“Christ, no. It’s more of a get-in-and-get-out thing. I’ll be back to my loafing ways as soon as humanly possible.” Or as soon as this pan is egg-free so I can relax a bit before my appointment at Jolene’s office.
“I’d recommend you get out by the end of the month so you won’t miss out on Cannes.”
“Duly noted. Listen, I better run. Say hello to everyone for me.”
“I probably won’t.”
That’s because as soon as he hangs up, he’s probably going to take a few hits from his glow-in-the-dark bong, and about thirty minutes from now, he’ll have forgotten where I am.
***
“Oh, good. You’re here,” Jolene says, appearing about as excited as I imagine she’d be if I were her gastroenterologist and it was time for her colonoscopy. She steps aside to let me through the door to her office, which is really just a tiny room at the back of her house with a desk and a couple of chairs.
“You look lovely this morning,” I say, giving her a bright smile.
Tilting her head, she says, “Let’s dispense with the flattery.” She thrusts a small clear plastic cup in my direction. “I’ll need some urine.”
“Righto. Where’s the little boys’ room?”
“It’s down the hall, but you might as well do it here since I have to be in attendance anyway.”
No fucking way. “That hardly seems necessary, Jolene.”
“Not only is it completely necessary, but it’s also part of your contract.” She pushes the container toward me, but I don’t take it. Instead, I stare at her, slack-jawed at the thought of unzipping my pants in front of a middle-aged woman in a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts.
“Relax. I promise not to peek at your naughty bits. Now, turn around and let’s get this over with.”
“You really think I would go to the trouble of purchasing urine from someone?”
“Yes, I do. There’s a fortune at stake, Mr. Davenport.”
“Excellent point.” I take the cup and turn around, silently repeating, ‘It’ll all be worth it. It’ll all be worth it.’
Quickly unzipping, I do my best to put the cup inside my pants rather than exposing Leopole. I wait, but nothing happens.Oh, come on. This is not the time for a shy bladder. Just do it, Leo.
Go.
Now.
Seriously, go already.
“Huh, most men don’t have this problem until they’re much older.”
“I don’t have a problem,” I snap. “I’m just not used to…doing this in front of a woman.”
“Think of me as a man with ovaries.”
Oh, well that ought to help. Come on, mate. Relax and pee. But not too much. Just enough to fill this cup.
“Would you like a beer?”
“I’m not falling for that one,” I say. “I may be lazy, but I’m not stupid.”
“Had to try.”
“Did you?” I ask, looking over my shoulder.
“No, but I wanted to,” she says, smirking a little.
