That, Cam thought, even as the lassitude of all those endorphins surged through him, was better.
Because if Cam looked at him in the eye right now, he wasn’t sure even Dawson could pretend that this wasn’t what this was.
He’d pretended, over and over, and right now, he couldn’t manage it. Only a few days earlier, he’d been full of disbelief when Nate had offered to kick Dawson’s ass for hurting him.
Hadn’t believed things could ever come to that.
But his heart felt raw tonight. Had seen, a little too well, what it could be like.
If a stranger had looked at Aidan and Levi, and then at Dawson and Cam, he wasn’t sure they’d be able to tell the difference. Dawson’s clear affection in his gaze, in the way his eyes sparkled when Cam teased Aidan. The possession in his touch. How Cam wanted to give it right back, a constant loop of feedback.
He’d never been in love before, and Cam had always thought it would feel incredible, like flying without a parachute, but now he just felt vaguely sick to his stomach as Dawson groaned, sitting up to grab them something to clean up with.
“You’re quiet tonight,” he said, after he wiped both of them down and nestled back down in bed, Cam in his arms like that was exactly where he belonged.
You’re going to be fine. You’ll be fine in the morning. You’ll be used to it by then.
Cam still wanted to believe those reminders. Thought they could still theoretically be true.
“Just thinking,” Cam said.
Maybe he ached a little, but he still wouldn’t trade it. Still had no interest in walking downstairs to his cold, empty apartment. It was just so muchbetterup here, in Dawson’s. And not because there was anything special about Dawson’s place over Cam’s. They were still the same. Same basic layout. But wherever Dawson was, that was where Cam needed to be.
“Wanna share?”
Cam risked a glance over. Dawson’s hazel eyes were soft and satisfied. Pleased, even. His arm tightened around Cam, fingertips stroking his biceps.
He didn’t want to lie. He didn’t even want to lie by omission. But he couldn’t tell Dawson what he was thinking.This isn’t a hookup. It’s maybeneverbeen a hookup. Not for me, and I’m pretty sure not for you either.
Instead, he changed the subject.
“What do you thinkisgoing on between Ramsey and Nate?”
“I think you nailed it,” Dawson said drowsily. “They’re pulling each other’s pigtails.”
“But why?” Cam questioned. “Why not just . . .give in? If they both want it?”
Dawson chuckled lowly. “You’ve never been burned, have you?”
“What, like romantically?” Cam asked, and Dawson nodded.
“No. Not like . . .not like you mean, I think. I’ve never been in a real relationship before.”Not like this one.“Nothing to get burned by.”
“Never?” Dawson sounded surprised.
“Yeah. Like hookups. Friends with benefits. That’s it.”
“Those can go south,” Dawson observed. Like that wasn’t what he was currently pretending they were doing. The fact that he could bring it up so casually, like it could never go south between them said it all. But clearly, hehadgotten burned. Cam didn’t need any details of his marriage and his divorce to know that. Dawson’s hesitation to call a spade a spade made it obvious.
“Well, yeah, sure. But not for me,” Cam said. He didn’t add,only if there are feelings involved,because he wasn’t about to invoke theFword tonight, of all nights. Not when his heart already felt so raw.
“Lucky,” Dawson said wryly. “But yeah, that’s my guess. They’ve got some baggage. One of them, or both of them. Or something else between them. And that always complicates things.”
“Baggage does?”
“Well, yeah. But it’s really what the baggage produces.Fear.” Dawson chuckled humorlessly. Like maybe he understood this far too well.
“So they’re both afraid, and so instead of doing anything about it, they just . . .avoid it? But they don’t want to ignore each other either, so they just what, poke and prod?”
