"Well, you'll besoglad to have Dr. Dropp when the time comes. So many things can go wrong once you're in the birthing room. For my first one, I insisted on no drugs whatsoever even though Dr. Dropp had suggested I consider some on account of my very tiny cervix. It's a good thing she was there because in the end, I ended up ripping all the way from —"
"You know what?” I hold my hand up at the woman. "That really isn't necessary. Each time I come in to this office, there’s someone like you who wants to share their horror stories about the birth of their own child. I don't find the information helpful, quite frankly, and I'm not exactly sure what you're hoping to achieve by scaring our young friend here. But if you don't mind, perhaps we could keep the conversation a little more positive."
Slutty nurse, who seems to have a good nose for trouble, calls me for my turn. Within a few minutes, Arthur and I are settled in Dr. Dropp's exam room with me sitting up on the table in a stupid paper gown that at this point actually won't close around my giant arse.
Arthur gives me a grin. "I like Third Trimester Tessa. You’re fierce...like a Bengal tiger."
"I am. And you know what I realized?" I hold up one finger in the air, hoping I can be taken at least somewhat seriously in this ridiculous outfit, which inexplicably has me both freezing and sweating at the same time. "I don't think I want to have a normal birth like everyone else after all. It really wouldn’t be fair.”
Taking a deep breath, I continue. “Most moms don't have to deal with all the extra criticism that I do. Of course, they all have family and friends who’ll tell them they're screwing up every step of the way, but theycertainlydon't have the press following them or every special interest group from Breast is Best to the Midwifery Association of Avonia knocking down their door, asking them to become a spokesperson for their cause and then turning on them if they refuse!” I inhale again, trying to calm down. “Because of that, I've decided I'd like to avoid the whole birth part of this process."
Arthur gives me a confused yet slightly amused expression.
I continue talking before he can put his size ten foot in his mouth. "Remember when we were watchingThe Crownthe other day? And Queen Elizabeth was having Prince Andrew?"
"You don’t mean that creepy twilight nap thing?"
"Twilightsleep. It's called a twilight sleep, and I'd like to bring that back."
"I'm not sure they do that anymore, darling."
The ‘don't fuck with me’ look on my face causes him to clam up, which pleases me to no end. No one is going to take my twilight sleep away for me. "We'll see about that."
A moment later, Dr. Dropp walks in with her usual warm smile. "Tessa, Arthur. Lovely to see you both.” She glances at my file, which contains my new weight and measurements of my midsection. "I see things are progressing nicely. I imagine you’re rather uncomfortable, though, at this point in the pregnancy. Most moms of multiples start wishing the whole thing were over by now."
"Yes, it’s not the most comfortable time I’ve ever had. One of the babies has lodged her little hand...or something...in my ribs, while the other one seems to be using my bladder for a trampoline, especially at night, so that’s fun."
Dr. Dropp washes her hands, then dries them on a paper towel and deposits it into the garbage. “How’s it going with the modified bed rest?”
“Fine. It’s really boring, but moving around isn’t exactly easy at the moment anyway, so I’m naturally forced not to overdo it.”
“Good. We want to keep those babies in there for a few more weeks yet.”
“Oh, dowe?”
“I’m sure you want them out already, but they could use another couple of weeks to make sure those lungs are ready.” Helping me lay back, she then starts examining my belly. When she’s done, she does a quick check of my cervix (while I stare at the ceiling red-faced). When she’s done, she says, “Good. Still completely closed.”
Son of a...
She offers me her arm to help me sit up again. "Have you started working on a birth plan yet? A lot of moms find it very helpful to have a plan in place for when they go into labour."
"Yes, I do have a plan, in fact, and wanted to run it by you." I give her a bright smile, hoping to win her over with my sunny disposition. See? I'm the most reasonable and pleasant pregnant lady in the world. “Are you a fan of the Netflix series,The Crown, at all?"
A look of understanding crosses her face. "I’m afraid we don't do twilight sleeps anymore, Tessa. That barbaric practice was stopped back in the late 60s."
"Barbaric?” I ask with a light chuckle. “It looked pretty civilized to me."
"Yes, it's unfortunate that the show made it look like such a pleasing option because it really was anything but. It’s actually quite a dangerous practice that had many women waking up mid-procedure screaming and thrashing about. It also resulted in the deaths of a shockingly high number of babies."
I give her a little wink. "But between you and me, I mean...you know...wecan make that work, can’t we? We don’t have to tell anyone. With the far superior drugs available these days, you can make it so there’s no way I’ll wake up until it’s all said and done." I waggle my eyebrows at her conspiratorially, as though we’re Thelma and Louise about to go on a great adventure together. Although I guess that one didn't end very well for either of them, did it?
Dr. Dropp laughs. "Oh Tessa, you’re such a fun patient. Make sure you stop at the front desk to book your next appointment. I’d like to see you in a week.”
With that, my dream of a beautifully calm twilight sleep birth is now shattered, leaving me even more angry than I was when I came in here. God help the next person to piss me off today.
