“That’s the closest thing to a smile I’ve seen from you.”
“That’s because I’m enjoying the awkwardness of this situation.”
***
Okay, so fast-forward through me eventually managing to provide a pee sample, showing her my first paystub so she could make a copy, and answering approximately thirty questions about my relationship with my landlady. Apparently, Jolene noticed a “spark” between us when she met Brianna. I tried to explain the only thing that excites me about Brianna is that she’s providing me a means to meeting my goal, but Jolene isn’t buying it. When I leave, she waits until I reach the sidewalk before calling to me, “Don’t forget to keep it in your pants, Davenport. That is until you’re back here to give your next sample.”
That’s nice of her, isn’t it? To make it sound like I’m some sort of sperm donor, or that she’s dabbling in switching teams and I’m the guy she’s dabbling. I set off down the street, checking the time on my phone, and trying to forget about the last hour of my life.
The good news is the rest of my day is set to be an incredible combination of learning how to do laundry, figuring out what to pack for my dinner, buying a used bicycle on Craigslist, and going off to the resort, where instead of sipping cocktails by the pool like I would in my real life, I’ll play a glorified mule to a bunch of surly guests.
To be honest, my I-can-make-anything-fun attitude is most definitely being sucked out of me with the power of a new Dyson. Oh, and in case you’re surprised that I know that’s a brand of vacuum, bear in mind, I do watch television, and that Dyson fellow seems to adore starring in commercials that run every ten minutes on every channel. Anyway, my point is, I’ve only been working for a month, and I can already understand why so many people on this planet have absolutely no will to live. Get up, complete all kinds of tedious tasks, do meaningless work all day or night, go to bed only to get up and do it all again. How do people do this for forty or so years without going completely insane?
Okay, Leo, that’s enough self-pity for one lifetime. You only have to do this for six months, then everything will go back to normal. And by normal, I mean I can get the hell out of Paradise Bay and back to paradise.
CHAPTER 16
Pampered Men, Mom Guilt, and Truth Lassos
Leo
“Pierce, what are you doing right now? And more importantly, what is your maid doing right now?” I ask.
“Writing, and I don’t think your feelings for Mrs. Bailey are mutual,” Pierce says.
“Ha ha. I’m not looking for a shag,” I say, staring at the pile of laundry in front of me. “I thought maybe I could swing by to visit my favourite brother and have my laundry done.”
“As much as I love being used by you, I refuse to do anything to jeopardize your future. What if your parole officer caught Mrs. Bailey with her hands on your dirty knickers?”
I hear the caw of a seagull, which means Pierce must be sitting outside on one of his expensive lounge chairs while he works. Prick. “Don’t tell me you’re going to rat me out for getting my tighty-whities washed, dried, and folded?” I ask, a sense of righteous indignation building in my chest. “Are you suddenly switching allegiances?”
“On the contrary. I’m as solidly on your side today as I ever have been, which is exactly why I won’t allow you to take the easy way out,” Pierce says.
In the background, I hear the familiar voice of Mrs. Bailey. “Your morning smoothie, Mr. Davenport. I’ve added some pre-soaked chia seeds. Do let me know if it’s to your liking, sir.”
“Brilliant, I’m sure it will be extra healthy. Thank you, Mrs. Bailey.”
A moment later, I have Pierce’s full attention again. “Sorry, Leo, where were we?”
“You were telling me how soft I am right before you were served your fruity chia-seed smoothie by your housekeeper.”
“Ah, yes. You seem to be forgetting the many years of head-down, arse-up, non-stop work I did to land where I have.”
“I didn’t call to be lectured or to listen to you gloat about how rich you are.”
“No, you called because you don’t know how to use a washing machine, and now you’re pouting because you have to figure it out for yourself,” Pierce says before loudly sipping his smoothie.
Well, he’s got a point there, not that I’m going to admit it. I stew silently for a moment.
Pierce clears his throat. “Leo, have you considered the alternative to this ridiculous contract?”
“You mean living in poverty for the rest of my life?”
“Well, there’s certainly the risk of that, obviously, but I have a feeling that if you didn’t have the Bunny and Alistair safety net, you’d find yourself to be quite capable of earning a good living.”
“That’s kind of you, but I’ll take a hard pass. After a month of living the life of a working stiff, I think I’ll go back to being happy, thank you very much.”
“You weren’t happy. You were rudderless and bored every day of your life.”
