“Fine? Gee, thanks.”
“What do you want me to tell you? Being gay doesn’t mean I find every man attractive, just like you don’t find every woman attractive.”
“I know that, dumbass. I’m not some dickish homophobe.”
“I didn’t think that.”
“You might have, based on high school, but that was a long time ago, Nan. I guess, as close as we were, it seems kind of weird to me that I never caught on or even suspected something like that.”
“Good. I didn’t want you to.”
Van nods, still holding my gaze. “All the sleepovers, the showers after the gym and football, the summers spent swimming in the lake and sunbathing on the rocks, you never looked at me.”
My memories of those events are different. I did everything in my power not to look at him.
“Oh shit, do you remember the time we measured our dicks with Brayden and Danny?” He cackles. “How old were we? Fifteen?”
“I was still fourteen. I think Danny was too.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right.” He chuckles. “Brayden won, if I remember correctly.”
Laughing, I shake my head. “That was an awkward night for me. It was close between me and him, so Danny measured us twice to break the tie.”
“He touched you, right? Then freaked out?”
“Right.”
His smile fades. “We all freaked out a little when we chubbed up. Brayden said it wasn’t gay. It was because the wind blowing could make a teenage boy hard.”
“Yeah. I remember being thankful for his explanation.”
“I, um, remember feeling a little weird about it. I was jealous, I think, that you and Brayden had bigger dicks than me. Danny’s was thicker than everyone’s.”
“Yep.” I squirm slightly, remembering it all like it happened yesterday. It was simultaneously the best and most awkward night of my young life at that point.
“My stomach felt funny,” Van continues. “Like the way it felt to see a girl’s boobs. Did you feel funny?”
“Yeah, Van, I felt funny. I was with three of my friends and our dicks were out. Then Brayden did that helicopter thing.”
Van’s head falls back as he laughs. “Oh, god, yeah. Then we looked at his dad’s dirty magazines. It was the first time I saw a woman completely naked. I felt funny again.”
“I felt relieved that we’d moved on to women.”
“I’m sorry, dude. I had no idea you were struggling.”
“It’s okay, Van. I survived.”
He leans back slightly, swirling his wine. “I wondered, you know, if that funny feeling meant something, but you said it was normal what we did and it wasn’t weird. Dicks were weird and it was nothing to worry about, so I didn’t.”
I remember that. I desperately wanted to change the topic, and I thought if I made him feel better about it he wouldn’t think anything of me. “Yeah.”
He smiles. “Tell me about the first time. You know about mine.”
“I do. You want to hear about the first time I had gay sex?”
“Yep. You were there for me. I want to be there for you, even belated.”
“It’s okay. I’m way past that now.”
