the club, I had this urge to…” He exhales slowly, shaking his head.
“To what?”
“I don’t fucking know. Claim you? Protect you. Be the guy you were looking at.”
I open my mouth to say something, anything, but I’m too stunned to speak.
“I was a kid the last time we hung out. I didn’t understand a lot of things that I do now. I’m really sorry if I ever said things that were disrespectful to you or made you feel like you couldn’t be yourself.” He squeezes my hand. “But I’m not that kid anymore, Nantes. I’m a grown man, and I know I feel an attraction to you.”
I shake my head, still unable to form words.
“Last night, you said kissing me would be a dream come true for your teenage self.”
“Oh god, I said that?”
“You did.” He smiles. “It made me wonder what I missed out on by being so self-centered and immature. Maybe I would’ve learned some things about myself sooner. Maybe we wouldn’t have lost touch.”
“Maybe you would’ve hated it and our friendship would have ended.”
He shrugs. “Yeah, maybe. We’ll never know. But if there’s still a little bit of interest in you, I’m open to it.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
He sets his mug down and scoots his chair close enough that he’s in between my knees. With his hands resting on my thighs, he leans in, his gaze focused on my mouth. Just before he gets close enough to kiss, I push myself back abruptly.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Sorry. I don’t want my first kiss with you to be coffee and morning breath.”
Vanian laughs, leaning back in his chair. “That’s fair. Does that mean you’d like to have a first kiss with me?”
“I think the answer is obvious.”
